Podcast · Learning

Relationships Made Easy

by Dr. Abby Medcalf · English · Learning

The research says the key to a happy life is happy relationships. But how exactly do you make your relationships better? That’s what this show is all about. I’m Dr. Abby Medcalf, psychologist, best-selling author, TEDx speaker, and (according to my kids) the bossy Jewish mom yo

Typical length: 41 min
Language: English

Latest episode

52 min

402. Unrealistic Expectations in Relationships: Why You Can’t See Yours (and What to Do Instead)

If you’ve ever been disappointed or frustrated in a relationship, your expectations were too high. Think about it. Disappointment is what happens when you expect one thing and get another. Your own expectations don’t seem unrealistic to you, even though they often are, because you’re usually not aware you even have them. Most of them started out as preferences, you know, the way you like things done. But then, somewhere along the way, they turned into “shoulds” that are just facts everyone is supposed to follow. Today you’ll learn why you don’t realize you’re setting expectations for other…

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Earlier episodes 29 most recent

S9 · E401 · 44 min
401. Triggered or Just Upset? How to Tell (And What to Do When Someone Says "I'm Triggered")
It seems like triggers are everywhere these days. Last week at my local coffee shop, I heard someone say they were triggered because they were out of the kind of tea they liked to drink. Maybe someone in your life says “I’m triggered” in the middle of an argument, and you have to stop the conversation even though you think they’re using it as a weapon. Or maybe you feel what you consider to be a true trigger when someone confronts you and your mind goes blank, and you feel numb. When is trigger the right word for what happened? Today you’re getting the real definition of a trigger, what to…
S9 · E400 · 40 min
400. Can One Person Really Change a Relationship? Here's What the Research Says
You've been waiting for someone else to change first - your partner, your mother, your business partner, whoever it is - because you think the relationship can't change until they do something different. Today you're going to learn why that wait was never necessary. One person, on their own, is enough to change the whole relationship. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes: https://abbymedcalf.com/one-person-change-relationship-reactive-loop Get the assessment: What’s Triggering You? A quick assessment to find your biggest trigger: https://abbymedcalf.com/whats-triggering-you…
36 min
399. Why You Self-Sabotage When Things Are Finally Going Well
You finally get the good thing: the relationship that's steady, the promotion, the friendship that's truly reciprocal, and right when it's working, you pick a fight, or pull back, or suddenly find something wrong that wasn't there last week. There are two very specific reasons you self-sabotage when things are finally going well, and today you'll learn both, plus effective tools so you can stop self-sabotaging and start enjoying your life. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes: https://abbymedcalf.com/why-you-self-sabotage-when-things-are-good Take the assessment: Are You…
S9 · E398 · 39 min
398. Why Your Conversations Keep Going in Circles (And the 2-Step Fix)
You’re stuck in an argument. Maybe it’s the same fight you have every few weeks. Maybe it’s a standoff where nobody budges. Maybe someone goes quiet and passive-aggressive instead of saying what’s wrong. All three have the same root cause. You’re arguing the facts, and no one’s talking about what’s happening underneath the words. Whatever’s happening emotionally is what’s keeping the conversation stuck. You’re arguing the facts, hoping that’ll help, but it doesn’t because you’re focusing on the wrong thing. We connect through feelings, not thoughts, and until someone names the feelings, the…
S9 · E397 · 45 min
397. Whose Voice Is Your Inner Critic, Really?
Your inner critic isn't really your voice. Research says that voice almost always started out as someone else's, usually a parent or caregiver from way back. The problem is you've been repeating it in your own head for so long you forgot it was someone else's way of thinking and not your own. It's time to choose what you say to yourself, so today I'm going to help you figure out who you are underneath that voice and my two-step process for getting it to stop running the show. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes: https://abbymedcalf.com/whose-voice-is-your-inner-critic Get a…
S9 · E396 · 47 min
396. The Mental Load: Why Helping Doesn’t Help
You’re supposed to be sleeping, but what you’re doing is lying there in the dark thinking about all the things. Why did I say that stupid thing in the meeting today? Is that chicken still good or does it have to get cooked tomorrow? Did the permission slip get signed for the field trip? And crap, I forgot to call mom back! That’s the mental load, and it’s why you’re so tired. This isn’t about better sleep or having more downtime. It’s about the things you don’t realize you’re carrying. Today you’re going to learn what mental load really is, why it doesn’t get one bit lighter when somebody…
S9 · E395 · 49 min
395. Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child or Mascot: Which One Were You?
Which family role were you given? Dr. Abby Medcalf on the hero, scapegoat, lost child and mascot, what the research shows, and how to stop playing yours. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes: https://abbymedcalf.com/family-roles-hero-scapegoat-lost-child-mascot Which Role Are You Still Playing? Take the Quiz! https://abbymedcalf.com/which-role-are-you-still-playing Join my online community, One Love Collective, on Substack: https://abbymedcalf.com/substack . You'll get... ✨ Early drops + ad-free podcast episodes ✨ Worksheets, journal prompts, downloads, and guided…
28 min
394. Why You’re Nicer to Strangers Than to the People You Love
You were perfectly nice to the guy at the coffee counter this morning, and you were patient with the coworker who asked you the same question for the third time, and then you walked through your own front door and said something to the person you love most that you would never in a million years have said to either of those strangers. So, if you’ve ever thought, why am I so mean to the people I love, today’s episode is for you. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes: https://abbymedcalf.com/ why-am-i-mean-to-the-people-i-love Grab the free download for this What Would You Have…
S9 · E393 · 44 min
393. You Can Become Securely Attached (Even If You Didn’t Start Out That Way)
You've taken the quiz and you've read the books, so you know your attachment style. But last night your partner said, "We need to talk," and your whole body went off like a car alarm. That anxiety or panic is an insecure attachment style doing its thing. So, the real question is: can you actually change it? And the real answer is yes, you can. It's called earned secure attachment; it's real, and researchers have been studying it for decades. Today you'll learn what earned secure attachment really is, the three things earned secure attachment is not, and the five tools to start building it…
S8 · E392 · 46 min
392. How Do You Actually Build Emotional Intimacy?
You can be married for thirty years and still feel lonely with the person sleeping next to you. If this is (or has been you), what you’ve actually been missing isn’t more time together, more sex, or more communication. You’re missing emotional intimacy. Today I’m walking you through what emotional intimacy actually is, the four things people confuse it with, why it’s so hard to build, the four building blocks that make it real, and exactly how to start practicing each one… starting today. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes:…
S8 · E391 · 47 min
391. How Do You Know If You’re Really in Love?
Today I’m going to walk you through what “in love” really means at the brain level (spoiler: it’s not just chemistry), why fear sounds so much like love your nervous system can’t tell them apart, the four fear thoughts that masquerade as love and how to spot each one, what real love feels like in your body, and how this should look at different stages of a relationship so you can tell whether you’re in love at the beginning, the middle, or the long-haul phase you might be in right now. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes: https://abbymedcalf.com/how-to-know-if-youre-in-love…
S8 · E390 · 48 min
390. “But It Felt So Real”: Why Red Flags Don’t Look Like Red Flags
Today I’m not doing the standard “look for red flags” thing. Ugh, I hate that phrase. It puts the whole burden on you to spot something that, by its nature, doesn’t look like a flag at all. (And then when you don’t see it, somehow that’s your fault? Nope. Stop. We’re not doing that here.) The reason red flags feel like green flags is that high-intensity behaviors mimic the outputs of real love, things like attention, certainty, and devotion, without including any of the inputs , things like time, consistency, and being actually known. So today I’m walking you through eight specific behaviors…
S8 · E389 · 43 min
389. Why You Always Feel Like an Afterthought
You wanted them to choose you without being asked because you believe that if you have to ask, it doesn’t really count. You want a partner who puts their work down first. The parent who calls to see how you're doing. The friend who reaches out for no reason. When they don't, something in you decides it means there’s something wrong with you, and you add it to a growing list of evidence that you're the afterthought. But wanting to be chosen is a real psychological need, not neediness. The problem isn't the wanting, it's a belief you're probably carrying about what asking means . Today we'll…
S8 · E388 · 45 min
388. Why Fairness Is Destroying Your Relationship
That's not fair. You said it as a kid. You've thought it as an adult. Maybe you thought it this morning when you were loading the dishwasher while your partner sat on the couch. Maybe you thought it when you were the one who made the dinner and then also had to clean up because somehow that's just how it goes. Maybe you're thinking it right now, because you're the one reading this, trying to figure out how to make things better, and why are you always the one who has to make changes when they're not doing anything? That's not fair either. Fairness is one of the most universal thoughts humans…
S8 · E387 · 40 min
387. Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Partner
If you've ever said, "My picker is broken," I want you to stop right there. Your picker isn't broken. It's working exactly the way it was trained to work. The problem is what it was trained on, and that's something you can actually change. In this episode, I'm going to walk you through the three psychological mechanisms that explain why you keep ending up in the same painful patterns, why that person who seemed so amazing kept disappointing you, and what you can concretely do to choose differently starting today. You're going to get the reframe, and then, as always, you're going to get the…
S8 · E386 · 44 min
386. Why You Do What You Do: An Introduction to Internal Family Systems
You've tried to change. You've done the work. And you still find yourself asking: why do I keep doing this? Today, I want to give you a framework that might finally answer that question. It's called Internal Family Systems, or IFS, and it explains why you react so differently depending on who you're with, why self-compassion feels impossible no matter how many times someone tells you to practice it, and why you keep choosing the same kind of person even when you know better. Nothing is wrong with you. You might just be missing a map. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes:…
S8 · E385 · 41 min
385. Are You a Highly Sensitive Person? What the Research Actually Says
If you've spent most of your life being told you're too sensitive, too emotional, too intense, that you need to toughen up, let things go, stop taking everything so personally, this episode is for you. Today, I'm going to walk you through what the research actually says about being a highly sensitive person, or HSP. We'll look at what's happening in your brain, why the world feels so intense for you, how to recognize this trait in yourself, and most importantly, what you can actually do with this information so your sensitivity stops running your life and starts working for you instead. And,…
S8 · E384 · 27 min
384. You're Not Feeling Guilty. Here's What's Really Going On.
There's a word people use all the time that’s causing you a lot of unneeded suffering, mostly because you’re using it incorrectly. That word is guilty . You say you feel guilty for canceling plans. Guilty for not calling your mom back sooner. Guilty for wanting more space in your relationship. Guilty for saying no. But the vast majority of the time, what you're calling guilt isn't guilt at all! You've got the wrong label on a very real feeling, and that mislabel is keeping you stuck, second-guessing yourself, and apologizing for things you don't actually owe an apology for. Today, I'm going…
S8 · E383 · 50 min
383. Are You Enmeshed or Just Close? Here's How to Tell
Have you ever felt guilty for wanting space? Like needing a little distance from someone you love means something is wrong with you, or with the relationship? Or maybe you've watched someone you're dating and thought, "Why does their family seem to know everything about everything and have an opinion on all of it?" What you might be looking at, in both cases, is enmeshment. Today we're talking about what enmeshment actually is, how to recognize it in yourself and in the people around you, and why the line between being close and being enmeshed matters more than most people realize. I'll give…
S8 · E382 · 36 min
382. Why You Can’t Stop Comparing Yourself to Others
You’ve tried unfollowing people, making gratitude lists, staying in your own lane. And you still compare yourself to others. So what gives? You can’t stop comparing because you were never supposed to, and comparison isn’t a bad habit you can decide to quit. It’s a cognitive function, and you can’t opt out of cognitive functions. Every piece of advice that tells you to just stop is working against your own brain, which is exactly why it never sticks. Today you’ll learn why comparison is hardwired into you, why the standard advice fails, why some people get pulled into it more painfully than…
S8 · E381 · 34 min
381. Why You Shut Off Your Feelings (And Why It's Catching Up With You)
You're doing fine. Really. You've got work handled, the relationship seems okay, you've moved on from that fight or that disappointment, and you're not thinking about it anymore. Except, you kind of are. You just don't know it yet. That's what compartmentalization does: it doesn't actually clear your feelings away. It boxes them up and slides them onto a shelf so you can keep functioning. And that shelf? It fills up. Stay with me, because today we're going to talk about what compartmentalization actually is, why your brain learned to do it, what it costs you in relationships, and what you…
S380 · E8 · 37 min
380. The 7 Childhood Experiences That Shape Every Relationship You'll Ever Have
You probably know what an ACE is. Adverse Childhood Experience. Trauma, instability, the things that happened to you that you didn't deserve and couldn't control. Researchers have spent decades documenting how those early experiences affect your brain, your nervous system, your relationships, and your health decades later. But there's a side of that research that almost nobody talks about, and it may be the most hopeful thing I've ever read: the science of what protected you. Or would have. Or still can. There are seven specific childhood experiences, what researchers now call Positive…
S8 · E379 · 34 min
379. You're Not Overreacting. Here's What's Actually Happening.
You snapped at your partner over something small, and you already know it wasn't really about that. You've gotten defensive with your mom, shut down with your boss, pulled away from a friend, and each time there's that same moment afterward where you think: why did I react like that? The shame of it is exhausting. And the confusing part is that you can't always explain it, even to yourself. Today I'm giving you a new lens, not a replacement for everything you already know about yourself, but something more precise. Because there's a difference between knowing you got triggered and knowing…
S8 · E378 · 29 min
378. Stuck in a Situationship? Here's What's Really Going On
I've been quoted in both the Wall Street Journal and Women's Health about situationships, and I’ve been on countless radio broadcasts talking about situationships, so apparently, I’m an expert on this topic, but somehow I've never done an episode with a situationship focus. That changes right now. Today you'll learn why you can't leave, what your brain and your attachment history have to do with it, and what you need to start doing differently. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes: https://abbymedcalf.com/why-you-cant-leave-a-situationship Get the two-minute assessment: Am I…
S8 · E377 · 27 min
377. Relationship Anxiety Explained: Why You Feel Insecure Even When Your Partner Is Safe
You can be in a genuinely (or relatively) healthy relationship and still feel anxious. Your partner texts you back, they show up when they say they will, and they're not pulling away or playing games. And yet, you still find yourself overthinking their tone, needing reassurance, or waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you've ever thought, "Why do I feel insecure when nothing is actually wrong?" this episode is for you. Today we're talking about why love can feel unsafe even when you're with a safe partner, what's happening in your brain when closeness starts to trigger anxiety, and why…
S8 · E376 · 47 min
376. Why Do I Always Feel Like a Victim? Here's What's Really Going On
Do you ever feel like life is just constantly happening to you? Like, no matter how hard you try, you end up right back in that same exhausting place, feeling small, stuck, powerless, and like you're always the one getting the short end of the stick? If you've ever caught yourself thinking, "Why does this always happen to me?" or "Why are people always treating me this way?", you're in exactly the right place. Today I'm going to answer that question. Why you feel like a victim and why you feel powerless, where it comes from, and most importantly, what you can actually do to change it. We're…
S8 · E375 · 40 min
375. Are You Codependent or Just a Good Person? Here’s How to Tell
You’re a caring person. You show up. You give. You’d do just about anything for the people you love. So when someone suggests you might be codependent, it stings because, from where you’re standing, you’re just being a good person. But what if both things are true? Today I’m going to show you the difference between true compassion and fear-based helping, the sneakiest place codependency actually hides, four questions to tell which one you’re doing in real time, and five things to do the moment you catch yourself crossing that line. ____________________________ Full blog and show notes:…
S8 · E374 · 35 min
374. Is It Love or Limerence? How to Tell the Difference
You know that feeling. You’re going about your day and, out of nowhere, they’re in your head again. You replay a conversation from three weeks ago. You check your phone even though you know you didn’t hear it buzz. You catch yourself spinning out a whole imaginary future and then, when they actually do text, the rush is so intense it’s almost physical. But when they go quiet? Or when you can’t tell how they feel about you? The whole thing somehow gets even more intense. Most people call that falling in love. But what if it isn’t? Today we’re talking about limerence: what it actually is, how…
S8 · E373 · 38 min
373. Hustle Culture Is Lying to You: Make More Money by Working Smarter, Not Harder
What if I told you that the most powerful thing you could do for your financial life has nothing to do with working harder, hustling more, or grinding until something breaks? What if the real shift is an inside job? Today, we're going to talk about the science and, yes, the spirit behind creating more money with less effort. And I promise you, by the end, whether you're a hard-nosed data person or someone who keeps crystals on your desk, there’s going to be something today to make you think differently about how to create more wealth in your life. ____________________________ Full blog and…

About Relationships Made Easy

Relationships Made Easy is a English learning podcast from Dr. Abby Medcalf. Melo plays each episode straight from the publisher's own feed — no ads added, no account needed — and remembers where you stopped, in this browser only.

Publisher: Dr. Abby Medcalf
Language: English
Category: Learning
Typical length: 41 min
Feed: RSS — paste into any podcast app
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/podcast/id1406061656

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