Grandmazon

0:00Do you guys have a shelf piled up with games that at one point in your life you're like, "We're gonna do this. We're gonna be a family that plays games every night- 100%... and this will be the game that we play," and then, like all of a sudden you're like, "I don't remember buying Apples to Apples Jr." [upbeat music] Welcome to Not Right Now, the podcast about parenting through all of this. We'll be talking about/crashing out over topics like- "Mom, what's a coup?" during morning carpool.

0:28Air quality alerts, and yes, you do have to wear deodorant. It's not an advice show. It's a you're not alone, and you're also not crazy for screaming in the shower kinda show. I'm Claire Zulkey from Evil Witches. And I'm Quinn Emmett from Important Not Important. You can find details on anything we talk about in the show notes, or at our website NotRightNow.show..show. Uh, and if you like what you hear today, please share it with a parent who needs it, or who might laugh and tell their kids to be quiet, and then drop us a nice little five-star review.

0:59And reminder, you can send questions or feedback to [email protected]. [upbeat music] I do think you should let yourself have a brownie for Father's Day. I should, but we're not there. Will I even make it to Father's Day? Unclear. We'll find out. Will they let me? It's like... Yeah. No. And don't forget, my children celebrated Father's Day four months late last year, so. Well, and don't forget, it's Teacher Appreciation Week- Oh, that's right... I think, and also Nurse Appreciation Week, so.

1:32Yeah, our school nurse I think does not work in the school, so I actually don't know who she is, so you know, I am just shoveling money into the furnace. Like, there's a teacher bonus fund, you can have that, so. You know what we could do instead, Claire? We could tax the rich. Yes. Well, it's time for that. [laughs] I literally am trying to figure out how to set up a VAT account in Europe so that I can claim the tax on the- Oh... uh, the, the newsletter people subscribe to, so I was doing that last night.

1:57It's a, like a horrible diversion. I'd rather be doing anything else, but yeah. Yeah, I've been doing domain work and re-forwarding for half the week, which is just pleasure. I recorded my first Social First video for the new thing we're doing, and I was immediately told that twice I failed because I h- I, I guess I hold the camera very low. Oh, yeah. And they're like, "You can't do that. That looks terrible." And I realized- Yeah... that's also why Dana told me I can't do the family selfies anymore, 'cause I do that Yeah.... jaw. That's funny.

2:28My friend's husband is, like, epically bad at taking p- pictures, and we never trust him, and we always get, like, a backup person to take pictures after he's taken pictures of us. So I'm really great at taking other people's pictures. [laughs] It's when it's me- And when-... I'm like, well, yeah. Yeah, Steve was the same. I, I had to do, like, a guest Instagram takeover, I think I told you, for our town, and, or for our neighborhood. And Steve, I said, "Take a picture of you at your favorite, you know, the local brewery, like the tap room," and every picture is- Mm-hmm... just like that. And you know, I'm like, "You can't get a sign?"

2:57Like, I, I'm not w- asking for much, but you could get, like, a smile, or like a sign- No... or you know, something, a light in your eyes, but no. Mm-hmm. Not dead eyes. Anyways, well, welcome to everybody who's here for a little cathartic commiseration to make... What do the people call it? May, May-cember to, to May? Maycember. Yeah, Maycember, for sure. It's ruthless. I wish I could show you, I thought about showing you, but I don't wanna brag, the calendar, the eighth grade calendar that we were sent with every single notation of what you need to know about that day.

3:29But it's not even fun, 'cause a lot of it is just school logistics stuff. It's not... Uh, some of it is theme stuff, some of it is don't forget to bring, you know, some of it is field trip and stuff like that. But I, like I s- I think I've mentioned this before. I hired someone to help me with this kind of stuff, and th- I have never, I haven't been so happy to have someone to help me. I've actually been, like, was joking, I think I wanna get another assistant to send my assistant the stuff that I have going on. Hmm. Anyway, yeah, it's a lot.

3:54As I said in my newsletter this week, uh, our school believes in celebrating eighth grade a lot in general, and then especially in May, so. We can't celebrate everything. It's like, it's eighth grade. Well, that's the problem with going to a K through eight school, is that some of these parents have been here for a really long time, and you know- Right... they have memories of these kids being little together. You know, I don't know. Paul's salty because we're gonna have a graduation party for him, you know, things like that. Don't feel very sorry for him at all. Yeah, I was asked- I seem frozen...

4:23if I was doing a fifth grade party, graduation party. Uh, that's my reaction to most things these days. My kid's like, "Can you give me the milk?" Can you just- And I'm like... Yeah. No, absolutely not. Fifth grade is not... See, that's, yeah, see, I think there's a cultural difference between do you get a ceremony for fifth grade or eighth grade, and the answer is neither. I feel like graduations are... I don't, have you enjoyed big graduation parties? No. No one enjoys them. When we run this episode, it's gonna be post Mother's Day, so people will be either collecting their fond memories or writing down their grudges.

4:56So what are you gonna do that celebrates every single mother in your life equally? Yeah. As described, grandmas wanna do lunch somewhere. They called a place, no reservations. Not surprising. Right. So we're going to some other place for lunch, I guess, but we gotta make it to, my oldest has a, his brass band performance. They have a little thing here in downtown Williamsburg every mon- [laughs] every month. It's called Second Sundays. It's like a little street festival. Now his brass band's gonna play, so that's in the afternoon. Yes. So we're obligated to go to that. For sure. It's cutting in- That's crappy.

5:28I don't like that someone gave you guys something that you have to show up for on Mother's Day. Someone dropped the ball with that scheduling to me. Yeah. No, 100%. It's in the afternoon. It's usually when Dana's sleeping anyway, so maybe she'll just sleep right through it, which is great for her. She couldn't care what's happening during that time. Are you saying that not every mother for Mother's Day wants to celebrate hearing a children's brass band perform? I don't know why, on a street where I'm sure it'll be the first day it's 100 degrees. I don't know.

5:53I've been told, again, bagel sandwich, coffee, and to sleep, and I believe that she's gotten very into mahjong.Oh, yeah Yeah, very into it. Has her own set, embroidered or monogrammed, whatever. The whole thing. Has gone full into it, so I believe she wants a Mahjong time. It's unclear with who. Okay. Mahjong, to me, maybe this is wrong, and I apologize if this is somehow offensive to anyone, but what... It gives me pickleball vibes. Mm. It's like a thing where out of the blue, I feel like a certain demographic of people have taken it up full-throatedly, and you're like...

6:30And Mahjong is different than pickleball, where I'm like, okay, I've read The Joy Luck Club. I mean, I know what Mahjong is. But, you know, now you're like, oh, you'll read a magazine and be like, "Oh, it's Mahjong night with the girls. Here's the caftan to wear, and here's the wicker furniture to get, and here's the cocktail set to put out." Anyway, I'm sure it's fun. I have a friend who was telling me the other day that she is always invited to Mahjong at her friend's house, and she doesn't, she's working up the bravery to tell her that she hates Mahjong and doesn't wanna be invited anymore.

6:58[laughs] But, I mean, I think that's applicable to anything. Mm-hmm. What was the Resources game, Catan? Y- you know, we're constantly checking these boxes as a soci- It reminds me of Bridge. Like, my parents used to have Bridge parties, and it seems very grown-up and cocktails to me, and civilized. Uh- You know, it's funny... maybe I'm jealous. Maybe. No, the, I, there's maybe a little part of that. We can explore that, too. But yeah, I, it's interesting she hasn't gotten into the accoutrement, like all that other stuff, probably 'cause we don't drink as much anymore, and probably 'cause she's like, "If I can just sit at this game, I'll be happy."

7:26But she's definitely roped every person that's come to our door into it. And people seem to... I mean, look, once you get into it, honestly, the rules are not dissimilar from five card draw, but there's a whole, you know, there's all these things you do ahead of time, and she's got her own little s- s- sticks, s- chips. I don't f- Who fucking knows? Tiles? Sure, tiles. Great. Yep, tiles. Whatever makes her happy. I don't know. And the, she- Do the kids play?

7:49She's gotten them to play, and then eventually they're dickheads, and they ruin it, like everything else. That sounds about right. You sound great. It seems, "Hey, we should do this together," and then you're like, "Why? Now they've ruined this, too." Yeah. Do you guys have a shelf piled up with games that at one point in your life you're like, "This, we're gonna do this. We're gonna be a family that plays games every night-" 100%. "... and this will be the game that we play," and then, like, all of a sudden you're like, "I don't even remember buying Apples to Apples Jr."

8:12All of those are basically in storage for us, so it's gonna, those are gonna be one of the really interesting ones to pull out and go, "We've never done this. We've never played this game." Mm-hmm. One time. Yeah. I'm sure there's a couple sets of Bananagrams in there. Yeah. There's a lot of, like, storytelling games, and Steve will always be like, "We should have Mom play," meaning me. Uh, I'm curious whether you and Dana call each other Mom and Dad in front of each other, in front of the kids, by the way.

8:34But Steve will be like, "We should get Mom to play this game," about some game he's found at the boys'. I'm like, "I hope you don't. I, please don't get me into that [laughs] whatever you're- Yeah... it is you're playing." Right, please, I don't want anybo- Yeah, please don't involve me. I think maybe in the third person we will. I'll be like, "Go ask Mom," or, "What did Mom tell you you could do?" Right. Yeah, I don't think to her f- face. I don't know. I'll do whatever is egregious and makes the kids uncomfortable. Ah, interesting. Okay. [laughs] It was...

8:58That makes me think, last time I was trolling Paul, just honestly to troll him, 'cause, uh, w- just what else are you gonna do? I asked him to tell me, I said, "If you..." This is a just stupid question. This is still me doing dishes. What the hell I was... I said, "If you could kiss any girl in your class for free and nobody would ever know about it and nobody could tell anyone, who would it be?" And he's like, "Mom." He's like, "I can't believe you even asked me that question. I wouldn't even answer it in a million..." And I knew he was gonna say...

9:26I, yeah, I knew that he would never tell me the answer, and the joke was the question, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, 100%. So I know there's no answer. [laughs] Yeah, but you got your joy out of seeing how the reaction went. I guess so. Yeah. I, it is... Yeah. It's also funny, 'cause he was talking about how he doesn't wanna get married, because you have to, when you marry a girl, you have to talk to the dad, and the dad will threaten to beat you up for not being good enough for the girl.

9:48And this is based on one social media. I think one TikTok he saw. So we're like, "You know, marriage does look different, and you may, you can talk to the dad before you, right before you get married, too. You can get to know these folks." But anyway, yeah, we're having a lot of fun with a 13-year-old boy. What are the two reasons why Paul said his teacher cried yesterday? Oh, yeah. First, he, again, I don't necessarily trust anything he ever says, so some of this may be true. But he said that the teacher cried because they were the best class she's taught in 20 years, allegedly.

10:20So, and I don't want to upset anyone, again, who's listening, who had a kid in the... The year before Paul, but the year before, had a really bad, had the eighth grade had a really bad rep. I'm always interested in what, when teachers are like, "This is a good grade. This is a bad grade." And so for some reason the last year, you know, bad kids. This year, angels. But also the teacher cried, unclear when in the, the timeline, someone went into her fridge and shook up all of her cans of sparkling water.

10:50[laughs] These type of things where I'm like, "The fuck is wrong with you people?" During Teacher Appreciation Week. Right. During Tea- Yeah... when she was like, "This is my best class ever. Let me go get a drink to celebrate." Well, he says that was the seventh graders, so I'm- Fucking assholes. [laughs] I know. I don't know why I'm laughing. It's not funny. But it was, I miss the way the story came out, where you're like, we'll never know where, like, how much- No... the tears were true and- Yeah... the reasons for the tears and, you know.

11:18W- but I still like the story no matter what. I got one the other day. Henry was like fourth grade, and he's like, "Well, you know, my buddy and I, you know, we were chatting a little bit, and it turns out we think we chat too much. So we just decided we're actually not gonna do this project together and split off, and we do it with different people." I was like, "You decided that you chat too much and that you have to do the..." He goes, and he goes, "Actually, yeah." He's like, "We did, because it turns out teachers actually cannot tell you that you have to split up and do a te- project with a different partner."

11:48[laughs] He's like, "They're n- they're not allow- lo- not allowed to do that." And I was like, "Yeah, this is going exactly what I expected this." Right. Wow. That sounds like... That's big of them, though. Good for them. Yeah. I mean, so self-aware. This is up there with, you know, one of your very first stories on the show was wh- which of the boys you were getting in your car said, "Did the principal call you today?"Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Did you hear?

12:11Yeah, that exactly. Yeah, it's been amazing how much we... the, our desire for information has dwindled as our kids have gotten older. Mm-hmm. Like, our so- James went on a sleepover. Our k- our school has a con- there's a camp, like a sleepaway camp that schools go to in our town for one night. So, and he went, and you could tell that for some kids who was, who were an only child, their parents were kind of a little concerned about it or more...

12:34One mom asked, "Should we buy our son new hiking boots for the d- for the trip?" Which is one night. And we're like, "No. If anything, send him in his crappiest shoes." Correct. Send him in piece of shit shoes that he can ruin. We... It didn't occur to us to ask him about his time until last night. We were like finally, "Hey, did anyone cry?" I always go for the bad questions first just 'cause it's more juicy. Who cried? Who was homesick? Who got in trouble? Things like that. How was the food? So, but yeah, we...

13:00I think in years past we would've been all over it and comparing notes, and how was it, and now we, you know, just, just grain of sand [laughs] in the ocean of intel that we get all the time. It is. We have been willed. And, and it's not just like, you know, the things where you're like, "Ugh, I don't wanna know." I'm truly like, I don't wanna have the... I don't wanna o- own this information. I don't want it to be part of me. I don't want it to be something I can't un-hear, and also it's probably a terrible story. It's probably a terrible... "Yo, we came up with this thing." I don't... Nope. It's not good. Yeah.

13:33Well, especially 'cause the kids, I don't know about your older kids, but they like to polish a story so that it's no longer parent-friendly, that it's more kid-friendly. So, like, when Paul first went away to his camp, he said it was great. And then years later, he likes to like brag about how bad they were and how upset- Oh, yeah... the, you know, male teacher was in the cabin and things like that. And I'm like, wow, really impressed. You are fucking cool. And no, I know. It's- Mm. Yeah. Ugh, God, they're just ridiculous. Yeah, all...

14:04He's like, "Oh, we got fresh meat coming into sixth grade next year." I'm like, "Shut up. Shut up." [laughs] That's so funny. God. One of the best things about my kids' school that I really like, and I do think is nice about the K through 8 sort of system, is that the older kids each have a little kid that they're sort of in charge of. Mm. Like once a week at least at mass. That's great. Yeah, it is great, 'cause Paul go- Paul has some badass kid who I guess is a lot like James.

14:29And so on the one hand he is chagrined over, like, how much work this kid is, but also I think he can handle it, you know? Like- Yeah... and also I'm like, "I hope you appreciate what it's like to be in charge of a kid." Yeah. Good luck. It's not easy. This is no, you know, bag of flour or whatever. Yeah. No, it's not. So, yeah. One pump and you end up, you gotta take care of a kid in mass. There you go. Mm-hmm. What's on the grandparents' birthday wish list? Oh. Well, first of all, can I tell a story about grand- about Mother's Day? All right.

14:57So we, I decided I want to go to the White Sox game for Mother's Day this year, 'cause they let, they make it a little nice, you know. And there's gonna be a parade on the field, which I think'll be fun. I wanna see the new Japanese player. What's his name? Oh my God. You know who I'm talking about. He's like gonna be- He's killing it... rookie of the year probably. Yeah. Murakami. Yeah. So I asked Steve, I was like, "Get me tickets." Yeah. That's what I want for Mother's Day this year.

15:18And my, we had agreed that we would meet at my parents' house to honor my mom, who is not able to get around very much anymore, and she kinda likes to stay home. And then my dad said, "So we're not invited to the White Sox game?" 'Cause in the past I've gotten them tickets and we've met up. And I said, "No, 'cause I just don't think she can handle it." Just walking from the car, you know how the ca- the walk from the car- Into a stadium? Yeah... to the stadium, any stadium, is a half an hour. With 50,000 people. Yeah. And so I was like, she can't, she's not up for it.

15:45And also I almost wanna apologize for being a dick, and I'm also not apologetic, but she would have to go to the... I would have to accompany her to the bathroom every time she went to the bathroom. Why do I li- have two boys if I can't not accompany people to the bathroom? So anyway, my dad told me that made him sad that I made the decis- decision not to include them on the, in the game plans. And that made me really mad, because I just was like, are you giving me a hint of a guilt trip right now? 'Cause I reject it. Reject it. I reject it. I reject it. I can't. I can't. Yeah.

16:16So I mean, right here I have a se- this is a set of Polo socks, 'cause the last time I took my mom for a pedicure I noticed that she had holes in her socks. And so I was like, that's the sign of someone who hates their mom and doesn't care about her. Anyway, all that is to say it's also James' birthday six days after Mother's Day, and my parents want a wish list for James. So I have to like, I'm like, I'm doing middle management where I make James write out his list, but then I have to get J- Steve to make it into a, something that's clickable for my parents so that they can just order things and not have to ask what size, what Star Wars, you know, what players, whatever.

16:53So anyway, there's just this little bit... I don't know if you deal with that with your kids and your, the grandparents in your life, if you have to like... What is the word for this? Transmitting, transponding. Yeah. No. Mine are like relatively tech forward, so they're just gonna- Mm... type it into Amazon and buy whatever the fuck my kids ask for. Yeah. Which is exhausting. Grandma actually calls herself Grandmazon. [laughs] Which is just- Great. Wow... it's great, but- I can't believe I've made it this long and never heard of that before. That's- Yeah... that's the title of the episode.

17:24What does that list look like with, unfiltered? First of all, he's always asking for things throughout the year, let it be known. Like even the day after Christmas he's looking forward to his birthday. And, and then of course, like, when you ask him for what he wants, he can't think of anything. So top of mind, there's always Legos, so the trick is what kind and also where is it gonna go, but that's for Steve to figure out. Sports cards, same thing.

17:48We have, like, garbage everywhere of sports cards that, you know, like, do your kids do sports cards? Do they- Henry just got into them last Christmas, and he is shockingly, uh, obsessed with them. Sure. Like, and on the one hand, it's just a, that deal where on the one hand you're like well, here's more garbage, but also it's not screens. It's not Geometry Dash, so- Oh my God. Yeah... what have you. I was talking to someone about Geometry. Oh, I was talking about a mom I haven't seen for years, and I was like, "Do your kids do Geometry Dash?" She's like, "Fucking Geometry Dash."

18:18Fucking Geo- So I was just nice- There's so many trigger words in this episode alreadyYeah, I know. By the way, for those listening, Geometry Dash is a game that kids play on the computer that is like if Tetris was on the ground and moving. That's basically how I explain it, and there's nothing else you do except press, hit the space bar and jump over things, right? Is there anything else to it? I don't- Have you played it? Not that I've seen. Not that, yeah. I've played it. No, I have, but my point is I don't think- Okay... it gets more complicated or nuanced than that. No, and the kids talk about it. They somehow have a dis- There's... It doesn't matter.

18:51It's not my dis- it's not for me to know, but that's what Geometry Dash is. Anyway, James wants Roblox gift card and a bobblehead for some baseball player that probably doesn't have a bobblehead yet, and that's what I know. And some sports thing for a sport he doesn't play, but it doesn't matter. It's just what it is. On evil witches today, I'm interested to see how this conversation was going. I did a... We returned to the topic of birthday parties, and someone said that- Mm...

19:17one of her witchiest moves, [laughs] instead of goodie bags, she just had all of her kids' unused stuffed animals and toys by the front door, and people would just grab them on the way out. Oh my God, that- And so one of the witches- Fucking genius. I know. Well, one of the witches was like, "I would never let my kid go to a party at that kid's house again if they came home with old shit from their house." And I'm like, maybe that's the idea, is that eventually no one- Yeah... will come to your party because- Speaking of old shit, hold on. Can we go back to the fact that wh- which of your boys got garage sale slippers?

19:47Oh, God. Paul. Oh, that was awful. Claire- So- I cannot stop thinking about how fucking awful that- I should send you pictures. They are the size of throw pillows, each one of them, and they're like, you know, like anyone can imagine, right? They're sl- they're like kids'- Ugh... slippers that look like- Oh... tiger claws or bear claws. Paul wore them home and immediately... Oh, so at the kids' rummage sale at school, part of the deal is that all the kids get to shop from the rummage sale, which I think is eating where you shit, honestly.

20:14I don't understand why they let them do that. So Paul really wanted these slippers, and of course, every- if you had slippers like that at some point in your life, right? Big, fluffy, like- Oh, yeah... stuffed animal slippers. Look like Daphne. I got them when the kids- Yeah... were little 'cause they would get tickled by them, but I didn't get them from a stranger at a garage sale. No, and you know what they do to your feet? Make them really sweaty. How do I... I know that- Oh... from experience- Oh...

20:36but also from Paul sitting next to me and periodically taking off these slippers to air out his sweaty feet. I realized he was... You know, people, the kids play basketball in the gara- in the driveway over here. I saw he was wearing them outside to play basketball. So these slippers became outdoor shoes. So they have to live by the back door now, and they take up so much space. I need to put them in limbo. I need to stick them in one of the closets I put things where something's on the road to getting thrown away, but I want them out of my sight, and I don't wanna go directly to throwing away, but that's my system.

21:08So they're, they're mentally on that path. He hasn't worn them for a week or two, which means they're in danger. Does he know they're on that path? No. Why would I tell him that? Well, I just... Maybe he's picking up on things. No. They're not picking up on anything- No... are they? Why would I tell him... No, I mean, no. I'm just gonna secretly s- put it away, disappear it, and see if he notices, and then we'll see what, what happens. Do you guys do shoes off inside? For the kids, yes.

21:33For me, not so much, which I know is disgusting, but I don't care. I have... Yeah, whatever. I don't... I mean, I have a pair of indoor/outdoor Birkenstocks that I guess in my mind, like transcend indoor/outdoor 'cause- Sure... they, they just, 'cause they're mine. But no. Like the kids have to take their shoes off inside. Okay. I know I'm a horrible, disgusting person for sometimes wearing the same pair of Birkenstocks indoors and outdoors, but again, it's me. Nobody else is allowed to. Yeah. So how about you guys? No, perfectly fresh.

22:01Well, again, we're in our fourth house in six years, so we're trying to figure out one day what our policy will be. I would like that to be the case. We're making the kids come in through the garage in this place, and we're saying, "You gotta take your fucking shoes off," 'cause so through the garage, next stop is laundry room, and that's where we put their little- Mm-hmm... Target shoe rack, and I'm like, "You gotta take all your shit off." Most of the time they don't. They're fucking gross.

22:22But people have proposed, I guess, that you can do, they have a designated pair of inside shoes that live right there, like a pair of slippers or something. Right. That's very European. Yeah. Are they gonna do it? That's what mine were. That's what these were, but then you walk the dog and I'm like, "Am I gonna switch from Birkenstock to Birkenstock?" And again, I'm just... I think I am exempt because I don't walk through mud on purpose. You know what I mean? I don't... I think I'm a... I try to avoid disgusting things. So and then Steve's feet are just too big to be walked around in shoes.

22:54You know, like we need, there needs to be some level of control around here, so. So this takes me to what I wanted to talk about, 'cause we're working on this a lot, is like purposefully becoming the hangout house, basically. Oh, yeah. Yes. And like how do you make it feel organically that way if you are choosing to? Mm-hmm. What are the things that work? What are the incentives? But also, like what are the hard and fast rules that you gotta communicate straight up that you're not gonna switch on? Mm-hmm.

23:23And I thought about this because, again, we're in this house for a year or so, and it's got like... There was like a room upstairs. We just said, "Hey, guys. This is the quote-unquote teen room," even though one of them is like barely- Mm-hmm... a teen, or the clubhouse or whatever. TV, couch, whatever. Sure. And I was like, I think I've told you this before. I said, "Here's the deal with your friends when they come over. If they're gonna hang out, phone's gotta go in the box, but I will pay them."

23:49So five bucks for them to just put their phone in the box for however long they're at the house. Ready for it? We're not there yet. I know. Your face is making all the different reactions. Mm. And overnight, are you ready? And I've sold two ki- I'm two for two, 20 bucks. Start to finish. That's so- Put your phone in the box, 'cause here's the thing. It's a rule. Th- it's not do you want $20. It's you're putting your fucking phone in the box either way, and I'm offering you 20 bucks to do it, basically. And I'm two for two. The kids are like, "It's a little weird."

24:17But it's gotta be start to finish, no interruptions.Okay That's my rule The, and the parents know about this? 'Cause I feel like some parents would be like- I don't give a shit... "Why can't I reach my kid?" Call me. I don't give a shit. I don't have a screen rule. I guess I think when you're in the basement, 'cause we get... But that was part of the appeal of this house is that it has a finished basement, and I did know. I had a boyfriend in college who, whose mom had three boys, and their house was like, like the hangout house, and she s- and she made it as such with the video games.

24:44Like, they had a little wet bar down there, so tons of snacks, drinks, like, recliner chairs. It was, like I saw the appeal of that as a parent. Not, I don't want them to think I'm cool. You're not, I don't wanna be the house where kids can drink. I don't... I would love to talk to people whose parents were like that someday and find out what that was like. But to just, you know, be comfortable and to have a place to be kids that's out of the way of me, so, you know. And for us, that's snacks, like snack bags, and I'm sorry to the planet.

25:11But the one dumb thing is that we have a little teeny-tiny ch- garbage can that was, like, meant for a powder room, and there's so many times I've seen, you know, like a Cheez-Its bag next to the garbage can 'cause the kid didn't try hard enough to smoosh it down in there. So literal downside of having a k- hangout house is vermin, and we've had, we've learned the hard way that, like, you have to really lock up the snacks, actually, 'cause I don't like mice.

25:35Hot take, but don't care for it. So that is, is an issue. And we don't do big sleepovers, also is the other hangout thing. I've heard enough horror stories from people who had more than two or three max boys at a time, and it's like they always got into some shit. And so, so that way you can kinda be like, "All right, guys, time to be quiet. Go to bed," to a smaller crew than to a larger crew. Yeah. I'm trying to constantly think of as, okay, but then they're gonna go do it somewhere else, and they're gonna do dumber shit in a less, I don't wanna say, like, safe environment. But like- Eh... so again, we've talked about, you know, yeah, I'm taking their phones. Here's the deal. Put it in the box. You get 20 bucks. You're fucking welcome. Like, cash.

26:15Yeah. But also, like you said, like, I'm filling the place now with the video games and stuff. Here you go. You- like you said, you got the snacks, the drinks, whatever. So those are kinda my hard and fast things. Please take your sh- like, clean your shit up. You guys eat whatever the fuck you want. I don't care. Here's the deal. Come down for snacks. When I say it's, like, time to turn it all off and shut the fuck up, you gotta do that. But otherwise, like- Right... I'm, again, it's not about me being cool.

26:37It's about me trying to set an environment where they want to be because they are gonna eventually fucking do the drinking and stuff, Claire, and what do you do when they wanna do that, when they're, like, 16, 17, and they wanna do that? You say, "Come home with mommy and daddy and hang out in our nice house 'cause we got some good snacks and video games, so why would you ever do that?" I don't even know how you can prepare a kid to not or do not do that kinda stuff 'cause wouldn't you... I don't know.

27:03This is how I feel about this, the sugar thing, and I know sugar and alcohol is not the same thing, but the kids go ride their bikes to the gas station. They buy all this shitty candy, and I have all this trash and all this candy and all this sugar, but they are practicing being independent, and everyone's always telling us how not independent our kids are, and they're engaging with strangers, and traffic safety, which freaks me out, but you're gonna have to do that sometime.

27:26And so, I, I sound like I probably feel like I am more liberal than I am. I haven't gotten to the drink... I don't know. It, the drinking thing, I guess I'm not as worried about it yet. Maybe I should be, but I don't know. It's gonna be... Paul, it's, another kind of parallel is that Paul now says he's the only kid who doesn't have a phone, and I'm like, "Good. Aren't you enjoying being so different and unique and cool?" And, and I feel like you could say that about drinking, too, kinda sarcastically, but don't you wanna be the only kid who doesn't drink so that you can be different and, you know?

27:53But- And by the way, it's entirely po- again, th- we are, it is not the fucking, you know, late '80s, mid-'90s anymore where it was the default, you know, like drinking in the woods or drinking or, you know, driving around trucks. Again, they have other shit to do. I'm just trying to prepare for a world where I'm assuming it, it is inevitable. I'm not going to push it, but I'm gonna go, "I do not want you to drink and drive on some fucking random dark road." So, like- Yeah... how do I...

28:20And again, that's where I would communicate to the other parents, "Hey, man, the kids are here. I'm not gonna let 'em, you know, do whatever." But again, I'm trying to build that trust now. Not 'cause, again, they wanna- Yeah... hang out with me or I wanna hang out with them. They're gross. But I'm trying to build a little trust. Yeah. I don't, it, it's interesting. I guess we're gonna have to see how that all goes 'cause Paul next year is gonna be going to a whole new universe of school. And you know, the school, I think it might have its own ZIP code even.

28:46I might be wrong, but- What? Yeah, it's gigant- I told you, 3,000 kids if not more. And yeah, he's gonna be- Holy shit... I don't know. It's gonna, it's gonna be so different, could get so much less com- well, maybe he'll get as much communication. I don't know. But yeah, we haven't gotten there yet in terms of I hear people say, parents tell their kids, "You can text me the letter X if you're out somewhere in trouble and, you know, need me to come get you, no questions asked," or things like that.

29:09And but I, you know, I would... Steve was, like, more of a party kid. I feel like he could say more, I could say more about how to be good, and he could say more about how to be bad, and then we can split the difference, you know. I, uh- It's just like even between good, like again, I have said I was too busy to be bad most of the time, which is just making dumb mistakes. Either that or you go to college- Yeah... and you haven't made mistakes, and then you get your fucking stomach pumped. But again, I'm trying to go, their friends are gonna wanna do this, and their friends are good friends. It's good.

29:33And maybe it is years off, but it's also happening so fucking fast, you know? Yeah. Have you... What was like when you were a kid? Did your parents have the hangout house? We, we were a version of the hangout house, and again, I don't wanna say my dad encouraged drinking, but he didn't prohibit it. Hmm. Certainly we had the basement. Uh, and I don't know. It was just, I think we also had always had a lot of really good food. Not even snacks. We had good food, and m- most of our friends was, like, athletic and swimmers and this. People are just always hungry.

30:07And so I think knowing that- Yeah... there was, like, a l- extremely liberal food policy, which is eat everything you want whenever you want. In fact, my parents would always get more. Yeah. Also, I'm just now remembering from when I was in seventh grade on, my dad owned a Papa John's franchise, and so there was constant pizza, just constant pi- which kids loved... crazy. How did I, that's a crazy... Is it, does he still own one? No. It's been like decades. But for a period, he had it, and you know, so there was just pizza on call, which again, kids- Cheap pizza. Yeah... cheap fucking pizza. Nobody cared, you know?

30:41So- That's amazing. Claire, that's, you, that's insane. And I can't believe you mentioned. That's like saying we lived, my mom worked for Hasbro and we practiced, you know, test ride- driving toys. That's insane that you had a pizza connection like that. It was just, but it was useful at the time, you know? And so I think- Yeah. Which I mean- It was good. Yeah... it's like having Gatorade flowing through your taps. Right. And so now I'm like, I'm not gonna buy a pizza franchise, but again, what are the conscious decisions I can make to try to set up the environment a little bit, you know? Yeah.

31:12Yeah, no, I mean, that's a good question. I don't know. It depends. Where I grew up was a street where there were not a lot of kids, so I would have friends over piecemeal or to do some kind of studying, like- More formalized... but I did not... Yeah. And I actually had a friend who complained to me about how we were a bad food house. She, 'cause my parents- Mm... were, like, pretty, I don't know if it was their own bullshit or if they were trying to keep me from being overweight, but we had, we're not a snack house, not a fun snack house, you know.

31:40There was, you could have dinner, a good dinner, but if you wanted to just riffle around and have a little of this, a little of that, no way. So, so that was probably a downer. And- Mm... you know, my parents weren't, like, my mom was always around, so I think you probably need a little bit benign neglect to have a hangout house. So- Oh, yeah... yeah, so it was nice, you know, and we had a dog and we had a piano and a Nintendo, but it wasn't like we could all... Now, when I was a kid, or I was in high school, I was really jealous about not going to more...

32:07Like, I went to some after some rehearsal, what is it called? Any other play, there's a party, the after party. Is that what, a cast party. Like, I would go to cast parties for shows and things like that, but never the big house parties that you see in the movies, and I always had a chip on my shoulder about that because it seemed so endemic to any- Well, you were, you were literally growing up in John Hughes land, not going to house parties. Yeah. And I knew these parties existed, and it wasn't like I was like, "Let's not invite Claire." I just wasn't in a, like, that circle of people. Yeah. And so I was really mad about that.

32:38I had a chip on my shoulder, and I was like, "I hate this shit. I hate this town." Now, cut to I live here now, and you know, sentimentally the same high school. But later on in life, it was kind of interesting. We, I got to know some of these former high school girls who did go to these parties, and r- this is getting maybe way too deep, but when Brett Kavanaugh was, uh- Oh, here we go... getting- Yeah... rolled out, I think a lot of us kinda started digging deep into our pasts and sort of reexamining old memories of things that when we were younger we thought was, like, fine and cool and funny, and then in retrospect, you're like, "That's not any of those things."

33:10Brett Kavanaugh. Yeah. And so I remember talking to a friend who was like, "I got, you know, finger banged, like roughly in the dark and never spoke- spoken to again at one of those parties." And I heard a lot of stories like that where, you know, and that doesn't make me happy and not, like, good. And like, that's what you get, but you're like, you never consider when you're young, like, how the fun that you're missing might actually not be- Yeah. Dana always tells this story.

33:33It's not about sexual assault specifically, but she tells a story about throwing a house party the one time her parents were gone, and getting in so much, like she was the good girl, and getting in so much trouble. And I guess she- Mm-hmm... lied a little bit about it or something and making herself feel worse. Mm-hmm. And she was just like, "This is not the fun that was advertised to me. This sounds-" Yeah... "fucking terrible." And so I don't wanna be- Yeah... like a house party place. I'd rather be the getaway. You guys wanna play video games all night? Three, you know, three to five kids, whatever.

34:01You wanna be the, you wanna end up adopting a fourth kid who's, you know, parents don't want them, and they, you're gonna be the foster for that, and that'll be- Yeah... yeah. I mean, our, we have, we are really lucky where we live, and I think that is a big part of it, that we have this basketball hoop. We have a couple boys in the neighborhood who all like each other. They come and they go, and the parents text each other just when it's like, "Hey, is so-and-so over there?" "Yes, he is."

34:23Or I'll be like, "Hey, I gotta kick so-and-so out at 6:00 PM 'cause we have dinner," you know, whatever. Yeah. And it's, like, pretty hands-off, but also at the same time, one of them was over, some of them were over, and I kicked them out 'cause I had to put James to bed. And I was like, "It's shitty if James has to stay, go to bed while you guys are all fucking hanging out here." You know, and they all trundled home, you know? No, I think that's tr- I mean, that's what a lot of people don't have.

34:46They don't live near kids or people that they can trust or whatever, like even have neighbors that they can text about that shit without being like, "Oh, I don't wanna talk to fucking Janet. If I text Janet about one thing, it's gonna become a whole other thing," you know? I think that's great. And like- No, I think it's great, too... yeah, I, I'm just like, again, probably doing my thing where I overthink it, but I'm like, "Ha, if I don't intervene and become like this, then what is gonna become the place?" You know?

35:12And I feel like not only will they do dumb shit somewhere else, acknowledging they'll do dumb shit, but I'm also like, "I will never see them." And I'm fine to just be like, my version of seeing you is I woke up five hours before you guys and made 52 pancakes, and now I'm in my room- Yeah... reading my fucking book. But I can hear the chatter. I'm happy with that. Yeah. I remember once when Paul was, like, a baby, I had this boss who I didn't really... He was f- he was perfectly benign presence, maybe even nice.

35:37And he told me once, there's no feeling like having all the kids asleep, like everyone asleep and the door locked for the night in the house. No, there's no, you know. And it was weird to get that piece of feedback when your kid is so young, but it's kind of one of those things that pops into my mind that, no, I, and I would never be like, "Treasure this." I kind of sometimes be like, "Oh, there's, you know, like a finite amount of years where we're gonna count on that." But again, don't take me wrong that I'm gonna be like, "Ooh, I wish," you know.

36:03I still want every bedtime to be done immediately. I have the thing now with a 13-year-old where sometimes he doesn't wanna talk at all and is monosyllabic, and then other times he'll pop up and he'll start, you know, having his- Yeah... his things to say. Yeah. So- We were talking about this the other night. One night it's, "I don't care if you live or die," and the other night it's like, "Hey, talk to me. Hang out." And you're like, "Which is it, motherfucker?" Yeah. Yeah.

36:23And it's hard because I was just ta- I was talking with some friends about this. Speaking of high school, I remember being a teenager so clearly, and I remember how I felt about my parents and stuff. Setting that aside, I respect the teenage process, but I really hate being d- like, treated like shit, and I can't. I've always historically had a hard time making, carvingThat out and being like, "I don't deserve... The me, the former teenager, doesn't deserve to be treated like this," but also I guess me, the mother, signed up for this, so you better fucking- I guess so... take it, you know?

36:54But there's gotta be a little gray area, right? Like we, you know, I, again, the puppies and rainbows thing, I'm like, that's fine, but you don't get to be like proactively a fucking dickhead. I know. But then don't you feel like so proactively a fucking dickhead would be... I could be like all... The extreme of that is Paul being like, "You're a fucking bitch" to me, which he has never done, you know? But then also it could be like a kid being not apologetic at all when he has lost the hoodies that you paid for him, you know, at the start of the year. And, you know, there's a wide range, but- Sure...

37:26so you're like, "I can't go off for them all the same," but I can, I am allowed to be mad, like annoyed by various things like this, but- I think you have. I think it's the only... 'Cause here's the thing, they're gonna leave the kitchen in the morning or night. They have to go now take this mood into the day, and someone else is gonna be like, "Hey, you, to be clear, you don't get to- Hey... not be an ap-" And m- again, maybe they're faking it at all day or whatever, and yes, they're gonna take some out on you, and it's, again, the rite of passage which you sign up for. But I, I feel like there's a lot.

37:52Do your kids say goodbye to you meaningfully and "I love you" every single day, every single one of them? Yes and no. One, half the time I chase them out the door and make them fucking say it, and the rest of the time, no, they couldn't get, they could not get out of there faster. If I duck into the closet, they're like, "This is our moment. Go." That feels fair. I just... I'm just like, I'm like, "I, I hate you, and I"... Not like I hate you, but I'm like, they are... One time...

38:14Sometimes they'll be extra. It'll be like a lot of extra bullshit and everyone's testy- Mm-hmm... and then like I'm just gonna go take a long pee with my phone, like on another floor. And then they're gone. Or else, you know, you're just like doing shit and you, like they go out the door before you say goodbye. So I, it's just funny 'cause like a, a lot of parents' kids will be starting school next year and there's... I was thinking about that book, the... Did you ever read the book The Kissing Hand, where it's like a book f- to like make kids feel not so scared about like- Oh, yeah... going to school for the first time? Oh, God.

38:41And now I'm like, yeah, throwing the shoes. I mean, actually right now currently, we haven't thrown any shoes out the front door in a long time. I did do two huge passive-aggressive piles the other day- Mm, tell me... and Paul was like, "Are you okay?" Well, Paul has outgrown his tiny COVID desk and now has inherited like a big person, I told you Steve went to Wayfair desk, like a real desk with a real chair. So the baby desk was lingering in the front hall for six days, which as immediately started piling up shit. I think it like almost immed- The surface...

39:11like instantaneously started grow- Which- And so the cleaning folks were coming on Tuesday, and I just got just so sick of the just like the fine sheen of everyone's shit everywhere. So I just gathered up everything and piled it on that tiny table, which was really great, 'cause like once I did that, the rest of the house was perfectly clean. Then I got sick of everyone not putting away their laundry, so instead of normally like s- giving them each their clean laundry, I just piled it all in a gigantic pile, like outside their bedrooms.

39:40And so Paul was like, "Are you, is it, are you okay?" Or he's like, "What is this?" And I was like, "That's your guys' clean clothes. I thought you guys could pick it out instead of me." So anyway, yeah, I don't normally do like a big passive-aggressive like statue of, of filth, but when I do- Bodies. Yeah... I'm pretty glad I did. Yeah. Work- worked out well. No, 100%. I'm a big fan of just, like you say, collecting every... If I've asked people to put things away in certain places, the, you know, the Crocs or the Birkenstocks are under the table and now there's this and that and this Lego thing, fucking, I'm gonna just collect it all.

40:10I'm gonna put it on a surface, and I'm just like, "You guys, come over here and claim all your shit." And if all three kids, I tell them all the time, I'm like, "If you each go through this pile and there are things left that none of you are gonna claim, I'm taking that as it's out. It's fucking out." So- Yeah. That's for the goodie bags. Yeah. It's the Care Bears on the way out the door. That's- Yeah... such a fucking great idea. Goddammit, that's such a great- Yeah. Yeah. It is a great idea. James' party is coming up.

40:38It's gonna be f- it'll be fine. It's just... It's set it and forget it, which is pretty nice, but- Yeah. How many kids- I gotta-... we talking about for this? God, that's a great question. I think it's gonna be 20, a little over 20. Yeah, all drop off. They all swim, but because it's all boys, they all get themselves dressed. Not because it's all boys, I just mean I don't have to be in the locker room, more importantly. I don't care if they get themselves dressed. Mm. Someone else, Steve, can do it. And yeah, we're just gonna get some...

41:01J- James was mad 'cause I wanna get drinks that are not plastic, and that's really hard to do. And so he wanted root beer for e- no, he wanted Dr Pepper for everyone. I was like, "We're not doing that. First of all, that's insane. Second, you can get Honest Kids juice boxes and be mad. Die mad, bitch." Um, but I did not do no gifts this year, which I, um- Wow... 'cause I just kind of felt... Yeah, I'm a softie. Well, his, Paul's getting the center of attention for, first for confirmation and graduation, and then my mom is, you know, sort of side-li- she, my mom used to be like the world's best gift giver, and she still really wants to give gifts, but she doesn't have what, she doesn't have what she used to have.

41:39So I don't know. I figured whatever. What the hell? And two, I can't be a hard ass about every single thing. It's too, yeah, that's too late. I can't roll out no gifts now. But anyway, yeah, we'll see how it goes. It'll be fine. He was mad 'cause it's on his actual birthday, and he wanted to like stretch it out as much as he could, and I was like, "Absolutely not. We're doing this within two days and that's it." It's one thing to be like, "Hey, this is the only day we can do it," and it's like within, whatever, a week on your birthday, and you're like, "Oh, I guess we're stretching it out."

42:06It's another one for them to be mad that the birthday is available and that's when you're doing it, and them to be like- Yeah... "No, I wanted more time." It's like, "No, motherfucker, this is the... It says it on the calendar. It's your birthday. That's when we're doing it." [laughs] Yeah, and also your whole life is your birthday. Ah. Do you guys have... And this kinda ties back to the Mother's Day thing, 'cause something that doesn't get addressed about Mother's Day enough is like how much moms have to make plans around the other mothers, like the grandmas, and obviously- Oh, yeah...

42:31we would love, yeah, love grandmas obviously. Like, but, you know, and birthdays are the same thing where it's like we have the birthday, we have the home birthday, we have the kid party, and then also there's the grandparent and uncle birthday. Do you do that for your kids? Does each one have a family party so it's actually a-Three pronged approach I, again, we're lucky with the in the neighborhood stuff. I'm trying to- Yeah... consolidate into two prongs as much as I possibly can. I'm like, you get a family fucking dinner, and whoever can make it is, that is what you get. And then I guess if they're gonna do a friend thing, you know.

43:08Oliver's so annoying. He comes up with the most pre-planned logistic- I'm like, "We're not doing any of that. You can keep coming up with this." That's so funny. "And I'm so glad you and your friends have thought that this would be like the ideal make or break thing for your year, but here's some quarters for the machines." Like what? What does he think, what does he want? "Oh, well, we've decided this six of us, because we're this group and this is what we call ourselves, we're gonna go to Busch Gardens or maybe we can go to this place, and we'll spend the ni-" I'm like, "I'm gonna s- I'm gonna stop you there.

43:36We're not doing that." That's cute though. No, it is cute. I like the idea of them. Yeah. No, I just, I remember being young and the idea of making big plans like that, and like re- Like I remember when I was young being like, "This is what we're gonna do this summer." Yeah. And when I say young, I mean up to five years ago. I think that part of me died- Correct... like not that long ago. But you're like, "This is what we're gonna do," like our summer wish fun list. No, and I get it.

43:54He's, "These are the things I wanna do this summer." I was like, "We will do our best to accommodate those within the constructs of the family and work. I think that's great," you know? Yeah. But again, it's more just he plans the things out. I'm like, "That is a Thursday to a Tuesday," and it's not. Yeah. And also those theme parks- No... are not open during, during pretty mu- Right, yeah. Sorry. I don't know. Yeah. Paul last year asked to go to a rage room, which I am- A what? I, I... A rage room. Have you not heard of these? Surprised you haven't heard of these.

44:22It's like a place, you know in Office Space the movie where they all take out the fax machine and like- Of course... beat it to death and- Yeah... rage room you pay money and you go into a room basically full of shit and you fuck it up. And, uh, and that's it. Okay. So Paul asked to go to one, and I im- first response was like, "They don't do that for kids. That's too dangerous." And then I think he asked again, and I was like, "See?" I was like, I got to my computer, I was like, "They don't do this." And then of course the first thing that comes up is a rage room for kids.

44:48So he did an hour or two of rage room and axe throwing with, I think, with three buddies last year, and the best part is that they had, they got a video of the rage room so they could rewatch themselves, like take- Uh-huh... you know, like take a bat to a monitor or whatever, what have you. It's fine. It worked out fine. I made Steve take them out to do it. I think they had, you know, BO ridden se- fast food lunch afterwards, and it was great. That reminds me, the video component.

45:21We were at one of the kids' baseball games and somebody, one of the players on their team made a funny swing, and I swear to God, for the next 10 minutes all the teammates were in the dugout yelling to one of the other parents, "Did you get that on video? Come show us the video. Did you get it? Was this..." During the game. At one point one of the- Crazy... one of the grandfathers, I'm guessing, just eventually... It truly went on for 10 minutes, and one of the grandfathers yelled over to them, "Shut the fuck up and play the game." Which truly, shut the fuck up.

45:53It, I don't know. That's wild. That's really funny. You think you'll never see a good interesting swing again. You know, watch the game and you'll, maybe you'll see another one. Speaking of eighth grade, or speaking of baseball, I was talking to my cousin the, last week and she mentioned, we've talked about red shirting, parents holding their kid back, right, like when they're younger to be better at sports. She heard of parents, there's some parents who hold their eighth grader back. They repeat eighth grade so they can start high... And I w- we never heard of that one before in our lives. Have you heard of that?

46:25No, and it doesn't surprise me at all, and that's so fucking du- Here's the... Can I tell you something? That seems like psychological abuse. Go ahead. Your child's not gonna play professional sports. I don't know what to tell you. Right. Yeah. Especially honestly, if you have the heft and money to get your way this way along the way, your kid has no incentive to perform at this level for the entirety of their like resulting childhood. That's fucking crazy.

46:51Like we didn't put Charlotte- Yeah... into kindergarten 'cause she was the most un- emotionally regulated child, and she was four or whatever. You know? And she'd run to the in between. An eighth grade? Oh, this shit. Yeah. I can't think, and I really can't think of a single athlete truly that I was like, that I would be like, I wish that life for my child. I hope my child has a completely peripatetic life and gets threatened all the time by a gambler, by gambling addicts, and, uh, I don't know what, and their career is very short.

47:20You know, but anyway, maybe I'm just salty 'cause my kid is not good enough to even think about holding Satan back for sports. No, but that's fucking nuts if you just think about any of the ramifications for, again, youth spo- It doesn't surprise me 'cause youth sports are such a nightmare, and it's 95% because of parents. What does that do to their friendships? You know? Yeah. Also for the teachers, like why would you, your k- I feel like this kid would have no incentive to try hard if he's doing the exact same thing he just did, and then that kid will be an asshole and the whole year will be, that's how you get a bad year.

47:48That's how you have... That's one, one recipe for a bad class. That- Yeah... and probably having like a lot of little siblings I bet makes for a rough class also. I mean it's like- Yeah, I, I bet I could put together a bullet list about what are the indicators of a year being good or not. My kid wrote one of their elementary school teacher appreciation weeks, this reminds me. One of the teachers, third grade I think, had all three of my kids after he moved here. And he wrote- Oh, that's sweet... he wrote her a note for teacher appreciation week.

48:15Dana sent me a picture of, and it says, "To," this teacher, "thank you for teaching me in third grade and preparing me for fourth grade. You've put up with my family for a very long time. I bet you were relieved when I left your class." [laughs] That's great actually. She's a fucking rock star, but I, and you know, I'm sure she'd be like, "No, it was great," this and this. I'm sure she's also like, "That chapter of my life is over with. Thank Christ." Yeah. God, I hate to say it, I did not do anything for teacher appreciation week except for donate $300 to the teacher bonus fund.

48:45But aside from that, I- It countsYeah, I slept on the job. I, yeah, that'll have to do for now, pig. And I'm hoping other parents will, you know, I can lean on their efforts. I saw on Instagram, again, I bet you didn't see this 'cause of the algorithm, but Instagram knows that I have at least a child in school, or some- there's something about me that's interested in children's schools, and they're trying to sell me some bracelet that is shaped like a pencil, and they're like, "Give it to the teacher in your life."

49:10And every comment was like, "Don't fu-," we're like, "We want money." None of the... Like, every single comment was like, "I hate this. [laughs] I hate this shit." That's fucking amazing. Or like, "Our entire, my entire identity is not teacher." So I wonder how often you get things about cute teacher jewelry. Yeah, no, not often, 'cause I don't engage with anything remotely. I have done a poor job programming my algorithm, basically. I also got algorithm-ed a pair of high heels that are shaped, like, styled like a baseball. It's white leather with red stitching.

49:40I think they look awful, but they have bots that are like, "These are so cute. Can't wait." So yeah. Anyway, uh, I gotta jam in a second. I do, we can either keep talking or do a quick yes right now, but I gotta touch home. Let's do a yes right now, and I'm with you. You gotta go do your thing. I gotta go to Henry's recorder concert. You know, can I just say, I was in the recorder choir at church when I was in grade school, me and my friend Tom. And Tom ended up being, like, a very cool, handsome dude.

50:07He played football for Yale, and I was just telling James about my recorder youth, and he's like, "Mom, that sounds kinda lame," about the recorder choir in church. And I was emailing my friend Tom about it, 'cause we still write, and I was like, "Can you believe this child had the temerity to think recorder choir, church choir, was not cool?" Fuck you. Yeah. Anyway, I hope Henry's rendition of Hot Cross Buns is amazing. Better be fucking legit. [upbeat music] That's it for this week.

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51:11Head to notrightnow.show for more, or send us feedback, questions, horror stories, doxing, whatever it is, at [email protected]. [upbeat music]