Second Cup: Try a limited engagement

0:03Speaker 1:Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio. Good morning. This is Laura. Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast. Today's tip is that if you are aiming to get together with friends more regularly, try your idea for a new routine as a limited engagement. You can commit for a short period of time and enjoy it while it lasts. and then decide whether you want to stick with it for longer or tweak things to make it better. So I think most of us understand that few things in life last forever. Sunday brunch with your girlfriends might last for years, but you will probably not all move in together in retirement, Golden Girls style. Your Tuesday morning run with your exercise buddy might last a decade, but then pause when you're injured and Somehow, never resume. So it goes.

1:07Speaker 1:Something can be wonderful for a long time, and then you move on to something else. But few of us consider the end when we are starting. I guess we are natural optimists, but the problem is that sometimes we don't try things because, well, we suspect we won't want to do them forever. But you don't have to do something forever. you can explicitly try it for a while as a limited engagement. For instance, over at my Substack newsletter, which is called Vanderhacks, by the way, I suggested that if you are considering starting a book club, you will agree with everyone that you will plan to meet once a month for the next calendar year. After that, you will regroup to figure out who wants to continue and whether you'd like to tweak anything about the format. Some people may opt to re-up, and others may not. But nobody has the awkward experience of breaking up with the club because they only signed up for a year in the first place. The limited engagement makes starting and deciding how to proceed a lot less fraught. In a New York Times article, friendship coach Danielle Baird Jackson suggests something similar.

2:29Speaker 1:which is what she calls a limited series with your friend. You pick an activity that lasts a few weeks or months and brings you into more frequent and more structured interaction. She gives the example of watching a TV series and meeting up on Zoom for 15 minutes after each episode to analyze it. The limited series lets you test out more frequent interaction. So if you like it, You can build it in longer term. But even if you decide not to continue, the limited series will have given you shared memories that you can look back on. I think this is a great idea. Maybe you don't want to join a Zoom TV critics club, but you would like to take a 10-week yoga class with friends. You could try a weekly dinner club for a month. Maybe you and some friends decide to do an eight-week training program together to get ready for a 10K. You might arrange with several friends to read a self-improvement book together over the course of a month or two and meet up weekly, in person, or via Zoom to discuss how you are implementing what you learn. If you read one of my books, let me know. Or maybe your limited engagement is with

3:51Speaker 1:a tennis partner. You decide to play every Wednesday before work until the end of the semester. And then you will take a break. Or you might rally a group to rewatch the Pride and Prejudice miniseries. One episode every Sunday night. Until you are finished. I'm sure you could generate a long list of things you would like to do with friends for a little while. Deciding to participate in a limited engagement is a lot lower pressure than, well... the book club you are expected to be in until you die. So it feels easier to say yes. I hear from so many people that they want more connection with friends. A recurring commitment can be a great way to get that connection without the effort of planning multiple one-off experiences. With a limited engagement, you get all the benefits of a recurring commitment, but without the potential for feeling awkward, if the commitment starts to feel like it's all obligation and no joy. I mean, maybe your book club will last for a thousand years, but it may also last for 12 sessions, which could be just as good.

5:09Speaker 1:In the meantime, this is Laura. Thanks for listening. And here's to making the most of our time. Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast. If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at laura at lauravandercam.com. Before Breakfast is a production of iHeartMedia. For more podcasts from iHeartMedia, please visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. you