6: ARGUMENTS 101: 5 things ADHD & autistic couples desperately need to understand

00:00:00:03 - 00:00:19:12 Speaker 1 For years, we described ourselves as the couple that never argued. Gross. It's not true anymore because we argue all the time, but we're still incredibly happy. The trick is figuring out how to argue well so you don't end up breaking up. You have to listen to this episode if you have a partner.

00:00:19:13 - 00:00:22:11 Speaker 2 Welcome to Late Bloomers, but we are getting our lives together.

00:00:22:11 - 00:00:40:02 Speaker 1 And not breaking up. Eventually porch you by our amazing sponsor, loop earplugs, right? Last night we watched a TV show. We did. It was called The Ultimatum. Yeah, and it peaked both of us, right?

00:00:40:03 - 00:00:41:24 Speaker 2 Yeah. What does that mean?

00:00:42:01 - 00:00:49:19 Speaker 1 Just like it just sent you. Like you're over the edge. Like it's sorry. Like in autistic. What does it mean? We were both annoyed by what we saw.

00:00:49:24 - 00:00:54:20 Speaker 2 Right? Yeah. Yes. We were. I didn't know that's what that meant.

00:00:54:21 - 00:01:16:13 Speaker 1 It's okay. This is all about translating how we argue. Basically, there was an argument going on between a girl and a young man, and we'd sort of figured out that the young man was autistic because he had, like, flat face. He didn't do I contact? And he was like, speaking very directly. And she was the complete opposite. Huge emotions.

00:01:16:13 - 00:01:17:24 Speaker 1 Screaming, crying.

00:01:18:00 - 00:01:22:04 Speaker 2 He was inquisitive. He was asking loads of clarifying questions.

00:01:22:05 - 00:01:25:00 Speaker 1 And that was sending out who asked me questions.

00:01:25:00 - 00:01:26:15 Speaker 3 Why he say what I want?

00:01:26:16 - 00:01:48:19 Speaker 1 And we were like screaming at the TV. It actually ended up looking like bullying. And they ended up breaking up. And it's like actually there was moments they got on and they could have been a great couple, but they didn't know how to frickin argue. And so many couples break up because they don't know how to argue. We've been piqued.

00:01:48:19 - 00:01:55:04 Speaker 1 So this is the argument episode, and we'll probably have to use like one of our recent arguments, I reckon, for a reference.

00:01:55:05 - 00:01:57:08 Speaker 2 Okay. No problem.

00:01:57:10 - 00:02:00:10 Speaker 1 Should we? We'll do the music one. We'll do the one the other day.

00:02:00:11 - 00:02:03:05 Speaker 2 Yeah. Let's do it.

00:02:03:07 - 00:02:04:17 Speaker 1 Okay.

00:02:04:19 - 00:02:07:24 Speaker 2 Are you just going to go straight into the argument?

00:02:08:00 - 00:02:25:24 Speaker 1 Yes. I'm just going to do a rundown of one of our arguments. Yeah. And we'll use it to go through the five things that like, you just have to know if you're going to have an argument and not break up. So we had an argument. I basically have spent a long time struggling with my music career and thinking that I might want to quit.

00:02:25:24 - 00:02:46:01 Speaker 1 And then the last few weeks, I mean, like, actually like I'm loving it again and kind of dropped on Rich that actually I love it and I want to keep doing it. And he went into practical, logical. I was like, why not supporting me and encouraging me? He went further into practical, logical. I started crying then. We weren't speaking in the Indian.

00:02:46:02 - 00:02:59:05 Speaker 1 It was I should we go home? Went home? And you know, he was angry. Not quite. Separate rooms? No. So it wasn't that level. But what a waste of an evening. And the next morning woke up, sorted it all out.

00:02:59:06 - 00:02:59:24 Speaker 2 Yeah, okay.

00:03:00:00 - 00:03:02:05 Speaker 1 But that's the argument with referencing people.

00:03:02:06 - 00:03:09:00 Speaker 2 I feel like we need to give a lot more context about what it was, though. But do we do that during the episode? Yeah. Okay, fine.

00:03:09:01 - 00:03:39:08 Speaker 1 Okay. So based on us, based on this couple we've seen on the ultimatum, like rule number one, stop screaming into the abyss. If you're screaming at someone that is like like that, no communication is going on. The only thing you're going to do by screaming is seriously damage the other person. Yeah. Screaming. Shouting like anything in that line.

00:03:39:09 - 00:03:46:09 Speaker 1 Like, just stop immediately. I think it's watching her scream at him was like the most horrible thing.

00:03:46:10 - 00:03:52:13 Speaker 2 Yeah, that's one thing I would say. I don't think we've ever shouted at each other in six years.

00:03:52:15 - 00:03:53:18 Speaker 1 No.

00:03:53:20 - 00:03:55:07 Speaker 2 We haven't raised our voice.

00:03:55:09 - 00:04:03:13 Speaker 1 No, but I guess, like, I wasn't screaming at you with words, but I was screaming at you with my eyes.

00:04:03:15 - 00:04:04:05 Speaker 2 Yeah, but I think.

00:04:04:05 - 00:04:22:22 Speaker 1 That's okay. No, that's fine. But, like, just the. Except that you just. If you want to argue well and keep a relationship. Don't ever shout. Don't ever scream. I think people raise their voice because they, they want to be listened to. But the best way to be listened to is when people are calm.

00:04:22:23 - 00:04:31:18 Speaker 2 It puts anyone on the defensive as well. Like if you if you started screaming at me, I would not listen to a single word you were saying. I would shut off.

00:04:31:19 - 00:04:50:24 Speaker 1 Well, you saw that young man is being screamed at and he's like, yeah, it's just horrible what you're doing. So I think you have a rule which is like some arguments, right? You're going to be able to resolve night of. Yeah. Some arguments you're not. Yeah. But we needed to sleep on it. So maybe it's not just screaming.

00:04:51:01 - 00:05:04:06 Speaker 1 It's also like don't dysregulated into the abyss. If you've lost the plot. Let me cry in and shoulders slumped and you staring out like we weren't. We didn't have.

00:05:04:09 - 00:05:05:03 Speaker 2 Written communication.

00:05:05:09 - 00:05:17:06 Speaker 1 The skills it's like. And by the way, don't ever do it to punish anyone. Don't ever go and sleep in the spare room as a punishment. That's just dick behavior. Be like, Bobby, I love you, but I cannot speak to you right now.

00:05:17:07 - 00:05:20:24 Speaker 2 Yeah, and we couldn't. We just weren't asleep.

00:05:21:00 - 00:05:26:13 Speaker 1 So, like, leave each other alone, but do it, like, be kind. Even when you absolutely hate each other.

00:05:26:15 - 00:05:27:20 Speaker 2 Don't have to storm out.

00:05:27:21 - 00:05:40:19 Speaker 1 You don't have to storm out. And actually, if you walk, go for a walk. Sleep on it. If you just separate for an amount of time, like you will feel better when you come back to it.

00:05:40:20 - 00:05:44:01 Speaker 2 Well, you'll feel regulated. You'll feel calmer.

00:05:44:03 - 00:05:54:05 Speaker 1 You feel calmer. So I just think that's the kick. Like anyone out there, if you're screaming, you're doing damage. Yep. You aren't.

00:05:54:07 - 00:05:56:14 Speaker 2 Oh completely agree.

00:05:56:16 - 00:06:01:05 Speaker 1 Go to bed, number two. You ready?

00:06:01:07 - 00:06:05:20 Speaker 1 Right, bro. This is.

00:06:05:22 - 00:06:10:01 Speaker 2 Just call me bro twice, right?

00:06:10:03 - 00:06:11:01 Speaker 1 Do you want to argue about it?

00:06:11:02 - 00:06:11:17 Speaker 2 No.

00:06:11:19 - 00:06:37:24 Speaker 1 Stop looking for the love that you give. So when I was watching this girl yesterday, she was like. Why can you not just see what I want? Why aren't you cuddling me? Like, what's wrong with you? Why don't you see what I want? And I was like, that's awful. Like she's being awful to him. And it hit me like a kip around the face, because that's what I did on the music combo.

00:06:38:01 - 00:06:49:07 Speaker 1 Yeah, because I was like I said, I'm kind of falling in love with music again. And you went logic. And I was like, look, I wanted you to smile.

00:06:49:07 - 00:07:05:11 Speaker 2 And be like, let me explain so people understand what you mean. So for a year she's been saying, I don't like it. I fallen out of love. I might, I might quit. I've been fairly neutral about the whole thing. I was like, babe, I love you. I want you to do what's happy. I don't think quitting music is a good idea.

00:07:05:12 - 00:07:30:03 Speaker 2 I don't think that will bring you happiness. So that's really important to understand. That's been my position for the last year. And then you hit me with I love it again. I maintain the same level of neutrality of like cool or get in the studio, write another album then. But you wanted me to go, that's amazing. But I was like, I don't know if it is amazing.

00:07:30:03 - 00:07:32:13 Speaker 2 Is it going to make you happy? Like what?

00:07:32:15 - 00:07:41:24 Speaker 1 Yeah. So I was looking for I was looking for someone to join me in the emotion and smile and be.

00:07:41:24 - 00:07:42:16 Speaker 3 Like, yeah, let's.

00:07:42:16 - 00:08:07:19 Speaker 1 Go and celebrate. That's not who you are. You aren't a joining the emotion kind of dude. Know which. And you've never, ever been. And I'm I just realized, like, I was almost looking for you to be somebody else. And it's almost a bit more gross than that. I was looking for you to be me. Yeah, like when we're arguing, we want the other person to give us the love that we give.

00:08:07:22 - 00:08:32:05 Speaker 1 So I wanted to cuddle in a hype up and a kiss and all those ways I show love. And I was refusing to accept the love that you show. Which is neutral, logical, clear, kind. Yeah. And I just thought that was, like, so important. Like, we have different ways of showing and expressing love and one isn't better than the other.

00:08:32:06 - 00:08:36:16 Speaker 2 Well, you like to receive love by cuddles, and I'm not very good at fulfilling that.

00:08:36:16 - 00:08:38:05 Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't get cuddled.

00:08:38:07 - 00:08:39:00 Speaker 2 No, no.

00:08:39:00 - 00:08:53:14 Speaker 1 I bought a dog to cuddle me and he doesn't even cuddle me ever. So like, that's fine, I just have to live without and that's okay. Because you can't force someone. You can't force someone to hug you or fake it.

00:08:53:16 - 00:08:57:11 Speaker 2 Yeah. Did the other day though. I gave you a cuddle because we had the air conditioning on.

00:08:57:12 - 00:08:58:00 Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

00:08:58:05 - 00:09:02:11 Speaker 2 Conditioning. So it's not that I don't like cuddling you. Yeah.

00:09:02:13 - 00:09:16:16 Speaker 1 It's also like noticing. So this girl in The ultimatum, she didn't notice how he was loving because he was like, can I just get this straight? Can I just check what you're asking me? And she was like, how dare you ask me?

00:09:16:17 - 00:09:17:07 Speaker 3 How dare.

00:09:17:08 - 00:09:24:04 Speaker 1 You ask me that question? It was like, bro, like, he's he's really trying his best.

00:09:24:06 - 00:09:25:16 Speaker 2 From what we saw.

00:09:25:18 - 00:09:26:00 Speaker 1 Yeah.

00:09:26:00 - 00:09:26:09 Speaker 2 Yeah, we.

00:09:26:14 - 00:09:27:11 Speaker 1 But we don't know.

00:09:27:12 - 00:09:31:17 Speaker 2 We can only we are based in this purely on the camera.

00:09:31:18 - 00:09:38:03 Speaker 1 Yeah. So basically don't demand your own reflection. And that goes both ways in that argument.

00:09:38:04 - 00:09:53:02 Speaker 2 Like well a similar thing happened for your birthday right. Like we've talked about this before on an episode where you wanted, you felt quite high emotions about your birthday, you wanted to celebrate it one year. And I'm like, what do you what do you want?

00:09:53:03 - 00:10:14:04 Speaker 1 I had a longing inside me that my partner would want to take care or that you'd understand, but that isn't how you work. The minute I said, I want a party, do this you and did it to like. I also don't want it to be just about me. I'm not saying my way is wrong. Yeah, your way isn't wrong.

00:10:14:05 - 00:10:27:18 Speaker 1 I'm saying neither is. And both are important. Yeah. So, like, you also can't look for me to be logical and think neutral when I really need a cuddle. That's also not fair.

00:10:27:19 - 00:10:28:10 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:10:28:16 - 00:10:31:06 Speaker 1 It's a two way street baby doll. We show love in different ways.

00:10:31:11 - 00:10:34:00 Speaker 2 Striking nerve there with the with birthday comments.

00:10:34:01 - 00:11:01:01 Speaker 1 Yeah, because it felt I really want to be careful with this episode. It doesn't come across like your way is right. No. And mine is wrong. It's about absolutely respecting the shit out of the other person's way, even when it's not your way. Which means you given me a cuddle if I'm crying sometimes. Yeah. Okay. Number three, stop trying to win.

00:11:01:03 - 00:11:20:19 Speaker 1 We're bad at this because I think we're both really competitive. Yeah. So in our music argument, I was trying to win by like saying, here's why I'm so sad. Here's what I need. Why can't you, why can't you give it to me? And you were trying to win by saying, well, you're wrong. You. This is the logical. This isn't fair.

00:11:20:21 - 00:11:23:17 Speaker 1 We were trying to win in our own language.

00:11:23:19 - 00:11:24:18 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:11:24:20 - 00:11:38:20 Speaker 1 And play it out. Right. Let's say you'd have won. You'd overpowered me with logic and made me feel silly for feeling upset. And I'd gone in the restaurant like, yeah, you're right, I'm being silly. You haven't really done.

00:11:38:22 - 00:11:39:10 Speaker 2 No.

00:11:39:11 - 00:12:04:18 Speaker 1 You've I've submitted because you were, I don't know, more smart or more aggressive or better in the moment, but actually we've both lost because it damages the relationship. Same on my side if I had one, if I'd managed to get you to just come and cuddle me and go. I'm so sorry, babe. Let me guess, isn't it amazing and fake a reaction?

00:12:04:20 - 00:12:08:06 Speaker 1 I haven't won because I've done damage to you.

00:12:08:07 - 00:12:29:20 Speaker 2 I think it goes back to the start about when emotions were heightened because they certainly were that night, right? You were wanting a reaction from me. I wasn't prepared to give that reaction because I didn't understand it. It would have just been. It would have been fake it like I wouldn't have meant what I was saying. So like, I was getting annoyed.

00:12:29:20 - 00:12:35:15 Speaker 2 You were getting annoyed and upset. It was like, well, we're not going to move past this.

00:12:35:19 - 00:12:58:08 Speaker 1 And I think we were probably both. And this is so normal and human like, you want to win. You want to be understood, like you want to make your point and they don't listen to goes back. You're just it's like merry go round. It isn't very merry. It's rubbish. Get off. Like if you're trying to win and score points and convince yeah, like you've already lost.

00:12:58:08 - 00:13:19:16 Speaker 1 And I just, I think it's a bit gross to want to be the one that, like, dominates or comes out victorious. Like the damage that you do by winning an argument is like quite severe. Yeah. To a long term happy relationship. Now, obviously there was no way we could have done this on that night. So that's why go to bed.

00:13:19:17 - 00:13:31:07 Speaker 1 It's like like was like number one. But an argument is two people that see the same thing differently. Yeah.

00:13:31:09 - 00:13:33:03 Speaker 2 Which is often the case for us.

00:13:33:05 - 00:13:58:06 Speaker 1 Of course it is. Of course it was with very yin and yang babes, me and you. That is not an opportunity to beat, bully or convince the other one into joining the other side. It's an opportunity to learn, actually learn what's going on for your partner. It is a really amazing opportunity to understand. Now we that night I'm crying.

00:13:58:07 - 00:14:22:23 Speaker 1 You're staring out the window. We're not talking. It wouldn't happen. But the next day it led to like the most gorgeous conversation. Because I got to fully understand. Why couldn't you hug me in that moment? Why couldn't you say this? And when you explained it in a, I was like, oh my God, it makes sense. Yeah. And I think you got to understand why I was upset.

00:14:23:00 - 00:14:32:20 Speaker 2 Yeah. I think through the conversation it wasn't by the way. It wasn't I didn't hug you. It was, it was I wasn't encouraging. Yeah it wasn't.

00:14:32:21 - 00:14:44:08 Speaker 1 Well it was you did encourage. And then I started crying. And then you didn't cuddle me. Yeah. So then I was like, you were feeling well, I was at you. Yeah. Two fumes. Yeah. Two fumes don't make a.

00:14:44:10 - 00:14:50:13 Speaker 2 Yeah. The cuddling would have just been awkward. I really struggle with that. Unless I actually feel.

00:14:50:15 - 00:15:14:17 Speaker 1 I know, but I'm so soft. If you're just said, can I give you a cuddle? I'd have just started crying. The argument would be neither. Okay, you can't do it. I'm quite glad you can't use the Kryptonite physical. Touch me because you don't like it. Yeah. But, yeah, it's this thing of, like, you both can have different realities and actually make your mission not convincing them the way you see the world is right.

00:15:14:18 - 00:15:22:11 Speaker 1 Make your mission understanding why they see it differently. Caveat abusive relationships exist.

00:15:22:14 - 00:15:23:04 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:15:23:05 - 00:15:36:03 Speaker 1 And if you're with someone that is abusive, deeply manipulative, gaslighting, unable like this isn't going to work. They will never, ever. There'll be no understanding. So if that's you.

00:15:36:05 - 00:15:36:20 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:15:36:21 - 00:15:49:17 Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Yeah. Number four, I think this is so, like, gorgeous is call out your own bullshit.

00:15:49:19 - 00:15:52:13 Speaker 2 Yeah. Again, probably difficult in the moment.

00:15:52:17 - 00:16:03:16 Speaker 1 This is like, in the. This is the morning after or after the walk. So often when people Rao they're like attacking the other one.

00:16:03:17 - 00:16:04:08 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:16:04:09 - 00:16:24:22 Speaker 1 Here's what you're not seeing is why you're not listening is what you've done wrong. Waste of time, mate. Nobody likes to hear that. But if you turn that gaze on yourself and was like, what am I like that girl on the ultimatum? If she'd be like, oh my God, I'm raising my voice. This is not okay.

00:16:24:24 - 00:16:26:03 Speaker 2 It's disarming, isn't.

00:16:26:09 - 00:16:49:09 Speaker 1 So disarming. Yeah, to call out your own BS. So it's like I was able to say to you I'd made a comment. Well, someone else encouraged me and I was able to say the next morning that was just a dick move. I was I was really upset. I was deeply desperate for something. I couldn't get it across. So I sort of lashed out in a in a childish way.

00:16:49:09 - 00:16:50:09 Speaker 1 And I'm sorry.

00:16:50:12 - 00:16:51:01 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:16:51:02 - 00:16:53:01 Speaker 1 And you got to sort of do that too.

00:16:53:02 - 00:17:13:14 Speaker 2 Well, I got to say, like, I obviously your happiness is what is important to me and what I missed the ball on, missed the mark on is that I didn't know that this was happening. This was just a, in my mind, a change of like it's just a change. So I still.

00:17:13:16 - 00:17:23:01 Speaker 1 Change of plan. Yeah. It probably knocked you. Suddenly I'm changing plans. That changes our life. I didn't even think of it from like, oh.

00:17:23:02 - 00:17:34:05 Speaker 2 I don't know, because I was never under the impression that you were quitting music like you would said it, but I was like, I'm not sure about that. Don't know whether that's a great idea.

00:17:34:06 - 00:17:37:01 Speaker 1 I do love Mr. Neutral most of the time.

00:17:37:04 - 00:17:37:20 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:17:38:00 - 00:18:00:03 Speaker 1 Most of the time. So yeah, it's like if you've had a row with someone and you'll go into makeup rather than come in with your list of, here's everything you did wrong in our row, come with a list of here's what I could have done better in our how disarming. And by the way, not in a oh God, you know that like Weasley way.

00:18:00:05 - 00:18:01:01 Speaker 2 Therapy talk.

00:18:01:01 - 00:18:22:16 Speaker 1 Way that therapy. Like I didn't validate you. So therefore my reality. My truth. No, no, no. I'm talking. I was a bit defensive here. I said this, I think, to hurt you. I didn't even say good night when I went to bed. I was like, withholding affection. Call out the reality, the human reality of where you could have done better.

00:18:22:16 - 00:18:25:17 Speaker 1 And if your partner does that, the arguments over.

00:18:25:18 - 00:18:26:07 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:18:26:11 - 00:18:54:13 Speaker 1 Like it's so disarming. So yeah, stop having a go at them yourself and life will maybe get a little bit nicer. Right before we get on to the last one, a very quick word from our wonderful sponsor, which is the amazing loop earplugs. So if you are in the middle of an argument with your partner.

00:18:54:15 - 00:18:55:04 Speaker 3 And they're.

00:18:55:04 - 00:19:08:14 Speaker 1 Just whining on with logic and facts and neutrality, and to be honest, you've just had enough. Leave them be. Yeah.

00:19:08:16 - 00:19:10:02 Speaker 2 Pop in the loop. Earplugs.

00:19:10:02 - 00:19:16:08 Speaker 1 Pop in the lip earplugs and take them down by a few DB's. And it does just work.

00:19:16:09 - 00:19:17:14 Speaker 2 It takes the edge off, does it?

00:19:17:15 - 00:19:18:12 Speaker 3 I just.

00:19:18:12 - 00:19:19:24 Speaker 1 Say something about logic now.

00:19:20:00 - 00:19:20:23 Speaker 2 Oh, shit.

00:19:21:03 - 00:19:46:14 Speaker 1 I can barely hear him and it's absolutely lovely. They've got loop earplugs. Not specifically for turning your partner down, but they would work and they have the loop engage, which I think would be brilliant for this. You can wear the loop engage when you go to a restaurant and you want to turn down the restaurant that turn you down, you've got the loop experience that lets you go to a music festival, and you've also got the loop quiet, which is for taking a nap.

00:19:46:14 - 00:19:50:05 Speaker 1 So I think I might be trying that on our next air rel.

00:19:50:06 - 00:19:51:04 Speaker 2 Okay.

00:19:51:06 - 00:20:00:07 Speaker 1 All of our listeners get 20% off loop earplugs, so if you go to the show notes, it will be linked there.

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00:20:00:16 - 00:20:10:11 Speaker 1 Website with loop that will automatically add you 20%. You can also find it in our social media biographies. Right. Are you ready for thing number five?

00:20:10:12 - 00:20:11:15 Speaker 2 Is it a big one?

00:20:11:16 - 00:20:14:16 Speaker 1 It is a big one and it's kind of the most important one of all.

00:20:14:17 - 00:20:15:15 Speaker 2 Okay.

00:20:15:17 - 00:20:19:12 Speaker 1 And then we're going to like work through the music argument.

00:20:19:14 - 00:20:20:03 Speaker 2 Sure.

00:20:20:04 - 00:20:20:17 Speaker 1 Yeah.

00:20:20:18 - 00:20:21:22 Speaker 2 What. Redo it.

00:20:21:23 - 00:20:23:01 Speaker 1 Oh no I'm not redoing it.

00:20:23:02 - 00:20:24:01 Speaker 2 All right.

00:20:24:03 - 00:20:59:24 Speaker 1 I'm having a good day. It's translate each other, which is like. Except that you speak a different argument language, like you're literally speaking a different language. You're wasting time. Translate each other. So really, truly not passive aggressive, not BS, really, truly trying to understand what they're saying and what it actually means. Like often when you have a row there's something like underneath that that's like probably a bit more human.

00:21:00:00 - 00:21:05:00 Speaker 1 Yeah, a bit more real and probably easier to like deal with.

00:21:05:01 - 00:21:05:12 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:21:05:13 - 00:21:12:02 Speaker 1 So trying to figure out. So if we were trying to figure out and I want to be really careful not to reignite.

00:21:12:02 - 00:21:12:20 Speaker 3 The row.

00:21:12:21 - 00:21:15:02 Speaker 1 But let's do like a live example.

00:21:15:07 - 00:21:20:07 Speaker 2 Of like translating. We've already nearly argued once on this, this episode.

00:21:20:08 - 00:21:20:20 Speaker 3 No, that's.

00:21:20:20 - 00:21:34:15 Speaker 1 Just a bit of rough and tumble, babe. That's all good. Translating what was happening. So I'll, like, say some of the stuff that I said. And you're going to translate back to me.

00:21:34:17 - 00:21:35:24 Speaker 2 What's going on in my head?

00:21:36:00 - 00:21:40:15 Speaker 1 No no no, no. What I really mean, like, trying to understand. And then I'm going to do the same for you.

00:21:40:16 - 00:21:42:09 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:21:42:11 - 00:22:03:22 Speaker 1 So I'll go first. So I've just disclosed that I've sort of had a fire lit for music. Again. It's like passion for 20 years. I've had a tough time last year with and you react to me and then I say.

00:22:03:24 - 00:22:20:08 Speaker 1 Oh, I was hoping for a different reaction. If you were going to translate me saying, I'm hoping for a different reaction into what I was actually feeling and meaning, what would it be.

00:22:20:10 - 00:22:32:13 Speaker 2 That you are feeling positive about music and you wanted someone to jump into that positivity with you?

00:22:32:15 - 00:22:38:18 Speaker 1 Just I wanted to share the excitement with the person that I love most in the world.

00:22:38:19 - 00:22:47:14 Speaker 2 So should I go now? Yeah. So you, for context, have been saying for a year that you don't want to do it anymore.

00:22:47:16 - 00:22:48:04 Speaker 1 Or thinking.

00:22:48:04 - 00:23:12:20 Speaker 2 About or thinking about it, or like it's you're not you're not loving it. And and I've been saying, don't think you should quit. Let's just you don't have to make a decision based on these emotions. So let's see how things go. Use a thinking about doing it again, I say.

00:23:12:22 - 00:23:44:08 Speaker 2 Well, cool. Go into the music studio, record the next album. You say, I wanted you to be a bit more encouraging. And I'm like, I don't know. I can't remember what I say, but I'm completely confused because I'm like, but how is that good or bad? I'm really struggling with giving the same sort of reaction to what I've been doing the last year, which I thought was supportive.

00:23:44:10 - 00:23:48:24 Speaker 2 I thought I'd done the same thing there was was wrong.

00:23:49:05 - 00:23:50:21 Speaker 1 Well, you've translated yourself.

00:23:51:01 - 00:23:53:01 Speaker 3 Oh.

00:23:53:03 - 00:23:55:15 Speaker 2 Maybe I'm not getting it, then.

00:23:55:17 - 00:24:11:05 Speaker 1 Well, I guess, yeah, it would be when you when you were like, let's see if you still like it with all these tickets you've got to sell and you've just come off a tour that you enjoy. Let's see if it lasts.

00:24:11:06 - 00:24:12:16 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:24:12:18 - 00:24:15:24 Speaker 1 That's a good thing to translate because I was like, oh my God, that's so negative.

00:24:16:00 - 00:24:17:11 Speaker 2 Okay, I did say that. Yeah.

00:24:17:12 - 00:24:33:03 Speaker 1 What you meant was like almost this would be really cool if it's forever, but we don't know. We've got a few things coming up. It might change again. Let's not lock you in. I just want to support you. You just wanted to support me. Basically.

00:24:33:04 - 00:24:33:16 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:24:33:17 - 00:24:35:14 Speaker 1 And then I started crying.

00:24:35:16 - 00:24:57:14 Speaker 2 Yeah, well, when you said I'd want you to do something differently, I. I that landed to me as I've done something wrong. Complete confusion. I don't know what I've done wrong. So instead of my, the only thing that I could do is ask you a billion questions about why I've done something wrong. Because I don't understand.

00:24:57:20 - 00:25:03:10 Speaker 1 And like so we're then in question and answer modes because you need more clarity.

00:25:03:11 - 00:25:04:10 Speaker 2 Which is annoying you.

00:25:04:11 - 00:25:30:19 Speaker 1 I'm in tears. I just want to cuddle. Yeah. And it's like, lads, just go have every hours, kit and then you'll be fine. And if we go back to our ultimatum couple. And what? Because it was a similar dynamic. They were younger, but I could, like, see these shades of how we argue. What advice would you give to them to help them?

00:25:30:20 - 00:25:33:01 Speaker 1 Like get through it?

00:25:33:03 - 00:25:40:00 Speaker 2 Well, if I was going to redo it, I think I wouldn't. I don't want to redo the whole thing, but this might help, I think.

00:25:40:01 - 00:25:42:00 Speaker 1 Wait, redo our argument.

00:25:42:01 - 00:25:42:12 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:25:42:13 - 00:25:47:04 Speaker 1 Oh, I'll take a redo. Do you want to do a redo?

00:25:47:06 - 00:25:47:21 Speaker 2 Yeah, sure.

00:25:47:22 - 00:26:02:23 Speaker 1 All right. What, babe? Don't know. How are you going to feel about this? But, like, have actually been really excited about music again and writing songs and thinking that I might really want to, like, go after it again.

00:26:03:00 - 00:26:20:02 Speaker 2 Babe, that is amazing news. I you're you're happiest when you're creating and writing songs. You always have been, whether that's professionally or personally. In fairness, you change your mind every five seconds. So should we see how it is in a week?

00:26:20:04 - 00:26:23:13 Speaker 2 So it gets my point across, but it's also validated.

00:26:23:14 - 00:26:31:10 Speaker 1 You went excitement first, which is what I was wanting, and then human and then humor. I mean that would have been lovely.

00:26:31:16 - 00:26:33:11 Speaker 2 It. Yeah.

00:26:33:13 - 00:26:38:07 Speaker 1 Yeah. So maybe do a reader as well. Press pause, redo it in five days you'll be.

00:26:38:08 - 00:26:42:15 Speaker 2 You used to do that a lot. If we ever used to have a rerun.

00:26:42:18 - 00:26:46:11 Speaker 1 Saw it on some awful like wellness Insta.

00:26:46:12 - 00:26:47:23 Speaker 2 I'm glad you don't do it anymore.

00:26:47:24 - 00:26:58:01 Speaker 1 Oh, listen, it's a dick move. Like I'm happy we did it. There's funny, but, like, just have, like, get in there and have the argument. Sort it out. Yeah, you'll be fine.

00:26:58:02 - 00:27:03:02 Speaker 2 Did that did that work? Was that fine? Was that would that have been accepted?

00:27:03:04 - 00:27:07:17 Speaker 1 Yeah. Can I redo my bit. Because rather than crying.

00:27:07:19 - 00:27:11:07 Speaker 2 Yeah. So I've reacted the way that I reacted.

00:27:11:13 - 00:27:12:19 Speaker 1 And talking about.

00:27:12:20 - 00:27:18:12 Speaker 2 I've said, okay, get in the studio then let's see how you feel in a month.

00:27:18:14 - 00:27:38:19 Speaker 1 Babe, I love so much that you're applying your amazing logical brain to this situation and all those things are so important. But like, just for a moment, I've missed music so much. This really hurt me that I haven't been in love with it. Can I just, like, get high five and a bit of a hype man? But maybe that's back.

00:27:38:21 - 00:27:44:24 Speaker 2 Yeah, sure. It wouldn't have ruined the curry as well. Such a nice Indian restaurant.

00:27:45:00 - 00:27:47:24 Speaker 1 I didn't even get to eat my naan breads. Do you know what.

00:27:47:24 - 00:27:49:07 Speaker 2 I mean? Why did you leave your number?

00:27:49:08 - 00:27:52:04 Speaker 1 Because we left. Was that. Should we go like it was?

00:27:52:06 - 00:27:53:18 Speaker 2 I didn't know you left your name. Bread?

00:27:53:19 - 00:27:57:13 Speaker 1 Yeah. Cheesy garlic naan protested.

00:27:57:15 - 00:27:59:03 Speaker 2 Protest.

00:27:59:05 - 00:28:01:20 Speaker 1 What a weird protest. Like you upset me.

00:28:01:21 - 00:28:06:13 Speaker 2 I'm not eating that cheesy naan now.

00:28:06:15 - 00:28:13:11 Speaker 1 The only person I've had is me. I'm owed a cheesy. None. Yeah. What do you think?

00:28:13:13 - 00:28:15:09 Speaker 2 It would have bloated you out anyway, babe?

00:28:15:10 - 00:28:17:09 Speaker 1 It would. I do bloat. Maybe it was better.

00:28:17:10 - 00:28:18:01 Speaker 2 Yeah.

00:28:18:04 - 00:28:18:19 Speaker 1 Love you.

00:28:18:20 - 00:28:19:13 Speaker 2 Love you.

00:28:19:14 - 00:28:40:03 Speaker 1 Anyway, that's how to argue from two people that argue quite a lot now. And I think, and I think it's good. But we got to learn how to argue. So please don't shout at each other. It doesn't get you anywhere. Don't try and win. Understand that two different realities can be true. I've forgotten the others.

00:28:40:07 - 00:28:41:05 Speaker 2 No.

00:28:41:07 - 00:28:44:12 Speaker 4 You'll pick it up. If you have enjoyed today's episode.

00:28:44:13 - 00:28:45:03 Speaker 2 Please like.

00:28:45:03 - 00:28:45:20 Speaker 4 Subscribe.

00:28:45:20 - 00:28:52:23 Speaker 2 Follow, comment all of the things that really helps. If not, I'm not going to argue about it.

00:28:53:00 - 00:28:55:04 Speaker 1 May lever maybe. See you next week.