Not My Circus

0:10Speaker 1:You're listening to a Mother mea podcast Muma Me acknowledges the traditional owners of the land and waters. This podcast is recorded on Power is an interesting thing when it comes to relationships. It can be shared, moved around, when life and circumstances change. It can even be kind of hot.

0:35Speaker 2:I wasn't doing really much with my life. He had a full time job, It's a respectable job. He was a bit older than me. He had a masculine energy, which I did find quite attractive, so tall, dark. He was telling me about all the traveling he had done, and how just all about the things he's been doing, and it just sounded so interesting.

0:58Speaker 1:But the key to navigating different power dynamics is in balance. So when a relationship starts with the scales very much tipped one way, it can prove near impossible to shift it, and all of a sudden you can find yourself nowhere near the driver's seat, spinning out of control.

1:14Speaker 2:I was keeping receipts because if he was going to make accusations against me, I wanted to be known that no, he was the one that was doing the wrong thing. I felt like it was impacting my job because I felt like I was going to get in trouble. He did say that if I interfered in his life in any way, he would get payback.

1:40Speaker 1:I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex Come with me as we dive into a collection of unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the hearts of the very people who lived them. Leah's story begins, as so many do, a young woman who still felt like a girl with just one fairly non serious high school situationship to her name. But at twenty one, while working in a cafe to make ends meet as she tried to find her way in the big wide world, her dating life was about to change.

2:11Speaker 2:I'd finished UNI, but I wasn't doing really much with my life, and I met Ethan when he came in to get coffee. He was coming in quite a few times, making eye contact and being really chatty, and then I was a bit slow to realize, like, oh, this person's actually interested in me. And then he asked for my number. I read it down a receipt and I gave it to him. I was so excited when the text came through with him asking me how I was and that he thought I was cute, and I was flattered. I think everyone thinks, oh, to meet people these days, you got to meet them on a dating app. That's how generally people meet these days. So to meet someone in the wild, I thought, was like quite lucky, and it made me feel like it was a bit more special because I had no idea who he was, and didn't already have a preconceived idea based off a dating app what he was like. He had a masculine energy, which I did find quite attractive. So tull, dark, sort of quiet, but very chat when you get to know him. He organized the date really quickly. We messaged back and forth, he sent me some photos of him at work, and then he organized to pick me up and we went

3:22Speaker 2:on a date to a restaurant by the Bitch.

3:25Speaker 1:His work was a serious, full time job, but he also worked part time in the Army reserves. And he was thirty three, twelve years older than Leah, so she thought it all sounded pretty great. A mature guy with a serious job and good work ethic, and he was interested in her.

3:41Speaker 2:It was the best first date I've ever had because we were just sharing pizza together and he was telling me about all the traveling he had done, and how just all about the things he's been doing, and it just sounded so interesting, like he really wanted to live life to the fullest. I don't think we had a whole lot in common, but we did get along really well. I found him very funny and he was just really kind. I remember feeling quite excited to get to know him more.

4:11Speaker 2:He said he didn't have social media, and I did actually try to look him up because I was so curious about him, and I couldn't find anything. But then I ended up liking that he didn't have social media because of his job, because it forced me to get to know him on our dates, Like I wasn't wasting any time looking at his profile or anything like that. He just seem so mature and just sensible, like you have an issue, just talk it out. So he just seemed just really, really sensible.

4:37Speaker 1:But it was very much casual to begin with. After that first date on the beach, more started to flow, no pressure, just hanging out, having fun and getting to know each other.

4:47Speaker 2:The first few dates we would just do very normal activities like going to the beach, going on a walk, going to a cafe, and the most boring activities were just so much fun because he was just so funny and engaged and just he just wanted to have a good time. Like just getting to know each other just felt so effortless. The first kiss was in the car after one of the dates. I just always felt like he was more into me than I was into him, and I kind of liked that because I feel like, normally I feel like I'm always chasing people who don't like me. When we saw each other, it was definitely in odd times because his schedule was varied and so was mine, and so it was in odd times, but would always make an effort because we did live close by to see each other, even if it was at night or in the morning. It was because I didn't have a normal nine to five, we were able to meet up at odd times. Every time we hung out, I felt like I was having a good time and so was he. And then if we weren't together, he was sending me text messages about what he's doing in his day, sending me photos about what he was up to,

5:54Speaker 2:So I never felt insecure at all, Like I really did feel like secure in the relationship. And so while we weren't boyfriend girlfriend just yet. I just felt so confident that he was trying to date me, to make it into a serious relationship. When we got to the stage where I thought were about to get more serious, he disclosed that he had some issues with a previous partner and he wanted to take it slow because he wants to make sure it's right. And I just thought that was sensible. He didn't want to rush into anything, and so yeah, he did warn me, but I never thought that was a bad thing. I just thought he was being sensible and that he trusted me to tell me about his previous relationships and where's other people wouldn't be telling you about an ex because they really don't tell you. But he was happily disclosing about how his previous relationship was and how it didn't work out, and he might not be fully over her. But that's why he moved cities and he was in a new city because that relationship had broken down. She had gone really upset that it had ended. She was stalking him and he just kept going back to her because she was

7:02Speaker 2:emotionally abusive, and so he's had a lot of trauma from that. That's why he felt like he just wanted to be up sure that the person who was dating was sensible, and so like hearing a guy talking about being abused, you do feel sorry for them. And the fact he trusted me enough to tell me made me feel like, oh, that's good enough for me. It was around the time of COVID, so we weren't actually being able to stay at each other's house, so that really made it hard because we were having lockdowns and people were getting sick, and he had to be careful because he was still having to work. And he would tell me how like because he has no friends or family, because he has moved to a new city, he only has himself to look out for him. So he was very focused on, like he doesn't want to lose any hours at work. It meant he would come to my place, or we will drive up and meet somewhere, and it felt normal because during COVID there were so many cars by the beach, so many cars parked in random street where people were trying to meet up with each other because they were trying to be careful because of the restrictions.

8:07Speaker 2:So we were seeing each other regularly, texting lots, like we were basically in a relationship, but just without the label. I didn't ever stay at his house because he had housemates and I could understand that it would be a bit awkward trying to sleep over, so he would only really come to mind. We will see each other every few days, even if it was just for a couple hours, texting multiple times a day, sending photos. We didn't do call so much because I think it was just too hard with both our schedules were just so different. It wasn't even an option for me, and I think this was like my second relationship. I was just doing what I thought was normal at the time. We were about probably five months in when I started putting pressure on for it to be more serious. It's coming off to my birthday. I wanted him to show up for me, and it was also around the time of his birthday, so I just felt like I wanted I just think especially around special occasions, if you're dating someone, you kind of want them to come to things because you've told I've told my friends and family I'm dating this person,

9:12Speaker 2:so I wanted them to all meet him. He wasn't keen on the idea. I think he just saying how busy he was and how he had a lot going on. He wasn't enthusiastic about doing that, and it did make me feel bad. And I remember thinking, like, if other people had a guy that was flaky like this, you'd say to them like, move on, find someone else. But I thought, you know what, I'm never going to get a perfect person. I just need to find someone who's nice and kind and ticks most of the boxes and that I can work with that. I'm happy to accept him being a little bit flaky, like to me, that was not a bad thing. Like when people say, oh, if you've slightly just cut him off, well, no, because everyone has flaws. And that was probably the one thing that I found hard was he wasn't super super available.

9:58Speaker 2:There was things that I was thinking, I'm not too sure, but I just could not let him go. Like I just thought there was so much potential in the relationship that we just not explored. But I just thought there was so much there to see to experience together. That made me so excited.

10:14Speaker 1:It had been a while now and Lea was starting to get a bit frustrated. She wanted to be with him, but she wanted him to want that to that was still having a great time together. There was definitely a spark and physical connection. They shared everything from stories to dreams and because it's the twenty twenties, memes.

10:31Speaker 2:One day he sent me an Instagram story of a meme and I remember looking at being like, you don't have Instagram, so where's the screenshot come from. I was in shock, and I was starting to feel like I'm so dumb. I'm going to be smarter and I'm going to be a detective and try and figure this out. Don't jump to conclusions or make any assumptions. You're going to get all the facts before you even say anything. And I immediately used a fake Instagram account to go add the profile, and I went through the following list and I found his name, except he had a different surname.

11:08Speaker 2:The Instagram one was real one. I was given the fake one. I didn't tell him because I wanted to find out as much information as I can before he maybe started deleting things or hiding things more. His profile was all lockdown, so it was really hard to see anything on his profile on his Instagram, and he didn't accept a fake account. From there, I went to Facebook, I looked him up. I found his profile his Facebook profile only had photos by himself. There was no pictures with anyone. But I went through everyone who liked his photos and that's where I found the wife. I went through everyone who liked his Facebook profile photo and saw a woman who had hearted it with the same surname.

11:55Speaker 2:I looked her up on Instagram and I saw in the profile Ethan's name with a ring emoji. They were definitely married. It was one hundred percent married. I could see they had been married two years prior, and that the dog that he had was a shared dog with her, and he didn't have housemates. He was living with her. I was thinking, has everything been a lie? Do I even know this person? He knows a lot about me and I was my true self, and I feel like I've been dating a fake. I don't even know what to call it. It's not catfishing, but yeah, I was in shock. I immediately started thinking about every story he'd ever told me about this ex, about how she was funny, but then she didn't take a break up well and she was stalking him and it was having a hard time to get over. Were they possibly about his ex wife?

12:50Speaker 2:He told me he'd moved from up North down to get away from this X. But I could see that they had both previously lived up north and were both now living in the same town as me. So I could see a recent photo together, the pair of them by the beach holding the dog. The photos were very recent and within like the last week on the Facebook. So it made me think that this was a serious relationship that's happening now, not something in the past. It couldn't be justified with oh, we'd split or she was just an ex. I wouldn't have believed that.

13:26Speaker 1:Leah was dumbfounded and totally confused, so she did what any of us would. She rallied her troops.

13:33Speaker 2:My family were like, I would just forget to move on, don't say anything. It's probably worse for the wife than it is for you, so just have nothing to do with them. But my friends were like, I think you need to tell the wife because if that was you, you'd want to know. So I decided to just wait a week, just to sit and think about it, and funnily enough, he was hardly messaging me. I was thinking, well, of course you're not messaging me, You're probably busy with your wife. So I started thinking like, oh, was I the main one carrying the conversation and planning us hanging out and putting in the effort to make it work.

14:09Speaker 2:Was it me that had done most of the that, So now that I wasn't reaching out, he wasn't reaching out either. A week later, he messages me saying he misses me and asking how I was going. I replied, I know you have a wife. I'm not going to tell her. Please tell me what was real and what wasn't. I wasn't actually expecting an answer. I was just hoping he'd apologize, because I wasn't trying to come off as a threat that I was going to tell the wife. I just wanted him to admit to it, like I get it. People make mistakes and then we can move on.

14:43Speaker 2:Not that I would be wanting to be with him, but I just wanted him to admit to it. He said, I don't know where the hell you've got this information from. Who's talking shit about me? Kept asking me if anyone from his work had spoken to me, and I was saying no, and then he said, oh, have you been stalking me? We went back and forth texting, and it was just me trying to get him to tell me the truth. I just wanted him to tell me the truth about their relationship because I felt like I'd been honest in the whole time I was dating him, and everything he told me about himself was probably a lie.

15:21Speaker 2:It just made me just want answers. I just asked him to tell me about the wife. He refused because he was quite intimidating and told me about how he had a previous ex charge with stalking. I'm not sure whether it was some other girlfriend he was cheating or when he was with the wife. It did make me very scared to tell the wife because I just thought, oh, I just found him very intimidating, Like I'm just someone that works in a cafe. I don't think it's worth the fight. I did spend quite a bit of time looking up his wife, him, their friends and family on social media, just trying to like understand who he really was, because he'd always made out that he was some struggling guy working two jobs. You know, he wasn't even eating well.

16:09Speaker 2:He was eating tasty for dinner because he was, you know, struggling, And I just thought, you have a partner, and I am like, I'm on my own, You're not actually on your own.

16:18Speaker 1:From dating this guy for six months, she suddenly realized she had no idea who he was was yet what he was capable of. So she started to put together a file documenting everything she found and how she'd found it.

16:32Speaker 2:So we'd go back and forth texting, and then he would say something, right, leave me the hell alone. If you contact me any further, I'm going to consider this harassment and report you to the police. I was worried that he might continue to say that I was stalking him, and I wanted to be like, no, I didn't. I found out legally, and I think at this point I'd started a part time government job, and then he was implying that I'd used a government system to look him up to find out this information, which I definitely hadn't, and I felt like it was impacting my job because I felt like I was going to get in trouble, even though I know I hadn't done anything wrong, but I felt like they could go that way. I was becoming paranoid and worried that he was going to do something.

17:13Speaker 2:He did say that if I interfered in his life in any way, he would get payback. I never met up with him again. He kept trying to get me to meet up with him because he wanted to explain things, but I didn't want that. I own if you're going to explain it, explain it to me by text.

17:28Speaker 1:And yeah.

17:29Speaker 2:We went back and forth over a few months. So after a couple months of texting back and forth, I decided to add him on my real account on Instagram. If he wasn't going to give me the answers, I thought, I'm going to try find them myself. And that's where I saw that there was no pictures of the wife. There was only pictures with a paramedic named Chloe. And I was then also in shock because I was like, wait, did I get it wrong. There was pictures for the last two years of them going on holiday. The most recent photo was one from the previous year. There was nothing from this year. So it was like for the first two years of their marriage he was with Chloe, but it was It was weird because Chloe's relationship with Ethan seemed very serious, like they were taking holidays, whereas for me it was just something way more casual. Then I was in shock again. I thought I was in a relationship and now I'm like he was in a serious relationship with her, like going on holidays. At least she knew his real name. I didn't get to know his real name, so I kind of I was just jealous. Honestly, in my head, I was thinking, Oh, maybe he was

18:37Speaker 2:with her for two years and then moved cities and maybe he wasn't seeing her now. But then there was some recent photos and some comments, and that's why I was getting confused. And then the other big thing that I saw on Instagram was that he bought a house, and I was just trying to work out which girl did he buy the house with. He bought the house probably around the time that I had found out he had a wife, So that's probably why he didn't really care to try to explain or talk to me or anything, because he was too busy doing that. Like he really didn't care about me. I was nothing.

19:13Speaker 1:Leah was more confused than ever, but at the end of the day, she'd already learned Ethan was a liar. There was no doubt Leah had unknowingly been the other woman to either his ex wife or this Chloe. What good would it do for her to get herself even more tangled up in his lines.

19:28Speaker 2:I think I just had enough answers to know that he was just a massive cheeto and that he wasn't going to change. And I don't think even telling them was going to bring me any peace or third, I believe me, and I just think looking back, there were so many signs that he was cheating that I missed and that I felt dumb and that I have to just move on by trying to build up my confidence. Things like when we did hang out, we were doing mundane activities like going to get your car cleaned, which could have been explained away to the wife, or going to get a haircut, or meeting up at the shops and hanging out. Those sorts of activities the partner was not going to pick up on. They probably just thought he was there by himself. I was spending quite a bit of time thinking about all the signs that I had missed. For example, he said he was allergic to perfume, and there was one day he was like sweating himself, acting like he was having about to have a rash or a breakout because of perfume, and then he was always getting his car cleaned. Just things like that that.

20:29Speaker 2:I go Leah, like, how did you not realize he probably just didn't want to go home smelling like another woman. He was probably getting his car cleaned all the time in case there was any brown hair in the car because his wife was blonde. At this point, I decided, and I'm going to have to forget to move on, except it as a bad memory and just forget. So yeah, I moved cities, I went back to UNI. I changed jobs and was doing full time the government job while studying, and I just thought, I have to forget to move on.

20:59Speaker 1:So that was that a bad experience with the bad guy, But it was behind her, not Leah's circus, not her monkeys. But dear listener, you can see by how long this episode has left, the story isn't finished just yet.

21:13Speaker 2:So it's now been a few years and I have completely moved on. I haven't even thought about him. Every relationship since has honestly been so much better. And I'm in my hometown where my mum lives, and I'm at the shops, and then I get a text from Ethan saying he had just seen me at the shops and he was wondering how it was going. I was thinking, please don't disturb my peace. Like I've moved on. You got away with it. I never told a single person about what you did, and you're texting me right now, like I was just like in shock. I was like okay, And so then I was like, h let me go on social media and check out what these people are doing.

21:56Speaker 2:I could see that he still owned the house that he'd bought when we were dating, and it had not been sold, So that, to me suggested he was not divorced from the wife because they still owned that house together. And then I could see that Chloe was not with him because there was no photos. That's when I decided to message Chloe and ask her, and that's how I found out. I said, were you dating a man named Ethan? I was dating him, and I believe he has a wife and multiple partners. I'm just wanting the truth. I'd really appreciate if you could tell me what had happened.

22:33Speaker 2:She said, Yes, I know Ethan. I was in a relationship with him for a few years. Chloe didn't know about me, but she wasn't surprised to hear that he was cheating with me because he'd done it multiple times. Before she'd moved down from up North down with him, and she found out that he was going between two townhouses between hers and the wife's. Chloe was told that he was married, but they had since been divorced, and because of the whole when you're divorced you have to wait one year, she thought she was dating him during that one year, so she thought they were in the process of getting divorced. And then once she realized the wife had moved from up North down with at the same time as them, that's when she realized maybe maybe they're not divorced. Ethan even nearly bought a house with her, which is kind of crazy because I knew that he probably bought a house with the wife. And then Ethan also said things like, oh, we'll try for a baby and like, So Chloe really did think she was in a proper relationship when your in the process of buying a house and trying for a kid. He was in a marriage and also in a full blown relationship with

23:46Speaker 2:another woman, and I was the other other woman, just in a side relationship. She knew that he was a bit of a cheaterh but he would say to her things like, oh, I cheat because of things you do, so she he put it back on her. She told me that the wife probably already knows about this, but just won't leave him. She told me, Ethan will go to whoever will give him a home cooked meal, a clean house, sex, pay for a holiday. He would just go wherever he could get his needs met. I just thought, oh, my gosh, she had it way worse than me, And it's sad to say that hearing someone else had it worse made me feel a bit better, but like it also just made me not feel crazy because fears I kept this file on him because I don't want to get sued for defamation or you know, sued for stalking or harassment or anything. That I was wanting to be so careful, and then hearing she had an experience worse than mine, it made me feel so validated that he really was a liar, a really good liar, and not a good person. When you think you're the other women, you think, oh, you know that there's a wife and it's a bad relationship. Like I was dating someone who

24:58Speaker 2:I truly thought was only dating me, and that's right, and of why I was shocked, because I truly did not know about these people. So Chloe was very forthcoming and answering all the questions, and then she goes, oh, can you do one? And I said yes, and she goes, he has a new partner named Jenna. Can you please warn her? Because I wish more people had warned me. Chloe had warned Jenna, but she didn't want a bar of it. She just didn't believe it. She goes, oh, he has a pass. Everyone has a past. So I think Chloe thought if I warn Jenna, least she has the information so that she can decide what she wants to do. Like she might not listen to me, but at least she was aware. And I kind of understand it because I remember the shop when I first found out that, so I yeah, I wish I knew sooner.

25:43Speaker 2:So I messaged Jenna to say I dated Ethan, he was a cheeterh and has a wife, and that he'd messaged me recently, you know, when I was at the shops trying to chat to me. I also said I was really sorry to tell her this and that if she had any questions, I'd answer them. She rode back and said, can you please send me the screenshots? I sent screenshots and or replied, and then I did get a message from Ethan saying, I know you contacted Jenna. You should be very careful. You're going to get charged with disturbing the peace. I just decided I have to forget and move on. He has to live with what he's done, but I just have to accept it that it is what it is. I can't be trying to explain this to like different women. You want to help people, but sometimes you really just got to let things go and move on. I didn't really feel guilt. I just felt more jealousy because at least they got to experience a proper relationship and I'm not. And I was in my early twenties and that's what I wanted. And he said to me how he was wanting a serious relationship too at the very beginning, but then was having doubts.

26:53Speaker 2:And then I felt those doubts were because of me, maybe because of me not being good enough, and it just made me want to work hard to impress him. I did think he was a great guy. Like I don't go telling lies, so I don't assume that when I'm seeing someone that they're going to be lying to me. He asked me out he was the one that wanted to date me. He was actively trying to date me, and it wasn't like a situation where he just found himself accidentally cheating. It was very intentional. So now he's probably in his late thirties and he's a grown man, and he's going to have to just live with this.

27:32Speaker 2:I feel nothing towards him. I just hope he can stop hurting people. I mean, he would always say things like you don't know what I've been through or how hard my life is, to imply like he's always had a hard life to justify his poor behavior, and I just hope he grows up. It's kind of embarrassing like way to treat people. And I like to think in karma, so like it might he might not have any consequences, but maybe somewhere down the track. He mined, I do look back and wish I didn't spend so much time looking at the wife, the partner on social media, because I look back and I just think time's precious, and I just wish I didn't spend so much time thinking about these people and what characteristics they had that I didn't have, and just comparing myself I've just been focused on trying to build up my confidence, getting into exercise, actually having a career, because before I think I just felt like I wasn't smart, I wasn't funny, which I really felt like these other girls that he was in a proper relationship with work because they were paramedics and nurses, they were smart, they seemed very funny. They just seem

28:37Speaker 2:like more interesting people, and so I've just been trying to focus on myself. It definitely has challenged me to think more critically about things, like just because someone said that doesn't mean it's true, Like does things add up? Does it make sense? Actually look for red flags, which I was very naive in the beginning.

29:10Speaker 1:Everyone Has an Ex's a MINTI Media production and proudly part of the Mum and mea Network. This episode is written and narrated by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott. If you have a story you'd like to share, email podcast at momamea dot com dot you. You can support us by following the show in your favorite podcast app and leaving a five star review. We'll see you for the next episode.