An Epiphany About My Relationship (ft. Abbie Chatfield)

0:00Speaker 1:High Scrollers is produced on gadigul Land.

0:02Speaker 2:We pay our respects to the traditional custodians of this country and Elder's past and present.

0:07Speaker 1:Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land.

0:13Speaker 2:Well, Abby Chatfield, welcome to Close Friends. This is We're gonna get to know you a little bit more, get a bit more personal. This is where close Friends. Obviously sticking with the social media theme, we just we just relax a little bit more. It's not so much like what's been happening on the internet. It's like we just relaxed and just have a chat. And again it's anything goes here. But I have something that I want to talk to you about because there's a video that you posted quite a while ago when was this and.

0:41Speaker 3:I feel it's really problematic and I'm going to bring up confront you.

0:44Speaker 2:Well, oh, actually remind me to remind me to talk to you about something that because when I was researching for this episode, I was looking for videos that you've posted, and I also was like, you know, looking at things. I was like, I want to go back and oh my goodness, there's so many from like your when it's a lot was like just in its first little baby step there's some old videos where I kind of wanted to quiz you on like some of the things you were saying. You sure, there'd be like do you still stand by this? What do you feel about it now?

1:12Speaker 2:Like blah blah. We won't go there. I'll ask you after the podcast, because there's some funny, funny things.

1:16Speaker 1:There are some things I've said that I go that you said.

1:18Speaker 2:I know that. That's me too. That's why I've privated all my YouTube videos because I go, I would hate for someone to see that today, and I get a bit icky, even with high schools. I mean, this podcast is only like three years old, and people will be like, oh, I just caught up. I only started listening three months ago, and I go, you've listened to an episode from twenty twenty two or three or something whenever we started this, And I think to myself, oh, the things I said then, and I would have been so stiff and robotic. So it's like, I'm like, if I said it longer than a week ago, just don't ignore it that I said it.

1:49Speaker 2:You know that's not how I feel today. You know, my mind changes so frequently. Anyway, The point is, you said this would be interesting to see if you feel the same way I think you will. You posted this last year in on the the fifth month, which is May, so.

2:02Speaker 1:In the fifth month of the year, which is actually my thanks.

2:05Speaker 2:And this resonated with me so dearly. I won't play the whole thing, but I just want to dive deeper into this because even in this video you talk for fucking and a half minute, but I still need more and I'm really happed to talk to you about this. I have a listen. The caption on screen is an epiphany about my relationship.

2:24Speaker 4:You're unsure if your relationship is right for you. Let me tell you how I know that my relationship is right for me, and also how I know that it's the only healthy relationship I've ever been.

2:34Speaker 5:In, because if I knew that this.

2:37Speaker 4:Feeling existed in all my other relationships, I would have ended them so.

2:42Speaker 2:Much faster, so much faster.

2:44Speaker 4:The feeling is this. I had an ephany about this the other day. I know that I want to be with Adam for the.

2:51Speaker 5:Rest of my life because the more that I'm with him, the more.

2:55Speaker 4:Certain I am that I would be okay without him.

2:59Speaker 2:Okay, it sounds kind of intuitive, but it isn't.

3:03Speaker 5:The more that I'm with him, the less I want to be with him.

3:06Speaker 2:I want to be with him all day, every day.

3:08Speaker 1:It's all I want to obsessed with him.

3:10Speaker 2:The more that I'm with him, the more I love him.

3:12Speaker 5:But the more that I'm with him, the more secure I feel in myself as an individual human and the more that I know I'll be okay if I was ever.

3:22Speaker 2:How much longer without him, I think that wraps up.

3:27Speaker 1:That's where I can't stand.

3:30Speaker 2:I know, I know, but then you go, you go dive a little bit deeper. But I wanted to dive a little bit deeper because I love that video so much. Even commented on Earth I've got a few likes. I said, Wow, Abby, this is an incredible take because and I went wow speaking to the choir, because I feel like I feel that in my relationship with Sky, but I never had the words or was able to put on a feeling like that. And I feel like we are similar in the sense that all the other relationships I've ever been in my life. I am in vital flight mode. Yes, I am, like if I text Harry and texting back straight away, Yeah, I mean this is obviously years and years ago. I'm checking the snapchat location. Where are you? Yeah, I said, I said, what are you doing? You said nothing?

4:19Speaker 2:But why are you at the shops? Who at the shops? What do you And like gays, we have to worry about cruising and things like that. So with you know, I mean, I'm going, what's going on? What's going on? Why are you there? Yeah? Are you on a grind hook up right now? Like? What's going on? Like I've always been vital flight in every single relationship with Sky. Have never felt from even the inception of our relationship since before then, not once have I ever had to worry where he is, what he's doing, who's talking to Is he cheating on me? Is he like? What's going on?

4:49Speaker 2:Never once? Like he makes me feel so secure in myself, And you basically summed that up so perfectly where it's like, Okay, if I ever did have to live without him or the relationship ended or whatever, God for bid, touch would touch?

5:03Speaker 1:Is that touch fake concrete.

5:08Speaker 2:That I would be okay? And in every other relationship I have been like, if they ever leave me, I will never ever be okay and it will destroy me. And it's the most it's the weirdest thing ever, So anyway, talk to me about it.

5:21Speaker 1:Well, No, I agree. I feel like you're in the fight or flight thing.

5:23Speaker 3:It's like you're in survival mode when you're in these and it is even just I think it's very easy for everyone talk about relationships in like abusive or healthy, but there's a there's a scale, you know. And I've been really awfully neglectful, really awfully controlling also just kind of like ones that weren't for me. And in all of those relationships, I felt like I've been looking to that person as my emotional survival and I feel like that's why I've been in fart of flight mode just like you.

5:50Speaker 1:But I've also been in forn you know, fawning mode.

5:53Speaker 2:You know.

5:54Speaker 3:No, okay, so this this fight or flight, we all know those ones. There's also freeze and fawn and fawning is quite common in women, particularly in abusive relationships, where you're trying to like like make the person really like you and be really really like good girl and be very like loving towards them even if they're not treating you well. Because it's a survival tactic of kind of like tricking them, or not manipulating them, but going I'm good, I'm no threat, essentially, like rolling over on your back like a puppy essentially, And so I would do that a lot, but I would still be in this survival mode.

6:30Speaker 3:I could never tell when I was actually comfortable or actually relaxed, and it's because I wasn't. And then when I got into a relationship, it's why I say, like, I didn't even realize as was possible, and I'm sure you didn't either. When I got into a relationship where yeah, he's so communicative, he's like never even if he's on tour, even if he's about to go on stage, and I call him, he answers, even if and even if it's something stupid, then I go, oh, fuck, forgot yet to show.

6:56Speaker 2:Sorry.

6:57Speaker 1:It's like he's he's just always there.

7:00Speaker 3:Also has built me up as a person in my self esteem that I can I know that if we broke up, I wouldn't I wouldn't cease to exist, which I feel like I used to feel like a lot, and I still feel that way for sure, even even more so now I think I've been with him for longer.

7:16Speaker 1:But it's a very nice thing to go through.

7:19Speaker 3:But it's quite sad when you look back at your other relationships and you go, oh, I felt like my worth was so attached to your attention or to your kindness, or to even like with controlling relationships, to me being quote unquote allowed to do something or the peace in the relationship, that was what I was always striving towards. It was like there was always something to figure out, you know, in the relationship, and that was where my survival, where my focus was. Whereas now, like obviously things happen externally as always like in your lives individually, but.

7:54Speaker 1:Adam and I rarely have like one v one issues.

7:57Speaker 3:Of course, we have like arguments and we have disagreements and stuff, but it's never like you're doing something wrong. What you're doing is wrong, what you know, you're in trouble, or you're lesser than or you you have some manipulative ulterior motive. It's like, that hurt me the way you did that, and I know you won't trying to do that, but it did hurt me, you know, whereas previously the communication was like you're a piece of shit essentially, Oh that's what I heard.

8:22Speaker 2:Anyway, Yeah, do you have that as well, absolutely, but except that Sky and I still I don't know how many years. I want to say seven, it could be eight. I'm so sorry, so long, I can't remember. It's it's been a long time, and where yet to have a fight.

8:38Speaker 1:That's amazing, an argument that's so amazing.

8:41Speaker 2:To have even like a minute disagreement about like something silly, like there's just we just work so well together, whereas like I wouldn't even be dating a man yet and we would be fought, like abusing each other with our words. We'd be like fighting about just stupid, stupid stuff, and you're not even dating yet and you haven't a fight, Like how fucking Stupid's that? It's so ridiculous, and like God forbid. And I think like the best part is as well, again god forbid i'd ever be without him.

9:14Speaker 2:But it's also given me the courage to be like I would never let anyone ever treat me, which also kind of bleeds out into all relationships anyway, because obviously there's no plan to ever have anyone but him in my life ever again. But let's say, for example, there was there's no way I would be going back to fight or flight mode, i'd be going, sorry, I know my worth. That's what you were saying in that video as well. He's like, if God forbid there ever was that time, you would never again let someone treat you like the way you've been treated in the past, because it's one of those really weird things where like I kind of have thought I've been in love and I thought I've been in good relationships before, and then you actually have a good relationship and you go, oh, you're actually not meant to get hit by your partner, actually not get yelled at constantly. Oh, you're actually not meant to be manipulated every day. Oh you're actually not meant to be on edge waiting for them to reply. Oh you're actually not waiting for do you know what I mean?

10:11Speaker 2:And you go, oh, this is actually what a relationship is supposed to be. I'm interested to know, like one thing that you could give our scrollers, Like, what's like one sort of I guess I want to say piece of advice, but not really piece of advice, but like, what's the one thing that you think this is why our relationship works so well?

10:37Speaker 3:Oh, I think it's because and this might seem really basic, but like we actually really like each other and we're not trying to hurt each other. And I feel like in previous relationships that hasn't been at the forefront, at the forefront has been quite a like I mean, look, I feel like there's been I don't want to be like and I never did anything wrong, because like I'm sure that I have done things that are wrong in relationship, but like in I feel like Adam and I think as we were friends as well before, so like first and foremost, we think about how the other person's going to feel, and the arguments that we have had are things that are like we've been too worried about hurting the other person's feelings. And then almost it's been like we've kind of brought something up and it's not being clear, you know what I mean. It's like it's actually kind of cute. It's like we're all like I'll be so worried about how he's feeling about something external and vice versa, and then we'll kind of like panic but about the other person not being happy, and then that turns into like a little bit of like, oh no, I just

11:38Speaker 3:need you to like tell me how you're feeling that's kind of the extent of it. And I think the biggest thing the difference in this relationship is that we, yeah, we just prioritize each other's happiness and peace at all times rather than prioritizing like being right or because it doesn't really matter if you're right or you're wrong. What matters is if you're happy in the relationship. And I think that we really are careful with our words, We're really careful with what we bring up we don't bring up.

12:04Speaker 3:And I think we've been through a lot of stress in the past year especially. That's just like in like insane amounts of stress, so like are just like, you know, things people don't even know, things people do know, just like Nightmareville Nightmareville. And I think we never ever blame each other for those anxieties or for that pressure. But you know, it was really weird for me the first the first maybe six months or a year, I was kind of waiting for him to do something fucking insane, Like I was like, he's gonna do something wild because I'm feeling comfortable, and that is really that's that's uncomfortable for me, feeling comfortable And people say that people that have been in abuseiful bad relationships. Oh you're just chasing the high, You chasing Night's like, no, no, no, not at all. I'm not chasing the high. The issue was I was previously accustomed and acclimatized to being treated a certain way, and I wasn't chasing that, but I was just able to endure it. Like I've spoken about it before in the podcast about it being like emotional callouses, where it's like you're just used. You're just used to it,

13:04Speaker 3:Like you're saying, like, you know, used to be abusing our words of even together.

13:07Speaker 2:That's all you know, that's all you know. You think, Oh, that's just how it's meant to be.

13:11Speaker 3:Yeah, and people think that you're weak for staying or that you're lesser than for staying in those relationships, that, oh, why don't us to get a backbone and leave. It's like, actually, unfortunately I had too much of a backbone, and I was too resilient to being treated poorly or seeing you know, in my life, seeing people being treated poorly or being abused that Unfortunately, I was just used to that and I wasn't seeking it out, but I was.

13:36Speaker 1:Just able to copy it a bit more.

13:38Speaker 3:And then when I was with Adam, I was kind of waiting for the for the other shooter job as they that's what they say.

13:44Speaker 1:Yeah, what old does that mean? I don't know, so I'm not.

13:47Speaker 2:Go Google go. Can you figure out where the others about walking booking? We did this last week with Christian, all these all that he had, all these SAMs. Yeah, yeah, so they'll be there'll be a weird olden day peasant peasant thing about.

14:02Speaker 6:It waiting for the other shoe to drop, which means anxiously wait for the final usually.

14:09Speaker 2:Yeah, but where did that come from? I want to see the original source. Come on, Google girl, get it together, girl, Google girl. Surely I'm thinking like peasant at the markets, you drop the second shoe once you've paid for the whole. You know what I mean?

14:25Speaker 1:That's good from Oh.

14:28Speaker 2:All right, come on over, come on in Big Rising Star of the podcast today.

14:34Speaker 6:It comes from late nineteenth and early twentieth century New York City tenant Yeah, tenement tenement ye apartments where thin ceilings made noise of an upstairs neighbor dropping the shoe loud and clear on the ground.

14:50Speaker 2:When they drop their shoes waiting for the other shoe to d So they dropped the first one, kick it off, and you're going there, you go the other one.

14:58Speaker 1:They'd be anxious the whole time, waiting for the and what if.

15:00Speaker 2:They didn't drop the second shoe for whatever reason, You'd be going, well, where is their other second shoe? The shoe the other second shoes drop.

15:07Speaker 3:Single shoe, banded h But so I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, just like the people in the tenement buildings in New York in the late nineteenth century.

15:15Speaker 2:Listeners of the Forge, I.

15:17Speaker 3:Hope you guys are doing well now. I've got thicker ceilings now. But yeah, I feel I feel like that was kind of my whole existence, and then that led to the fight or flight in the relationship. And then now I just have realized that, yeah, the more that I'm with him, the more that I'm like, oh, I'm a I'm a full person. And I think a lot of relationships in if they aren't abusive, if they're like codependent, or if they are just like a little bit shit or not great, they affect yourself esteem so much that you feel like, oh, no, you're you've got this like like this growth on you that if the growth was to be cut off, you'd bleed out, you know. And I think Adam and I just have our own full lives, and then that makes me feel like, oh, you're choosing to have me in your life, which I'm sure you feel like with Sky, it's like, oh, we're actually actively choosing to be with each other, not to be all cliche going, and there's a choice every day, but like it really is, Whereas I felt like in previous relationships it was like, oh, we're in this now, so like this is just like what it's going to be, and

16:20Speaker 3:I have to make this thing work. And if I can't make this thing work, and therefore my self esteem and my self worth is so is low or like I'm the problem in this and the other thing that I noticed with Adam as well, after those relationships, I'm spoken about this as well, Like he writes me poems most of the time, Like most days I get a poem. More I get a little voice note telling me how much he loves me. If he gets up before me, which he does most mornings, and it's two minutes.

16:46Speaker 1:Of reasons why he loves me or whatever.

16:50Speaker 3:And I feel like previously you know, I felt like I was the common denominator in these relationships, and so everyone says, they're like, well, have you've been in bad relationships?

17:00Speaker 1:Common denominator?

17:01Speaker 3:And people say, have to change yourself and change everything about yourself defined someone it's gonna love you. That's why I was also scared to leave those relationships and why my self esteem was so low in those because I was like, well, I've had this happened time and time again. I guess this is my lot in life. Where does that come from? Miss Google girl? This is my lot in life? And that's just kind of like my destiny that I'm you know, I'm gonna stay in this. So I've got to make this work, because what's the other option?

17:27Speaker 3:Whereas you know, I've not changed anything about myself. I got out of a relationship and then Adam and I, even though we were friends before, we started like getting together a little, you know, a couple of months after that relationship, and I felt so bad about myself after that relationship, and I didn't have to change a bloody thing, Dallan like, and yet I'm now with a man that treats me well and is romantic and goes above and beyond and big penis, and it's like really beautiful for me to experience.

17:57Speaker 1:All these things.

17:58Speaker 3:They go, oh, you're hot, you're cool, you're funny, every one loves you like, you're talented, you're creative, you love me, You're not like scared to say you love me.

18:06Speaker 1:You're really like communicative.

18:07Speaker 2:You never have to question if they love you, which is like something that I question every other relationship. Not once have I ever had to think to myself, like does I even love me? Like I know it so much in my core, I like I never have to question that in every other relationship. Every day I would question.

18:23Speaker 1:That really every day.

18:24Speaker 2:Every day I'd be like I don't even know if they like me?

18:27Speaker 1:Yeah, And did you have to change yourself when you got with Sky?

18:30Speaker 2:Never? No, not at all.

18:31Speaker 1:He's amazing and.

18:32Speaker 2:He almost found me, Like because that happened really naturally, and like it was one of those things where everyone goes, oh, you know, the relationship will come when you're not looking for it. It's exactly what happened. Like I was in no mood today, it wasn't looking for it. And again we were friends first as well, and then it just like really naturally kind of like formed, And I mean I was crushing on him from the moment I saw him. Me too, But no, you're not in the sky. And I've said this a million times on the podcast. Sorry you're hearing it, but this is probably the first time Abby's hearing it. But the first time I saw him was at a was a arc downstairs drag for dollars.

19:06Speaker 2:I walked in with my friend and we would we went in to see the drag show and I saw Skuy sitting on the floor across the room and I went, oh, my god, love that boy over there. That's my future husband. First time I ever saw him. And then now look at us engaged. Oh my crazy right, But even saying that, there was no way I was fucking talking to him. There's no way I was going up. So we just naturally were friends for like months and months and months later and then one thing led to another. But like, I really wasn't looking to date. And I had also just like the last three or maybe even four guys that I had like been with that I think even only two of the four were actual boyfriends, Like it was more situationships with the other ones. Like the last four guys were just like so fucking awful to me, and even the last one that I had just kind of like let go of maybe four months before I started dating Sky ruined me so much that I was like a shell of a human being that I was like, there's no way I can even try and date any I wasn't even like just hooking up with anyone. I wasn't talking to boys full stop. I was like, I

20:07Speaker 2:just want nothing to do with them right now, and I just need to live my life. And then lumphold, the other shoe dropped there is that Sky was the other shoes on the floor. And then it just kind of like happened really naturally, and it's been really natural ever since. Like nothing's ever been forced. It's just like it's just wild. But one of the biggest things for me and the reason that I think that my relationship works, and I think it's got to do with this secureness as well, is that. And I've said this before again, sorry repeating myself, but Sky and I keep our friend groups very very separate. Do you get too with Adam, Like, like, for example, we still hang out and like if he's having a birthday party, of course, I'm there and all the friends are there, and we might have a Christmas do when the friendship groups merge. But but I go for dinner with my girls. He goes for dinner with his girls. I barely talk to his girls. I love his girls, have a good time, lovely if they happen to come over, Like if one of his girlfriends comes over and is at our house, I go, I love, how are your house work blah blah. Anyway, you two.

21:15Speaker 1:Have fun, I'll be up twitch.

21:19Speaker 2:Busy, go do me fortnight. But I leave them kind of b Whereas in the other relationships, I realized, you know, a couple of years into this relationship, I realized, wow, I wanted to like force the guy on my friends. I was like, Oh, we're going to dinner, my boyfriend's coming. He's amazing, you need to see him, blah blah blah. Because I almost feel like I either wanted him so ingrained in my life, Like it's almost like I was trapping him in there, like oh, you're a group. Now you're in the friend group, like do you know friends?

21:48Speaker 2:Or I was trying to prove to my friends, Hey, look at this guy that I've got because I was so fired or fly. I was like, he could leave me at any moment. So the more ian ingrain him in my life, Like here we go, so like, oh, we've been dating for not even very long at all. We might not even be official. You're coming to the family. You're going to the family. Do it's Grandma's ninety. Yeah, he's my boyfriend. That's not even my boyfriend. Ye meet him? Yeah, So like I find that really interesting that. I think that's one of the biggest things that has helped as well, because then it gets messy once you bring the friends in, because then the friends are talking to the boyfriend as well, and they're getting a little too close for comfort. And then it's a bit messy once you break up, because then my friend's like even at the moment, one of my friends is going through a breakup, and I followed the boyfriend on Instagram, and I'm like, what do I do? Now?

22:34Speaker 2:Do I unfollow? Because then that's a bit awkward, isn't it. I just unfollow.

22:37Speaker 1:I know I have no interest in your life and.

22:39Speaker 2:He barely posts anyways. Yeah, he won't notice when he does it the beach, So I need that in my life. But you've seen the beach, you know what I mean, Like it's like getting because you do want that dream of like, oh, you know, double dance, and we want everyone to be like together. I think it's so much easier to keep everything to an extent pretty separate.

22:58Speaker 1:Yeah, I think so.

22:59Speaker 3:I mean, I've I think it's different for when when when a man loves a woman.

23:04Speaker 1:You know, I think it's different.

23:05Speaker 5:I think.

23:05Speaker 3:I think with queer relationships it's way harder and you have to be more intentional with it, whereas in my relationships, I've never Adam is actually the person that I've brought around most of my friends because usually I'm really embarrassed, so I've but Adam and I like, we do make a lot of effort. I guess if we're doing social things and my girlfriends invite me, I'm never going, oh, and Adam's coming. But we do have a lot of like group dinners with his group but plus me, and then my group and then plus him because a lot of my group as well is couples already.

23:41Speaker 1:But I am trying to make an effort more in the.

23:43Speaker 3:Past like six months, maybe a year, to be like I think because as well, like with our jobs and with your job, like you're touring, Like when we're home, we're like, fuck, we just see everyone, like we need to see everyone altogether. But I'm trying to make more of an effort to just see people one on one.

24:02Speaker 1:Not that I don't do that.

24:04Speaker 3:But I also feel like I don't really have like a group. I have like a group, but they're all kind of like into state. They're all kind of like Hodgepodge, a Hodgepodge group a little bit. But so yeah, we do make an effort to have like we have different have separate lives, separate friends, and that does help in not feeling like you are reliant. I've been in relationships where like my partner has like even like brought my friends over to my apartment and I go, yeah, I go, I'm working.

24:36Speaker 2:I can't.

24:36Speaker 1:Now I have to weirdly entertain my friend, like you aren't.

24:40Speaker 3:You need to tell me before you do this, And so that feels that felt a little bit strange, But yeah, I feel like it's different. It's really different for queer couples. I think you have to make a real effort because it's so easy to bring in everyone together, whereas do I really want to What does he do? I mean he got he does pretty cool things. To be fair, it goes like sick gigs and stuff. I go, you go do that. I'll just have my home time and vice versa. So it's not really like a conscious thing.

25:07Speaker 2:But that's the other thing. Time apart just as important as time together. Yeah, that's another thing. In other relationships every minute, I want to be with you every fucking minute. Now, Skuy's like I've got to go away for three days. I'm going to visit Grandma or whatever, I go have fun out and I'll be sitting.

25:21Speaker 1:Here on the lounge. Is he trying a silo because you trust each other.

25:25Speaker 2:It's not because I don't want him there or that he's he's not loud. He's really quiet person. But like it's it's just like it's one of those things where I go, I'm going to enjoy my time away from you, whereas other relationships I would have gone. You can't go away for three days? What do you mean I'm psycho? What do you mean go away for three days? What am I going to do? Whereas now I go, I figure that have fun.

25:46Speaker 1:The question is are you psycho?

25:47Speaker 2:Because you've kind of proved well that made me psycho.

25:50Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, but they made me, That's what I'm saying.

25:53Speaker 3:You have the tendency the psycho tendencies, for sure, we all do. But even that, it's like people are like, oh, I'm so crazy, I'm so crazy, and I get it's like and silly, but also I think the reality is when you're in a normal relationship and a healthy relationship and with someone that validates you, you don't have to beg for attention.

26:09Speaker 1:You're not scared about them going.

26:10Speaker 3:To do a grinder hook up or go cruising, then you're not psycho.

26:14Speaker 1:So it actually isn't your standard gear.

26:19Speaker 3:I guess, you know, like the whole attachment styles things, which is great and informative, well disorganized, anxious and avoidant.

26:30Speaker 1:I can go either way, which is the worst one.

26:32Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, But I haven't had to do any work on that with Adam. I've not been anxiusly touched to him. I've not been avoidant. I've been very like open with it. And it's because I think it came at the end of a really horrible time where I was at rock bottom. I had no interest in dating anyone. I was like, I'm done looking at anyone. It's ever gonna go well with anyone. I don't think I even have the capacity to be healthy, happy and healthy in a relationship.

26:53Speaker 2:This is bad for me.

26:54Speaker 3:I don't want to be involved in it, and I kind of blame myself. But then it was very easy to not be quote unquote psycho or anxious or avoidant when I was in a normal, happy relationship where communication was open. I think a lot of people, particularly women and queer people, like a lot of straight men aren't doing the work and investigating their fucking and attachment style are there, But a lot of people who are in relationships that the non strait cyst men are over analyzing anything like oh my god, I'm so awful, like demonizing themselves and shaming themselves or having these feelings their anxieties, when in reality, that's kind of like a normal reaction to being neglected or overly controlled or any of these things, or treated like shit or being cheated on. Previously, it's a normal reaction to be anxious about those things. So yeah, I think it's a really wonderful thing to feel really secure in the relationship and also in yourself and like you were saying that bleeds that into your friendships as well, because you go, oh, like, I actually don't deserve to be treated shit by my friends, or I can see

27:55Speaker 3:who is good for me and who is bad for me and vice versa. And even with work, like you have like better standards with everything.

28:02Speaker 2:It's weird because you have your own identity, yeah, which is beautiful. Respect yourself more, yeah, respect yourself more. And I definitely am way more intentional with my time, especially in my friendships and who I give my energy to. And I think that if I wasn't in a relationship like I'm in now, it would be chaos. It would be chaos, would it? Yeah? Yeah, because I'd just be chaotically. Like if I'm not getting the validation from you, I gotta find it from one of my friends who wants to hang out. What are we doing? Where are we going?

28:32Speaker 2:What are we doing? Blah blah? Do you know what I mean?

28:34Speaker 5:Yeah?

28:35Speaker 2:And I just feel so at peace.

28:37Speaker 1:That's so nice. Yeah, So why isn't that wonderful?

28:41Speaker 2:Isn't it nice?

28:41Speaker 3:I think for anyone listening, it's like, if in a relationship where you don't feel at peace, I think it's definitely worth interrogating, even if it isn't like I think a lot of people like are saying, I think it's either abusive or it's healthy. And sometimes I see a lot of people I have a lot of friends and in relationships, but they're nice enough, they're nice, yeah, but this person is not fulfilled. And that minimization of their self esteem isn't necessarily because a person's being mean to them or awful to them. It's because they know this is in the relationship they want. Even those things can erode your self esteem. And I feel like if you're feeling that way, or if you're feeling like this is all I can get or I can all I deserve, then it's time to get out. Because if you're bargaining with yourself, I'm sure you've had that. We're like, well this is well, there we are, this is all I can get, this is what's available to me for now.

29:29Speaker 2:And too hard, too hard to end this and start again? Like too hard? Too hard?

29:33Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, get out. It's not too hard. It actually is very very easy. And in fact, I think as well, it's very easy for us to go and then you know the right person will come along eventually, which is like, maybe they won't, but you'd be happier alone and find the validation in yourself if you. I think it would be a really big self esteem booster to leave a bad relationship. It usually is if you have the right support system, if you have the right perspective on it, if you're able to like self reflect and channel and do all these things. It actually is good for your self esteem to leave something, whether it's a job or a friendship or relationship that isn't serving you, because then you are actually respecting yourself in that action. That can be the start of your journey away from the awfulness.

30:17Speaker 2:Beautiful, Thank you so much.

30:19Speaker 3:Should write a book Wow Well coming out soon, see how it goes on that.

30:25Speaker 2:I think that's a really nice note to end this beautiful little Close Friends episode. Thank you for getting a little bit more vulnerable with us. I hope you enjoyed Scrollers having Abby Chatfield on the podcast. We'll have all Abby's links down below so you can go on keep up to day. But I'm sure your fucking knows already. Like the same thing with Christian last week, I was like, everyone already knows Christian is like I don't know why we're trying to give you prima. You sort of dull.

30:47Speaker 2:You're fine. I love it, and stay tuned for Abby's book. We're going to get Abby back on High Scrollers when the book comes out, and we'll talk all about what's in the book, what we're doing in the book. You know, the little press to it you'll do. I want to have it because genuinely, these two episodes we just recorded, I'm like, you are dream podcast. Like we we didn't take a break once like sometimes you have a guest, we just take a quick break clock of like Okay, what are we gonna talk about next? Like coot just fucking food.

31:14Speaker 1:Yeah, but I fucking love you.

31:15Speaker 3:Thanks Ammy. I was so excited to do. I never go on podcasting and promoting something and look at this.

31:20Speaker 2:Yeah you don't charity work for Thank you?

31:24Speaker 1:You know, see you.

31:26Speaker 2:That's got a good I wanted to see because you know, we were having a hard Scrollers loneliness just sorted that for I was.

31:37Speaker 1:Just trying to say that I love talking to it. I think you wonderful. So I was excited to see you have.

31:41Speaker 2:Your chatfield love scrollers, not all scrollers. We'll see you, next Tuesday. Love you,