When Should You Help Your Toddler - and When Should You Wait? Ep 168

0:00Erin:Have you ever watched your toddler struggle with something he desperately wants to do himself and felt completely torn about whether to help or not? Maybe he's trying to zip his coat, put on his shoe, climb onto something, open a container, and you can see the frustration building. He pulls a little harder, starts to grunt or whine, and you're standing there thinking,"Do I step in? Do I wait? Am I actually helping him or getting in the way of something his brain needs to learn?" Because this is where parenting gets much harder than the advice makes it sound.

0:38Erin:Let him figure it out isn't always right, but jumping in the second he begins to struggle isn't right either. Your child needs to be challenged, but he also needs you to help. The real developmental skill is learning to recognize when frustration is still productive, which means his brain is working right on the edge of a new skill or a new ability, versus when he has crossed over into genuine overwhelm and is no longer available to learn. And there's another part of this that I think we rarely talk about.

1:18Erin:Your toddler isn't the only one learning in these moments. You are, too. Every time you pause, watch, decide whether to step in, offer a little help, or give him room to try again, you are becoming more attuned to the child who's standing right in front of you. He's learning how to do hard things, and you're learning how to mother him. Those two things are happening together in real time. So today, I want to show you three things. First, why your child's brain actually needs some struggle.

1:59Erin:Second, how to tell the difference between productive frustration and genuine overwhelm. And third, how to help just enough without taking over. Because those tiny moments with the zipper, the shoe, the playground, or the kitchen table are doing far more than teaching one little skill. They're shaping how your child actually learns, and they're shaping you as his mother. First, I want to broaden this beyond toddlers just for a moment because I think it's really important to see the big picture.

2:38Erin:It isn't simply that a toddler's brain learns through attempts or efforts. The human brain learns through these efforts by design. That's what we call neuroplasticity. Your brain changes in response to experience And that remains true throughout our entire lifespan. It's true when your toddler is learning to walk, it's true when your 10-year-old is learning multiplication, and it's true when you're learning a new language at 40. It's especially true when an older adult is deliberately challenging memory, attention, processing speed, and any other cognitive skill, even balance and mobility, to keep the brain healthy and strong and fit.

3:28Erin:this is one of the things that became deeply ingrained in me early in my career through all of my training and work influenced by Dr. Michael Merzenich and Dr. Paula Tallal. Their work helped demonstrate something incredibly important, and it made a huge impact across all study of human growth. The brain is not fixed. Under the right learning conditions, neural changes can take place. The program that I used way back in the mid-1990s through, 2020 was called Fast Forward, and it applied these neuroplasticity principles to developing brains that were already struggling with language and auditory processing.

4:15Erin:That was my niche for 15 years. Later, Merzenich's work continued into programs such as BrainHQ, where he applied many of those same fundamental learning principles to older brains. Different ages, different tasks, but the same remarkable human nervous system. And one of the principles underneath all of this is in order for learning to occur, the task cannot always be effortless. There has to be enough challenge that the brain is required to pay attention, make distinctions, identify things that are different and the same, notice errors, make adjustments, and then try again.

5:05Erin:And if the task is too easy, there's very little reason for this nervous system to even make any changes. The truth is, it's very little reason to even try. Far too difficult, and the learner cannot successfully engage with the task either. So learning tends to happen somewhere in that workable space between,"I already know how to do this," and,"I have absolutely no idea what to do." That's that sweet spot. And think about this. Childhood gives the most extraordinary view of this because almost everything your baby and toddler is doing is new.

5:48Erin:Rolling over, sitting up, reaching, grasping, crawling, pulling up to a stand, walking, climbing, using a spoon, pulling off his sock, fitting two pieces together, making sounds, making different sounds, then stringing those sounds together to find a word, combining words, waiting, turn-taking, managing disappointment, solving a problem. Almost every day, that young brain and body are confronting something they have never completely mastered before.

6:25Erin:So please don't overlook this. Don't minimize it. Learning usually looks something like this. We try, we miss, we adjust, we try again. that is not an unfortunate side effect of development. That's a huge part of how all development happens, right? Imagine your toddler trying to put on his shoe. He pushes his foot forward toward that opening, He misses. He tries again. He gets toes caught on the ridge. He pulls the shoe away. He looks away. He, he moves his foot.

7:03Erin:He pushes again. All these tiny little patterns that he's trying to organize and learn the process. But neurologically, there's so much happening, He is using motor planning. His brain is trying to figure out, what does my body need to do to accomplish this task? Where do my hands go? How does my left and my right side work together? How do I pull something at the same time that I push my foot? Which direction does my foot need to turn and organize?

7:38Erin:how do I line these things up? Young children get thousands and thousands of opportunities to work this out through trial and error, and they need those opportunities. He also is developing attention at that moment. He has to stay with the problem long enough to notice,"Well, gosh, that didn't work, and, and that's important, so let me switch it up a little bit." if we correct every movement before he has an opportunity to experience the result for himself, we often remove part of the information that his brain would have used in order to learn that skill, right?

8:21Erin:And so we're, we're removing his ability to think through the possibilities. He tries something, it doesn't work, he notices it, and then he makes an adjustment. And during these trial and errors, he's also problem-solving. Maybe, you know, he turns the shoe the wrong way. Maybe he switches hands. Maybe he stands up. Maybe he sits down. Maybe he looks toward you for information or simply confirmation. Now he's beginning to learn, when the first thing I try doesn't work, I can try something else.

9:00Erin:That's cognitive flexibility developing in ordinary life. And in these trial and error practice opportunities, language is also developing. You're nearby, and you can often say very simple cues, Open it a little more. Push the other way. Turn your foot. not that way, this way. Do you need help? Those aren't vocabulary flashcards or drilling lists. Those are words that are attached to an immediate sensory and emotional experience. He's living through it, and that gives language structure and meaning.

9:45Erin:And then, of course, there's always the emotional regulation. Your child is learning, well, I don't like this feeling, This is hard. This is difficult. I'm frustrated, and at the same time, I can still keep going. That does not mean we want our toddlers miserable. We don't need to manufacture frustration. Life will provide plenty naturally. But feeling frustrated is not inherently harmful. One of the things a developing nervous system gradually learns, an uncomfortable feeling does not automatically mean I have to stop.

10:29Erin:I can feel frustrated and remain engaged. I can pause. I can get information. I can accept some help. I can try something different, and underneath all of those experiences, something else begins to develop, confidence. Now, let's be cautious here, because I want to define confidence carefully, because I think sometimes we misunderstand how it comes to life or how it comes to fruition. confidence isn't primarily built because somebody continually tells you you're capable.

11:11Erin:You can tell your child,"Oh, you're so smart," or,"You can do anything. Great job." Those can certainly be loving words and very reinforcing from time to time. But deep confidence, that grows from something more substantial. It grows from accumulating experiences through these efforts. That was hard. I kept working. Something changed, and eventually I could do something I couldn't do before. That's very different. That's not simply encouragement.

11:53Erin:That's building a history. Your child begins accumulating evidence. I've done hard things before, and it ain't that bad. This is where Carol Dweck's work around growth mindset can help give us language for something humans have actually always experienced. Ability is not simply something we possess or don't possess, Skills develop through effort and strategies, feedback, practice, getting help when necessary, and then continued engagement with that challenge.

12:32Erin:So your two-year-old does not need a lesson on growth mindset. He needs opportunities to actually live it and experience it, and sometimes that means allowing him to experience a little more difficulty than we are comfortable with. Because a little frustration is often evidence that your child is working right at the edge of his new mastery or his new ability. Now, keep in mind here, I said a little frustration, because more frustration is not necessarily better, and that's, there's a fine dance between these.

13:14Erin:So how do you know when the struggle is productive and when your child has moved beyond it? This is something I refined over 40 years of clinical work, and trust me, I certainly didn't walk into my first treatment session knowing how to do this. I had to learn how to read the child sitting right in front of me at that moment. I had to learn how to play with him, how to wait, how to notice. I had to give a cue without giving too much of the process or too much of the solution.

13:52Erin:I had to really begin to recognize when a child was working hard, but still engaged, and then I would just sit back And then I had to recognize the flip side. I've lost him. He's, he's gone over the edge. I need to step in. That ability to become attuned to another human being develops with experience. I didn't have that at the beginning of my career, trust me. And parenting requires the same skill development. Not because you're supposed to become your child's therapist.

14:31Erin:You're his mother, and that's the greatest role to be. But because parenting a baby and a toddler, a preschooler, requires an enormous amount of observation. You begin learning your child from day one. You know that face, that sound, that whine. You know when he's irritated, but still thinking and still trying. And eventually, you also recognize the moment when, whoops, this isn't productive anymore. Let's stop. So what does productive struggle actually look like?

15:10Erin:I know that that's roaming in your head, right? You're asking that question. Let me share what I've learned over the years. And at this stage, after 40 years, I just do it so naturally. But I want to walk through it with you so it becomes natural for all of you. So your toddler may be clearly frustrated, but he's still engaged, right? That's productive struggle. Maybe he gives you that look that says,"Help me just a little bit, Mama." So you tap his elbow to, to pull up a little bit more, or you point to where his hand needs to go if he's climbing on something.

15:54Erin:You open the, the shoe a little wider, maybe pull out the tongue. You give him one piece and find some stability if he's trying to put two pieces together. You give him one short verbal cue,"Push again, honey," and he can use it. That is an enormously important clue. Productive struggle means that you can give him one little prompt and he still continues in the learning. He can still take in information. He uses your cue. he can still change what he's doing based on the feedback he's receiving from you, subtle as it may be.

16:40Erin:His nervous system may be activated, and he may still be working hard. He may even sound a little annoyed, but he's still available for learning. I want you to remember that phrase,'cause that's key Because sometimes we ask the wrong questions in these situations. We ask,"Is my child upset?" Your child can be upset and still be learning. Your child can be frustrated and still be thinking. Your child can even whine or cry a little and still remain connected to the task.

17:20Erin:So instead, ask yourself this: Is he still available for learning? Can he use the information I give him? Can he respond to you and make adjustments? Those are much more useful questions. Now, the flip side, overwhelm looks different of course, right? He's no longer trying to solve the problem. Maybe the, the zipper's thrown or the jacket's thrown. He, he kicks off the shoe. He collapses, pushes you away. His frustration escalates very quickly the same clue that you gave him a moment ago, he can't use, right?

18:01Erin:He can't even listen. He can't reorganize himself in real time and return to the task So now something has changed. The learning opportunity has changed, But overwhelm doesn't mean the moment was a failure. It just means that your job, the way you guide and support him has changed. A moment ago, your job may have been helping him to solve the problem. Now, the problem itself may not even matter. Now, it's more like he needs help settling his nervous system enough that he could maybe come back to it more quickly.

18:40Erin:Maybe he reconnects and tries again right then and there. Maybe not. Maybe today he's just simply done. But once your child is no longer available for learning, standing over him saying,"Oh, come on, honey, give it one more try. Don't give up. You can do it," that rarely teaches the persistence that we're hoping for, not at this age. Your child has to be neurologically available to use the information you're giving him, and this is where I want to make a very important distinction The goal is not maximum frustration.

19:20Erin:More struggle is not better simply because struggle can help us all learn, right? The goal is the right amount of challenge with enough support for your child to remain available for learning And that's where I say sometimes we switch between being the parent, the coach, and the cheerleader. There is a sweet spot that we're looking for. The right amount of challenge with enough support for your child to remain available in the task. He's still learning how to do it.

19:56Erin:And of course, there's no chart or measurement for this. you can't look at an 18-month-old and say,"Okay, he needs exactly 37 seconds of frustration and then he loses it." Or you can't look at a two-year-old and say,"Okay, give two verbal cues and one gesture and he'll be fine." All children are different. Skills are different. Even your same child can look different from one day to another. Which means this requires something from us, the adults who are leading and teaching and guiding and loving and supporting.

20:34Erin:We need to remember to observe before we intervene. Not because you're withholding help, but you're gathering information. What is he trying to do? Is he close? What does he already know how to do? Can he use a little information and get to the next step? What might help? These are questions that are going through your mind as you watch in those first couple of seconds. and I know how difficult this can be. You're busy, right? You're trying to get dinner on the table.

21:12Erin:Maybe you have another child who needs help. Your dog is barking. You're already late. Maybe you didn't get much sleep last night yourself or you haven't eaten well. You're running on fumes often. And now me, this lady, I'm asking you to be more thoughtful and to observe your two-year-old while he's struggling with something that you can do in two seconds. I understand that's a lot to ask And it takes a lot of mental bandwidth. It takes restraint, right?

21:45Erin:You want to jump in and just do it for him. And sometimes you simply don't have an extra 10 or 15 minutes. But here's the part I don't want to minimize. Observation is part of our primary work when we're raising very young children. You cannot consistently respond appropriately to any child that you haven't taken time to learn. And the more you observe your child, the better you become at reading him. You're learning, too, You're both learning how to do this.

22:21Erin:Your baby's developing, your toddler is developing, and you are developing as his mother. You become more skilled through experience, just like they do. You are beginning to recognize, can he handle this? Is he asking me for a little help? Can I give him a little more space to try it one more time Or do I just say,"Nope, this is too much for him today"? That's true attunement. And that leads us to the practical part of this whole conversation, because once you realize your child needs some support, the answer doesn't have to be,"Okay, fine, I'll do it for you." There's a huge amount of space between doing nothing and letting him feel overwhelmed and taking over.

23:11Erin:So here's the sentence I want you to remember for today. Helping is not the problem, taking over is. Toddlers need help, babies need help, and frankly, all humans need help from time to time. Independence does not mean we never rely on another person, and your child does not become independent because you suddenly stop helping him. He becomes increasingly independent because you give him the right help at the right time and then gradually remove that help as his ability grows.

23:51Erin:That's development. And this becomes especially obvious somewhere around 18 months, 24 months, even 30 months when you start hearing your little one saying,"Me, me, I do it, I do it." Toddlers desperately want to participate in their own lives. Their desire to do something often develops way before their actual skill is to master it or to even do it partially accurate, right? You know this in your head. I'm not telling you anything new, but I just want to highlight it here because it brings us to a really important distinction.

24:39Erin:Children don't have to be capable of completing the whole task in order to benefit from participating in it. That's a really, really important distinction. Your child doesn't have to be capable of completing the entire task to feel like he was worthy to participate, right? Your two-and-a-half-year-old may not have the fine motor coordination to manage all of the steps required in zipping his coat. That's a complicated little job. It requires, right hemisphere and left hemisphere working together through his tiny little hands, stabilizing one part while manipulating another, working that midline, sequencing the steps.

25:29Erin:That's a lot of fine motor precision, that doesn't mean that he can't participate. Maybe you help him by holding the bottom part, right? Or maybe you put it together and let him pull up the zipper. Maybe he holds one part and tries to wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, knowing darn well it's not working, but at least he takes a moment to try The question is not can he do the whole thing independently, efficiently, and effectively. The question is really how can he be part of the process, help together reach the solution And recently, I saw a wonderful real-life example of this.

26:19Erin:A little toddler had climbed up into a car seat and was desperately wanting to do her own buckle, and her mom just stood there quietly, knowing darn well she couldn't do it. But her little girl, in her mind, said,"I've seen this 1,000 times. Mom did it. Mom does it. It looks easy to me." So she wanted to give it a try. Her mom simply st- stood there and periodically would say,"Hey, honey, you need help?""Nope, nope. I do it. I do it." So Mom waited a couple more seconds, and the girl is just moving the three little parts, not knowing which piece goes to which end.

27:01Erin:"Do you need help?""Nope. I do it. I got it. No, no, no." And she tried some more. Eventually, after giving herself enough time to experiment, she looked up at her mom and said,"Mama, help?""Okay, honey. I'll help you." Done It maybe took, what, 15 extra seconds? Here's the reality. That little girl did not successfully buckle her seat herself But look what she got to experience. She got to try. She got to manipulate all of the pieces. She got to discover that what she was doing wasn't really working.

27:50Erin:She got to persist,"No, Mama. No, Mama, I got it." And perhaps most importantly, she got to decide for herself when she was ready to ask for help. That was the gift. That's beautiful because that young child experienced both,"I get to try," and,"I can ask for help when I need it." That is exactly the balance that you're striving for. And in that situation, she also got something else. She got to feel like she was part of it. That connection really helps raise capable, confident children.

28:39Erin:because competence doesn't always begin with,"I did it all myself." I really believe that competence begins with,"I got to participate. I got to contribute. I matter here." So instead of asking,"Do I help him or don't I help him?" Right? I want you to try asking,"What is the smallest amount of support that helps my child feel successful, feel included?" Maybe he needs no help. Maybe just a look or a word or a thumbs up. Maybe you point or you physically guide one small part of the movement.

29:26Erin:Maybe today you need to do almost all of it There's no single correct amount. Your job is to find the amount that matches where your child is developmentally in that skill on this day And it's not only physical. Of course, it's communication as well. He reaches for something and begins to whine. You know exactly what he wants. Maybe you model,"Help? Open? More?" And then wait. He doesn't need perfect articulation. You're giving his brain just enough information to organize a more effective way of communicating, and then give it back to him.

30:14Erin:this is exactly why I love the sequence we broke down in episode 166, Model, shape, practice, fade. And it's the same principle behind episode 167 on what actually teaches toddlers to talk. It isn't a big single moment. It's repetition, small dosage built inside your ordinary life, your everyday routines You may initially model the whole thing, then shape whatever attempt your child gives you. Then he needs opportunities to practice over and over again, most of the time in unstressful situations.

31:04Erin:As his ability grows, you fade yourself out. That's speech and language learning, that's motor learning, that's social learning. It's parenting. It's human growth and development, learning all together. So again, ask yourself, what is the smallest amount of support that helps my child succeed in the smallest of tasks throughout all of your day? Now, here's where things can get messy Because this is not based simply on chronological age. You cannot say,"Well, he's two.

31:46Erin:He should be able to do this." Two-year-olds can be very different. You and I both understand this. And your own two-year-old can be different on Tuesday than he was on Monday. You know, look at, did he sleep last night? Is he hungry? Is he getting sick? is the environment too loud? Are we somewhere unfamiliar? Has he had a long day? Have I had a long day? Right? Or, or maybe he s- slept beautifully. He ate breakfast. He played outside. He's ready to take on the world.

32:21Erin:Same child, different nervous system. That's where being present and understanding where your child is in the moment. So instead of comparing him with maybe the older brother or the older cousin or the par- or the girl down in the park or any developmental checklist, where is your child in learning this particular skill right now? That's what you're responding to. And yes, that requires a lot more from you. I get it. Parenting this way requires a lot of forebrain energy, We have to be present and cognizant.

33:02Erin:Sometimes mom's nervous system is the one that's running on empty. I understand that. So there are days where you stand there and you give him a little time to try it out for himself, and then there are other days where you say,"Honey, mama's gonna help you today because we need to leave now." And you do it Calmly, directly, efficiently. That's not a developmental catastrophe. It's building a real lifestyle. We're not optimizing every second of your child's childhood.

33:41Erin:What matters is that your child's ordinary life contains enough opportunities to try to build his skills one step at a time, to participate, to struggle a little bit, to get a little help and feedback, to try again, And to gradually discover, I can do more than I used to be able to do. That's the accumulation we're after. And there's something deeper underneath all of this for me. I believe we were designed to develop inside this relationship. Your baby isn't meant to figure out the world alone.

34:19Erin:I know you know that. And he wasn't designed to have another human being do every piece of living for him either. There's this beautiful exchange built into early child development. The baby tries, the mother notices. She responds, he adjusts, she adjusts back. He tries again. You both are learning in sync with one another. Not perfectly, it's a process. I believe God designed the developing brain with this extraordinary capacity to change through everyday experience, to learn, to adapt, to become more skilled.

35:03Erin:And I believe he also gave mothers this incredible capacity to become more attuned with your child that's standing right in front of you. Not because your baby arrives with instruction manuals downloaded into his brain or your brain. You learn together through experience. You make mistakes, you adjust, you try something new. You learn your baby's signals. You become more confident. You begin trusting what you're seeing and doing and feeling. You grow into motherhood while your child is growing into himself or herself.

35:45Erin:I think that's beautiful. And it also means we don't have to choose between leave him alone and I do everything for him. There's a much richer relationship in between. And so I bet right now you're thinking,"Okay, I understand this idea conceptually, but I'm still not sure what it looks like with my child." I'm sure there's a situation you keep second-guessing, a behavior, a communication struggle, a developmental question, a moment when you're not sure whether to step in, to wait, change your response, or give your child a little more room, a little wiggle room I closed my clinical practice a few years ago so I could do this instead, so I could walk alongside parents around the world and help you before a small struggle turns into a bigger one.

36:46Erin:You have two choices here. You just need someone to help you see the path you're on right now. That's exactly the kind of thing we can look at together on our clarity calls. Bring me the actual example. Tell me what's happening in your world. Tell me what you've tried, and we'll look at your child developmentally together, not as chronological age developmentally, and not just the behavior on the surface. We can figure out what's really happening and what your next step could be.

37:22Erin:You don't need another generic parenting tip. You need someone to help you look more closely at your child who's standing right in front of you. There's a link in the description down below. I look forward to chatting with you, So let's truly answer the question we started with. Your toddler is frustrated. Do you step in or do you step back? Neither automatically. The first thing you do is observe. Is he frustrated and still learning? Can he use some cues or some information?

37:55Erin:Is he open to trying again? Is he still available for learning? Or has the task moved beyond productive struggle into genuine overwhelm? Then what do you do? You participate. If he needs help, give it to him. But instead of automatically taking over, ask,"What is the smallest amount of support that helps my child succeed right now?" And then give the work back to him. Let him finish the process, because these tiny moments are accumulating. He isn't merely learning how to put on a shoe.

38:33Erin:He's learning,"I can do hard things. I can stay with something even when it doesn't work immediately. I can ask for help. Help doesn't mean somebody takes over. I can use help and then try again. And little by little, I can do more for myself." That's where capable and confident begin Not by removing every struggle from your child's path, and certainly not by leaving him alone to try to figure it out by himself, but by becoming increasingly skilled at knowing when to step in and how much help to give, and then give it back to him.

39:13Erin:So I believe you've got this. God bless. Enjoy your moments together. I can't wait to see you in the next Talking Toddlers