Anxious vs Avoidant, The Relationship Trap Nobody Talks About S4 Ep39

0:01Speaker 1:Look up with come all the things we know?

0:07Speaker 2:Window on the bottom.

0:12Speaker 1:Oh wow, is you You're my favorite view? But there's nothing and we are back.

0:24Speaker 2:Welcome back, Bumble Bitches, Season.

0:26Speaker 1:Four, episode thirty nine of the two Be Better Podcast. Today we are doing emails. Oh m, I mean she means you're gonna need to get a tablet. Means you're not prepared. Over there? Did you stick that underneath of the fabric of the chair?

0:39Speaker 2:No, I said it here. Oh when it fell and it falls in between, gotcha. If it wasn't there, we would have a problem.

0:46Speaker 1:Yeah. Well, I mean you know right where it was. Your hand went right to it. I was coll the fuck? Are you like airplane tucking your tablet down there? What's happening right now?

0:53Speaker 2:No, that's just the word ends up that sits home.

0:57Speaker 1:So for the you, those of you who are watching this episode airs, which will be sometime in August I think maybe July September. I think it's August. You'll be noticing that by the time this airs Monday and Friday content is just emails. Moving forward, guys, all of the everything that we do that's going in public will either be live streams where we do Q and A or email content only. If you want content like borderline, personality disorder, parenting, attachment styles, love languages, repair, fucking active listening, all of the really cool things that's not just email content, you need to go check out our patreon. We have a really big community over there in the discord. It's we call it the Try because that's the way we conduct ourselves.

1:38Speaker 1:We're very helpful with other people. There's men's and women's groups, there's home sitading groups, there's parenting groups, there's coaching and mentorship. Everything is through our patreon. So I'm gonna plug everything now, so I'll have to do this later. Guys, go ahead and head over to patreon dot com, forward slash to be better, join on the fifteen dollars tier, connect your patreon to discord, get into the ballpit, say hello and join in with the debauchery.

2:00Speaker 2:A new person in our discord the other day. Notice that they don't have the powers to post photos and gifts, but I do. Yeah, I slightly abuse that power.

2:10Speaker 1:It's fun.

2:10Speaker 2:I like gifts though, they get across better my emotions than just words.

2:14Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah, Today's going to be a pretty decent day for us. We have to do the emails and then we go live and a little bit after that, you're gonna go get your nails done. You're gonna go talk to somebody about some hair stuff.

2:25Speaker 2:Yep.

2:25Speaker 1:Have integration tonight for the church, go live again, possibly go live again.

2:31Speaker 2:Today's a big day.

2:32Speaker 1:To day will be a busy day.

2:33Speaker 2:Glad yesterday was cleaning.

2:35Speaker 1:Are we gonna do your sleepy time tinctures that's not dream tinctures like your camrameal and all that stuff.

2:42Speaker 2:Yes, well, we still need to finish the Liminal. We haven't even started that one yet. That's going to be the before star Walker.

2:49Speaker 1:So that'll be easy though because we're doing a small batch, so we should be able to run everything through a drop funnel in one thing and then just roteovap it dope, So that'll be easy. That'll be a very non time consuming thing. Today's pretty cool because I blew my vacuum. We're gonna have to make a video of this for Patreon. When you guys run a rotovap, there's ethanol in that rotovap. When you put a vacuum line on that rotovap and you run the rotovap through a vacuum it's a roto evaporator rotovap, and you turn the vacuum on at our room temperature, it will boil the ethanol inside of the flask without it being in the water. Our house stays at seventy six degrees now, Fahneit So for me to plug all of this shit in with an ethanol liquid base and run a vacuum watching it boil instantly is absolutely insane to me. So my old vacuum didn't do that.

3:42Speaker 1:My old vacuum needed to be ran through the water bath while doing the vacuum so that it would burn the ethanol out so that we can get down to the extracts that we were making for tinctures. I didn't realize that my vacuum was fucked up. It was working really good for ethanol based and methanol based products, but for water, it wasn't making the water boil inside the rotovap. I hooked up a different vacuum and it fucking boiled the shit out of that water. And then I tried to run ethanol with the other vacuum, and just turning the vacuum on, it burped and fucking flew inside the flask, and I had to redo everything and clean the rodovap and this shit is so cool. It sucked that it burped and I had to go do all of that shit, but it was very cool to see how much that vacuum actually plays a part in boiling pressures. Seventh grade guys like I never dissected anything. I never got to use a bunchen burner in school. Like there was no science experiments at all except for like kindergarten shit with like volcanoes, you know what I mean. So, like all of this is super fucking new to me. And seeing

4:40Speaker 1:the way that the pressure works and temperatures work, and learning the difference between freedom units and metric it's just, I don't know, pretty cool yesterday to watch that happen.

4:50Speaker 2:Waiting for you to stop talking so like a cough, I wasn't going to join in on a conversation because I was croaky. You didn't miss out on much. I didn't do any of that shit, might have either. I went to two different high schools. Yeah, my chemistry class. I was really looking forward to chemistry. I was like chemistry, but I had a teacher who was like four hundred and fifty pounds. She just sat at her desk and drank diet coke, did a lot of paperwork, watched a lot of cool videos.

5:18Speaker 1:But yeah, the hands on learning aspect of things. We got to experience two different exo thermal reactions the other night. Learn learned the importance of safety gear the other night because I almost fucked myself up. But it's it's really cool man to see these things do the ship. Like I don't know, I just stayed in school if I got to learn stuff like this, like I'd have been hyped to go to class. That was never a thing like I remember seeing movies where they were showing kids in trifuical force where they were sitting in a chair spinning a bike tire and it made the chair spin.

5:49Speaker 1:That was this fucking coole as shit, Like I tried it in my garage and it worked. Like I would have I would have stayed in school for stuff like that. We need more hands on teaching. Can't wait for the kids to be to start messing with the science stuff that we have in the house.

6:05Speaker 2:Back to the dream tinctures. Yes, I'm gonna be making the sleepy time ones that don't that are not geared. I'm gonna say, are not geared towards dreams enhancing dreams. So for those of you who have a hard time falling asleep, I'm gonna have to do some research on things maybe helping you stay asleep. I'm going to be creating something that will not enhance any of the vividness or the intensity or the dream recall. It will just be purely night night bitch. I mean, that's what I'm gonna call it, with a little moon and n B a night night bitch.

6:39Speaker 1:I am really looking forward to doing the Kamamel extraction. Apparently Kamamill has an aroma to it that is very, very pungent and pleasant when you extract it through the soxs lit. And we bought that soxlet and that heat element and we've never even turned it on. Yeah, and I would really like to be able to use that for some of these other extractions. But I am very looking forward to Camma Mill. That's one of those ones that I've watched on YouTube and the guy every time he does an extraction, he always compares its pleasantness to kamamal.

7:05Speaker 2:I love that. I remember the Redhead guy.

7:07Speaker 1:Yeah, He's like, this is pretty cool, but it's not camam Mill, and I'm like, damn, you really enjoyed that shit, so now I want to do it. I also want to do a hot pepper extraction. I think I'm gonna buy some dehydrated Carolina reapers, okay, and chop them up and put them into the socks lit and try to extract a really really hot cap sasin that you need like a cute like a toothpick drop, and an entire pot of chili to ruin someone's day.

7:35Speaker 2:Fuck, can make me a pepper spray?

7:37Speaker 1:I mean carburetor cleaner, Okay, I mean that would. I know it's a much bigger can. You can't carry it on a key chain. But if somebody ever ran up to your vehicle and you hit them in the face with carburetor cleaner, it's game over. Word.

7:50Speaker 2:We could do that tomorrow. The cocoa butter is gonna be here tomorrow, so I can make the chocolates tomorrow. We don't. I have a zoom call in the morning. Yeah, gets in the morning. It is the continuation of my parenting course. Okay, So tomorrow's a full free day for us.

8:05Speaker 1:Okay.

8:06Speaker 2:I bought you stuff, I know, and you only told me one of them. I'm itching with excitement.

8:12Speaker 1:We dropped from fifty something people to thirty six people. Apparently they don't like science. That's okay, you're going to jump into some emails. Yeah, oh, back to sixty three. So it was just calibrating. Maybe it was a glitch in the matrix.

8:27Speaker 2:You want to do some Patreon emails, we.

8:29Speaker 1:Can do whatever. Somebody in the chat said, I thought only special people had access to that to test it. Yes, once we have the testers done and we are satisfied with the final final formula, it'll go up on the website for sale, but it'll be limited drops on a five hundred militer extraction, which is what we did. Each bottle's thirty millileters will end up. I think we did the math on it. It was like sixteen or seventeen bottles on that first run, But it depends on how we fill the bottles. That that Dream star Walker is such a potent mixture that I don't think that we should be selling them at thirty thirty mili leaders. I think we should be doing fifteen because because it's gonna sit, they're not It's not like you're gonna take that every night.

9:13Speaker 1:Like that's a that would be like a ceremonial thing where you once a month, Yeah, where you don't have to work the next day and you can sit down and really process what you went through. I think that a fifteen milli leater would probably be a better better option.

9:26Speaker 2:Yep, I agree with that. And to be clear, this is not a like you're not gonna get a body high from the star Walker. This is not a you're gonna sit on the couch and feel fucked up. This is purely a dream herb. So you're gonna see far more enhancement in your dreaming. From my research, it is the psychedelic of dreams, of the dream realm of the subconscious. So while you're sleeping, you're not gonna get good sleep that night. The khalia is gonna prevent you from entering into rem sleep, so you're gonna stay more in that in between of Yeah, like the lucid dreaming, you are going to be participating. You're not just going to be a watcher. It's going to be very intense. This, like my husband said, it's gonna be a ceremonial, ritualistic. I am on my journey of healing myself and I'm at a blockage. I feel like I need to receive a message from God or the universe. It's not gonna be intense like that. What was I gonna say? Oh no, what I was gonna say? What were we talking about before that?

10:27Speaker 1:We were talking about doses?

10:28Speaker 2:Oh okay, nope, I got it back. Somebody in the chat said, I thought that was a private chat the dream Weaver. So I have changed the name of my little private testing group. It is now Sweet Dreams are made of these. Jane said that in the chat the other day, and I was like, yes, that's the one. So from my knowledge, three Jeanne is the only one who hasn't received her box.

10:55Speaker 1:Because he's got to go through Canadian customs.

10:57Speaker 2:I don't think Stancy says received hers either haven't received.

11:01Speaker 1:Right, she should have gotten hers already.

11:03Speaker 2:I'm gonna have to reach out to her.

11:04Speaker 1:I would she should have gotten that two or three days ago.

11:06Speaker 2:Okay, I know Jenne hasn't received her. That's going to be like at least a week or two.

11:10Speaker 1:It's set eleven to fourteen days customs.

11:13Speaker 2:Okay, that's not bad. So that is the separate private tester chat. But Dream Weavers is the chat that's designated within the main discord for anybody who wants to have first DIBs once the line is dropped, right, I have all of the information for my tinctures in there. The goal for the tinctures will just have to check the pen messages and that that chat is designated for the dream Tincture talk once they are two masses right. I'm keeping guys updated in that chat as well, because not everybody wants to know what's going on. That's where the information is. The announcement they're going to be. You guys are gonna get first DIBs once I put it online, So before I announce it on TikTok or anything else, that dream Weaver's chat is going to get it first.

11:53Speaker 2:And what was going to say after that? What was I gonna say after that?

11:56Speaker 1:I have no idea.

11:58Speaker 2:You can sense that I don't have my so, but you can't remember for me.

12:01Speaker 1:Well, I was actually sitting here thinking that I don't think that your tinctures will ever actually make it to TikTok. Yeah, I think by the time we announce them, because they're going to be such limited runs that like people are going to order them, and they're going to sell out before they make it to the point of us having to advertise it to another thing.

12:16Speaker 2:I agree with that.

12:17Speaker 1:It's also not like we're going to be making the shit every week, so when it sells out, it's going to be out for a while, right.

12:22Speaker 2:So, but once everyone receives their packages, I will start to get updates, right. I also sent out a little kind of daily scientific data information collection and journal thing for them to do. How much they took, what time they took it, what time they fell asleep, kind of dream the intensity and all those kinds of things. So fucking excited. How do I join the dream Weaver's Chat. I think it's just a drop down from the ballpit. So when you are in the ballpit, click on the ballpit, click on Threads. There's a whole bunch there. There's I have a dream where we can all chat about dream interpretation all those kinds of things. And then below that is dream Weavers and that is the one that you want to be in. So go into discord. Click on the ballpit. Once you are on the ballpit, the fourth one over says threads, and you will see dream Weavers in there. Once you're in dream Weavers, you'll tap on dream Weavers and then look at the pins. That's where all of the important information is. I haven't put the ingredients in there yet. That's some time I have to do later. Okay, ready, yep. So this one is from

13:30Speaker 2:Patreon and it is titled are We triggering each Other's deepest wounds instead of loving each other? Hi? Christ and Peaches, First, thank you for taking the time to read this. I've listened to your podcast for a long time because I appreciate that you don't simply pick sides. You challenge people to take accountability while also helping them understand why they're responsible the way they do. Oh, respond, I'm not rereading that whole sentence. Respond the way that they do.

13:57Speaker 1:That's the difference between people who want to grow and people who want validation. Yeah, most people, like a lot of people will write in and then get super fucking but hurt that we didn't take their side, Like we've seen people leave our community because their email got read and it didn't go the way they thought it was going to go.

14:13Speaker 2:Good for you, I agree, continuing, That's exactly what I'm hoping for. I'm intentionally keeping this anonymous, while we always keep it anonymous. Guys, that's not something you have to worry about. Please, please don't worry about that. I feel like I say that a lot.

14:29Speaker 1:Probably once every three or four episodes. Yeah, but people, this is one of those things that we have to remember that not everybody listens to every single episode. Like people. People clips, they watched the clips and listen to the clips. That's that's the most most of the content consumed is through clips.

14:45Speaker 2:So I'm skipping forward a little bit because it's just about being anonymous. My partner and I are a blended family raising two toddlers. We both work full time, and I'm also a full time college student pursuing a degree in business. Between work, school, parenting, and trying to nurture our relationship, life feels like it's constantly moving at full speed. That full speed is a choice. We understand a busy life. We live out of our Google calendar, Yeah, we do.

15:12Speaker 2:When I hear of when I hear that sentence, right, like life is going full speed. It's going so quick, like I feel like I'm going NonStop. That sounds like anxiety or panic or like I have to go, go go. I have to get this done. Got to slow down a little bit. You can be busy and have peace. May not help the emailer, but I'll help someone. Listen out there. Do I have an accent.

15:36Speaker 1:You do when you try to say Sally sells seashells down by the seashore? Do you remember that?

15:41Speaker 2:I do remember that? All right, continuing el laughing at me, I am. I'm glad I still make you laugh me too. One thing that's important to understand is that I don't really get a break. My son's biological father has an exercise his parenting time and quite some time, so I'm parenting essentially full time. My family and lifelong friends all live in another state, so outside of my partner, I don't have grandparents, nearby siblings to call, or close friends who can help, who can step in and help. My partner and I are really all we have where we live.

16:16Speaker 2:Oh I can't just okay, I was. I was like having an internal battle of is it gonna be worth saying this? I'm gonna say it anyway. That is also a choice, you not having a circle as a choice. I understand being busy, Like I just said, we fucking live out of our Google calendar. There are sacrifices made in my life to have other parents and other children in mine, in my children's life. They're like, I don't I won't do the laundry for two days and let that ship pile up. It's gonna get done anyway. I have a plethora of things to wear. I know my husband has a bunch of his favorite pants because of his autism. Like, we are good to go. There has to be something given up in order for something to come in. And if that is something that you are longing for, right, speaking to anybody who's listening to this, if that's something that you are longing for, it's okay to let the dishes sit in the sink a night, not with food on them. Right, We're gonna scrape the food off of them and rent them off. But you can allow the dishes to sit overnight and put them in the dishwasher in the morning. If you are experiencing burnout,

17:15Speaker 2:your life is working you, not the other way. You need to make your life work for you, not life working you into the ground. I am sweating so much that I can feel the flowers next to me getting wet.

17:29Speaker 1:Filthing say it second time, today, your flowers have been wet.

17:34Speaker 2:Oh my god, I like it when you refer to me as a flower. Do you think I'm a fairy?

17:44Speaker 1:You know that fairies actually have a really dark history to him, I do so.

17:48Speaker 2:No, Okay, my version of a fairy.

17:52Speaker 1:As in like a dainty little wisp flying around the property with that.

17:56Speaker 2:Oh that makes me feel good, like a tinker Bell fairy, not a dark fairy.

18:00Speaker 1:I believe. I do believe in fairies.

18:02Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you for asking at not asking, Thank you for answering my silly questions. I totally just hit you with would you love me if I was a worm?

18:13Speaker 1:Yeah? I guess you did.

18:14Speaker 2:Yep, and you went with it.

18:18Speaker 1:Ugh.

18:19Speaker 2:I'm loved, guys, my life is great. Thank you for loving me. You're welcome, all right, continuing. I think that's part of why this relationship means so much to me. Despite everything I'm about to share, I truly believe we love each other. We've talked about marriage, buying a home, and building a life together. Neither of us wants this relationship to fail. That's why I'm asking for help now instead of waiting until we're completely broken.

18:44Speaker 1:Okay, fuck with this.

18:47Speaker 2:This is what's up. We try to prevent the leak in building the house, not trying to fix the leak after the house is built in a family of five has moved in. Right, right, I'll start with myself because I know I'm not in a sense. I'm currently in therapy because I've realized I have anxious tendencies and relationships. If something feels quote unquote off, my brain immediately starts trying to solve it. I ask questions, I overthink, I analyze everything. I want to fix problems before they become bigger problems because uncertainty is incredibly uncomfortable for me. I'm pause here again. So I very much was this person in my past at one point in my past, and I want to touch on I want to fix problems before they become bigger problems. I'm going to pose a question right for the email or anybody who can relate to this. How many of those were actually problems? And how many of those were problems your anxiety created to perpetuate a self destructive cycle that then affected the relationship.

19:48Speaker 2:And I asked that because that's something that I had to face within myself a long time ago, that because of my anxious tendencies. I was creating problems where my partner was not upset at the time, and then because I was trying to fix things that did not exist, then they why are you doing this? You're pushing me away like this is too much? You are too much. That desperate grab to make yourself okay is a rough place to be. Does that makes sense? Yep?

20:16Speaker 1:I use the rule fives guys, five seconds, five minutes, five hours, five days, five weeks, five months, five years, and the grand scheme of whatever is going on in your life. Figure out where that falls, and then it acts accordingly. Five seconds mean your house is on fire and the support beam structure in the center of your roof is about to collapse on you kids on the other side of the house right. Five minutes means I got time to get everyone out of the house, including the dog and maybe some of the expensive items that we have before the roof collapses. Five hours means I got time to put the fire out. Five days means that the fire hasn't started yet. Five months, five weeks, whatever that means we got time to get insurance, we can reinsulate the home, we can fucking you know. Fire retard all kinds of shit on the property. Like, so you have to a the situation and figure out how much of your attention it actually needs real shit. A lot of you put such emphasis on things that doesn't need emphasis. If it's you know, if you're five days, five weeks, five months, like, this isn't a problem, right,

21:16Speaker 1:it's information that you now get to work through. Like you got a lot of fucking time in five weeks to figure some shit out. You know, I don't know, I don't uh Napoleon used to not open his mail and then somebody asked him, how come you don't ever open your mail? And he's like, well I do, but I let it sit for six months. And they're like, well, what if it's an emergency, He's like, well, if it's not resolved in six months, I'll deal with it. Most emergencies are going to work themselves out or they're going to become a real fucking emergency while you're there dealing with the shit. Most of the shit that you guys call emergencies isn't really an emergency. It's an inconvenience. But because your nervous system doesn't have to deal with things trying to fucking kill you the way that it did over the last two hundred thousand years. I believe it's a lot longer a number, but we're gonna get past that.

22:02Speaker 1:We are very cushy. So now a bad email or a dirty you know, a nasty text message from somebody or you know, your best friend having a nasty tone, feels like the end of the fucking world. It's not the end of the world. You're just soft.

22:15Speaker 2:Two things I wanted to touch on. One, Napoleon was a super fucked up dude, but what a queen for not opening his mail like that?

22:23Speaker 1:Why was he a fucked up dude?

22:24Speaker 2:He was very egotistical, he because I believe his height, like there was definitely trying to make up for that. And he was very disgusting towards Josephine.

22:36Speaker 1:I mean, we watched the Napoleon movie, but.

22:39Speaker 2:Yeah, that movie was I like that movie, but I don't think that it was like it didn't portray him in the way that he was accurately, like his grossness towards Josephine. Yeah, and then the other thing that I wanted to touch on, so to kind of just cycle back to the creating problems, to try and fix the problems, and it's pushing your partner away. I recognize that I was creating problems to try and fix them so that I would feel better. Because once I fix something, I'm okay.

23:09Speaker 2:My nervous system has an action to LATCHHN two. So think about that. You're creating problems to be able to fix the problem, because fixing the problem is what calms your anxiety down versus box breathing or meditation.

23:24Speaker 1:I'm gonna go blow my nose real quick.

23:25Speaker 2:Okay, all right, back to the email.

23:28Speaker 1:YEP.

23:29Speaker 2:I also have ADHD and take medication daily. Even with medication, my brain rarely slows down. I'm constantly planning, remembering, anticipating, organizing, and trying to stay several steps ahead. That was hard for me to say I'm not going back. Sometimes that's one of my greatest strengths. Other times it's absolutely exhausting. I've also realized something about myself that my therapists and I have been working on. I'm incredibly self aware, sometimes almost to a fault. Usually I know exactly why I'm feeling the way that I do, or I struggle isn't self awareness, it's mindfulness. I have tendencies to process my thoughts out loud. If something crosses my mind, I often say it before I really even considered whether it's the right time, the right wording, or whether it even needs to be said at all. I'm learning that being self aware and being mindful are two completely different skills. My partner is almost my complete opposite. When he's overwhelmed, he needs space. Oh no, I'm confused. You've confused me. When you said the complete opposite, I meant you thought he was gonna say that. He doesn't say anything out loud

24:36Speaker 2:and doesn't communicate. So are you saying that you are someone who doesn't need space and that you need proximity to feel better about something when you're upset.

24:44Speaker 1:Yeah, she's saying she's anxious attachment. He's avoidant. Okay.

24:47Speaker 2:She didn't describe that as needing to be around him, though she described it as over analyzing, asking questions, wanting to fix problems. I view that as a different type of anxious attaches versus somebody who like a follower. We need to finish this conversation now, like you can't leave me by myself. Those kinds of things.

25:05Speaker 1:I think both of those are anxious attachment. They're just a great scales.

25:08Speaker 2:Yeah, that's why I said, like a different level.

25:10Speaker 1:I think that somebody of following and doing what you just said is an extreme level of that. And like just hearing that is exhausting to me, especially as somebody who is naturally an avoidant, Like yeah, nope, I used to be.

25:24Speaker 2:That person, the follower. Okay, going on, he tends to process internally instead of verbally. All right, that's what I was looking at. He doesn't naturally think several steps ahead like I do. He's much more of we'll handle it when we get their type of person. You can probably already see our biggest issue.

25:42Speaker 1:I'm going to challenge your thought process emailer and say that you're assuming he doesn't think ahead when in reality he's not crossing bridges before it gets there. There's a difference between knowing a bridge is coming and mentally trying to cross that shit when you're still fifteen miles away from it. This is the rule of fives. You can't say that he doesn't think far ahead, not in his head. Right, you're not there, you don't know. There's a whole lot of I'm not gonna worry about this until I need to worry about this. Why would I pay a debt?

26:12Speaker 1:I don't know, worrying about something before there's a reason to worry. It increases your cortisol levels. It fucks with your sleep patterns, It fucks with your hormone levels. Like there's a whole lot of sickness that comes from being overly stressed out all the time, continuing, yep, hey, we had one hundred, one hundred.

26:31Speaker 2:When I feel disconnected, mine men nom nom nomena, Ma, mamma. When I feel disconnected, I move closer. I felt it. I felt you say weird.

26:46Speaker 1:I didn't know. I didn't no, nope, didn't think it either. What was it? I didn't think anything. No, Yeah, I was totally spacing out.

27:00Speaker 2:Is that what you do around me?

27:01Speaker 1:Sometimes you don't act like you fucking don't ignore my stems? Walk through the house every once in a while.

27:12Speaker 2:You do that.

27:12Speaker 1:I do it all the time.

27:13Speaker 2:I have never heard you do that.

27:15Speaker 1:Well, it's probably because the house is so big. Anytime I have like you know, when you when you feel like somebody stepped on your grave and you have that whole body. I make noises when that happens.

27:24Speaker 2:Why Have you never done this in front of me?

27:26Speaker 1:I have done it in front of you, and I've shook my hands and everything.

27:29Speaker 2:You've never made that noise.

27:30Speaker 1:You have not have, And I've even commented on it, because that's why my stepdad said, Retardo kills his enemies with nonsense. We've had that conversation because of me stemming.

27:40Speaker 2:Not that stem. We've had that conversation with like other stems, But I've never heard you.

27:46Speaker 1:It happens, It does happen. You want me to get your attention next time so you can see it.

27:52Speaker 2:Yeah, I feel like you're hiding a part of you from me. Are you doing this? Like in the peripheral I can't see what.

27:58Speaker 1:I could be in the kitchen and you could be in the living room and not here.

28:00Speaker 2:Right.

28:01Speaker 1:It does happen, though.

28:02Speaker 2:Okay, I don't know how I feel about you spacing out on me. I'm the greatest entertainment you're ever going to get. I'm the greatest good you ever gonna get. You remember that from The Incredibles. No, he's like, honey, where's my super soon?

28:14Speaker 1:Oh? Yeah, She's like, what.

28:17Speaker 2:For the greater good? Oh, I'm the greatest good. You're ever gonna get yep, love it good scene, Pay attention to me, all right? Continuing? When I feel disconnected, I move closer. When he feels overwhelmed, he moves away. The harder I pursue, the more pressure he feels. The more he pulls away, the more abandoned I feel. We become stuck in a cycle that neither of us seem to know how to break. One of the biggest struggles in our relationship is what I can only describe as the mental load. I constantly feel like I'm thinking for both of us. You feel that way, Yeah, This is usually a self imposed thing. Appointment, school, work, bills, custody, schedules, childcare, planning, family time, making sure everyone has what they need, trying to anticipate problems before they happen. My brain never really gets rest. So this is one of those things where I would put I don't know, I'd bet a whole New York cheese gape on the fact that you've probably lived your whole life with this mental process of things need to be done a certain way, right, And if you got into this relationship, maybe you were trying to

29:26Speaker 2:impress him or it felt good to take on these kinds of things because it was feeding into your ADHD of being able to organize and file and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Like, now you're at a point where I can't do this anymore, right, And unless you've had the conversations of I need help or was there a division of labor when you guys got into a relationship, if he's lived this whole relationship with like, oh, she's got it with what he perceived as enthusiasm because you enjoy scheduling things or tedious tasks or whatever the case may be, He's gonna think that you're okay with this unless you speak up. And I'm not saying that that's how this played out. It's just a added perspective to see a different lens through. Oh that makes sense.

30:11Speaker 1:Yeah, you don't spend you know, an entire relationship doing something and not expect to just be the way things are. The idea that you know, she's been doing this the entire time and now she's got a problem with it. You play to your strengths. Yeah, So, like there's a whole lot of things that you are just naturally good at because of your ADHD. That you should be continuing to do. All of the things that's listed though, is a mental exhaustion, and it's things that you simply can say, hey, I need you to take this off my plate.

30:40Speaker 2:Right.

30:40Speaker 1:This isn't a hard physical labor thing. It's making phone calls and making sure that schedules are remembered and you can literally put that in a Google calendar and Google will remember that shit for you so that neither one of you have to This situation is a weird thing for me, Yeah, because I think a lot of this is self imposed.

30:57Speaker 2:I agree as somebody who's experienced this. It was for me self imposed. I was doing all of this to myself because that was the survival mode that I was in. It was also kind of like a brainwashing.

31:10Speaker 1:Uh.

31:11Speaker 2:I felt like I was watching myself third person, do these things. I wasn't living my life. I was living a robotic survival mode and breaking that cycle was recognizing that I can fucking control me. Like it sucked to have to rewire my nervous system and do uncomfortable things and sit in that discomfort until my nervous system calm back down and I was able to register Okay, I am Okay, I am capable, I can keep myself safe and all those kinds of things. There was also this level of do or die for me. The world's not gonna end, but my world is going to end if I don't get these things done. And the first time that I let my clothes sit in the dryer and not put them the way the same night, I had a whole panic attack, Like I had to force myself to sit on the couch and be like, the clothes are not going to get moldy. You did two different dry cycles. They can sit in the dryer. You're exhausted, you've worked sixty hours today, the kids are finally asleep, Sit on the couch and relax. And it was not relaxing.

32:06Speaker 2:It was fucking terrible. But now, I mean, my husband does our laundry now because I asked him for help. But there were times that we lived out getting our clothes out of the dryer because our life gets busy to a peak in the week and then it dips off and I don't even second think it.

32:20Speaker 1:Now I never second think it. Yeah, this is what I'm talking about with it being self imposed, to though these are this is things that it's only a problem if you make it a problem. Yeah, I real shit, Like I can live. I don't need paper or I don't need plates and cups and bulls. Most of the time I am like I would live like a typical bachelor if it was just the two of us, like I would. Everything that got cooked would get cooked on a paper towel, a microwave. It's a time thing, it's a laziness thing. It's I don't want to clean up after this thing. Like, all of that doesn't matter to me.

32:52Speaker 1:The laundry being in the dryer doesn't matter to me. The dish is being in the sink doesn't fucking matter to me unless there's bugs in the house, right, So, like you, you have a different clean standard than I do. If I was single and it was just me and there was no kids that know you, no dog, the house would be very different because I'd be bored out of my fucking mind sitting here by myself all day. There's a whole lot of entertainment to be had when there's just the two of us, not just like because we enjoy our lives, but because of sexy time and we leave the house sometimes and we record and like we have a lot of really dope experiences throughout the day, and I would rather have that than chores.

33:28Speaker 2:I agree, So yep, continuing, my brain never really gets to rest. Meanwhile, my partner would probably say I worry too much and make life harder than it has to be because I'm always thinking about the next thing.

33:41Speaker 1:I agree, Yeah, I agree too. We talked about on one of the things that we recorded recently about how before there was a washing machine or a dishwasher, that was an all day process to do those tasks. Cooking was a bigger deal than it needed to because you had to go to the grocery store every day, like there was a whole lot that went into that.

34:01Speaker 2:It doesn't have to stoke fires to cook.

34:03Speaker 1:Right. Then we got to the ability to push a button and the button did all the work, and then we found other things to fill our time. So even if you took some of the shit off of your plate because of the way your brain works, you're going to fill that void with new things and the cycle is going to continue. Yes, and eventually there's going to be nobody there that can take the items off of your plate because they're all your items. Now you have continued to refill that cup until it can't hold anymore.

34:31Speaker 1:Then you're gonna be stressed and burnt out because you didn't learn how to self regulate. So what you need to do in this situation is not worry about pawning off responsibilities to other people. It's about time management, learning how to meditate, learning how to get your head to calm down, slow down, whatever the case may be, and then move forward that way.

34:49Speaker 2:So what are things that you would recommend to helping calm the brain down?

34:52Speaker 1:Meditation, breathing, box breathing, Yeah, box breathing, meditation.

34:58Speaker 2:Journaling, I think would help a lot.

34:59Speaker 1:Yeah. So when you start feeling yourself get overwhelmed, you can, like I can pick a spot on the wall and just stare at it, and anytime a thought comes in, I can think black circle, and I can make it so that there are no thoughts in my brain. And like, if I'm really having like a high stress day, I will close my eyes and picture a white field with a black dot on it, And as I focus on the dot, I will make it bigger in my mind until there is nothing but blackness in my mind. And while I'm doing that, I'm focusing on my breathing. But that is a clean slate. It's like pressing the reset button on a video game, back to even keel, and now I get to organize my thought processes as I see fit.

35:42Speaker 2:Really, Yes, I love hearing how your brain works. I have a garden in my mind, a garden in my mind. Just shut all that shit down like a projector on a movie screen. It goes black, and then I'm in a garden. Now I'm touching willow trees, and there's a little pond with coyfish, and all I'm thinking about is how dope it is to live in my body right now and think I'm not thinking about anything else. Yeah, I love it when they do that. I always takes pictures of them with their mouth open. Feed me continuing.

36:16Speaker 1:Yep.

36:17Speaker 2:Honestly, I think we're both right. Another issue is priorities. Okay, I want to pause. So I think we're both right. So by your both being right, you mean your partner would say that you worry too much and you constantly feel like you're thinking for the both of you. Because if that is, if my assumption is correct, that that is what you mean on we're both correct. We're both, right. I think that that is perspective of you. Unless this guy is like super lazy and he's not willing to I'm assuming because you said a blended family and you had a child with a previous man who no longer wants to be a part of the child's life, he also has a child, like, unless he's like, fuck that bitch, I'm not one to drop her off and you decide to do that, right, You don't have to do that.

37:05Speaker 2:That's a choice to do that. The other parent can come and pick up a child, whatever the case may be. That's a self imposed thing. But if he is that kind of person where he's he's missing phone calls and he's texting you like, hey, the doctor just called me, can you call them back? And that is a repetitive thing and fill in the blank for other lazy adult things. I can understand how you're thinking for the both of you. If you mean you're thinking for the both of you, that he's not jumping onto the anxious boat with you and trying to plan things three months ahead. I wouldn't want my husband to live that way. I know living this way can suck at times, so there needs to be a level of are you viewing this emotionally or are you viewing this? I don't want to say realistically, because realistically, like what's fucking real? Right, Logically, there we go.

37:57Speaker 2:Logically works. Did I land that air?

38:00Speaker 1:Yeah?

38:00Speaker 2:I'm like Amelia, No, I'm so sorry. I had to say it. Okay, she landed the plane. She just didn't do a very good job of it. Yeah. No, I was thinking of the plane crash before he even took off.

38:11Speaker 1:It hitting the ground is landing. That's true. It's just not a good job of it.

38:15Speaker 2:Yeah, Okay, so sorry? Was that too soon? The idea of oh no, I'm so sorry? Was it the jumping on the boat and being anxious?

38:27Speaker 1:You said that if the doctor calls, he doesn't answer the phone and says, hey, I need you to call the doctor. That's what you said something along that. Yeah, we have responsibilities that we deal with. I would never ask you to call the mortgage company, right, but I'm not going to get on the phone with a fucking vet when the vet calls.

38:45Speaker 2:Right.

38:46Speaker 1:There is a level of plane to strengths that I had stated earlier that needs to be focused on. You have things that you're good at doing. If you were like, can you call the kids doctor? No, I can't. I've never had a conversation with these people. You're gonna give me information and to relay, knowing that I can barely remember your fucking burger king order or what you get from wah wah when we go and you tell me every time we walk in, and you expect me to do this effectively, and then when I don't, you're gonna be upset and you're gonna have to call them. Anyways, I'm gonna be upset because I didn't do what I was supposed to do, because I forgot. It's going to create a problem in my brain. Now we're at odds.

39:20Speaker 1:Why don't you just call and deal with a doctor. This is you play to your strengths. You getting upset because he doesn't do these things. Has he ever done these things? If you've always done them, This is your job, whether it's been spoken or not, if you have been doing this the entire relationship at your job. There are things that it just doesn't fall on my plate. There's things that just don't fall on your plate.

39:44Speaker 2:Touch the trash cans for the first time in like four years. Both of them were behind my bronco. Oh yeah, And I had to back out of the driveway and I had just asked you to do something else inside the house. I'm like, I'm not gonna have my husband stop what he's doing inside to come move the trash cans, right, So I moved the trash cans, and I like, I stood there and I looked at them and I was like, I know I'm not my husband like, don't be scared, guy, I'm a little scared. I hope there's not spiders on you, but will be okay real in my mind, okay, maybe I whispered, why are you judging me?

40:15Speaker 1:Judging? And I was just curious you were actually out there talking to yourself or the garbage cans. I because you do shit like that, so I was curious if that was actually happening or if you were just trying to be funny for the podcast.

40:27Speaker 2:It did actually happened, but I put on this. I felt put on the spot, like you were judging me, so I said, it happened in my mind. Okay, I'm sorry for fibbing. Continuing. Another issue is priorities. My partner has hobbies that genuinely make him happy, and I don't want him to lose those parts of himself. I don't want him to stop seeing his friends or stop doing the things that make him feel alive. But there's no butt. She just continues to say. Where I struggle is that sometimes I feel like our plans becomes the easiest things to move. If we make plans together and something else comes up, I often end up feeling like I'm the one expected to understand way or adjust when I try to explain that he hears criticism, he hears that I'm saying he isn't enough. That's honestly not what I'm trying to say. I'm trying to say. I want our relationship to feel protected too. Okay, So she moves on to a different point after that, So do you have anything to touch on there?

41:24Speaker 1:I actually do, Okay. The idea of us moving our plans around because it's easier than moving other plans makes sense. We are going to have a good day no matter what we do. I am just as content stay at home and turning my fucking phone off as I would be going to something. Actually, that's a lie. I would rather just stay home. I would rather not go out and do shit with people. I prefer to be in our home with our artificial environment, watching the TV that we want to watch, holding each other, fucking whatever it is that we're deciding to do in our living room without other humans around, because that's way more enjoyable to me than having go do something. If something came up and we had to cancel plans, most of the time it's going to be an easier conversation with you then it will be with other people. Because you and I live a very similar life. We are one flesh. We operate on the same team. Now, if this is we had a date plan for three months and we were gonna go see a show and something came up, trying to get me to cancel that show versus canceling the plans with somebody else is a different conversation. But on

42:25Speaker 1:day to day things like there's times where we just don't want to do shit. She didn't give an example as to what it was, right.

42:33Speaker 2:So I am now going to make things up because there are no examples. My thought process in this is, I agree with my husband right. It is much easier for us to move things around than it is to move around my buddy, who I haven't seen him fifteen years flying in and he's part of our friend group, and like they want to go out to a football game, right right, I'm gonna ask if we can move something for that. I don't want to miss on it because I know the rest of my friend group is going to go hang out with this guy, and I'm going to be the odd bot, like I'm missing like core memories being made on this night because who knows if he's ever going to be able to make it back over here again. Also, I would have an issue with this if it was a consistent thing and all of a sudden in the last eight months we haven't done anything private together. That would be built up, frustration built up.

43:21Speaker 2:I'm constantly tossed with the wayside, I don't feel like I'm a priority to you because you're putting bar nights over me. And right now, if this was like the guys asked me to hang out tonight, are you cool with going out tomorrow night instead? Word right? But I would also expect, like, hey, the last three times you've canceled our dates and I really want to do something with you tonight, I would expect it to be like, hey, babe, you're right like I have canceled on you the last three fucking times we try to do something together. There's a difference between seeing each other every day and fucking seeing somebody for an hour straight without distraction.

43:56Speaker 1:Yeah. Also, oh sorry, the issue and that's not the canceled plans. The issue in that is the loneliness. Yeah, it's the disconnect that's happening between two people because you are prioritizing other things. It's a very different conversation though.

44:09Speaker 2:Yeah, this is totally off topic. You said our artificial environment when we move the living room around. Is that still something we're intending to do?

44:20Speaker 1:Yeah?

44:20Speaker 2:Can we paint the living room? No?

44:25Speaker 1:Because of the ceiling, I'm cool. Well, why maybe we could paint to the crown okay, with that whole arc in the center. I'm not standing on a thirty foot ladder, okay, And I'm not going to paint the living room. I'm going to message Mike and ask him if you'll trade me a graphics card to paint my living room. Oh. I'm going to do that right now.

44:43Speaker 2:As a matter of fact, I would like it like a dark ever forest green. What do you think of that?

44:47Speaker 1:We'll figure that out. Another time, not while we're recording.

44:51Speaker 2:What if I stood on a thirty foot.

44:53Speaker 1:That's not going to happen. I don't want to paint the I don't want to do that. I understand, do you? Because you've asked me to paint the inside of that thing a lot and I've told you know every time and you continue to ask.

45:03Speaker 2:Well, you just said you're not willing to stand on a thirty foot ladder, so that sounded like maybe you were open to painting it.

45:08Speaker 1:You are afraid of heights.

45:10Speaker 2:Okay. I wasn't talking about painting the ceiling. I was just talking about painting the walls in there.

45:15Speaker 1:Yeah, the walls. I'm okay with painting the inside of that thing where that chandelier hangs. In the event that we ever sell the house, Like that's going to cost a lot because you're gonna have to get a lift in here to paint that. It's just not worth it.

45:30Speaker 2:I want to enjoy our artificial environment. Are you cool with fake plants in the house?

45:36Speaker 1:Can we can we do this after we're done with the email.

45:40Speaker 2:If one of us remembers to have the conversation.

45:42Speaker 1:You make yourself a note.

45:43Speaker 2:Okay. Social media has also become an issue. Earlier in my life, I created online content that brought attention. I step away from most of that because this relationship matters more to me than internet validation ever could.

45:57Speaker 1:So, then why didn't you step away from all of it? You said, I stepped away from most of it? So are you still making thirst trap content? Or are you making other type of content? Because all content gets you attention.

46:08Speaker 2:The next sentence explains that I still enjoy posting tattoos, motorcycles, creative content, and documenting life because I genuinely enjoy creating. From his perspective, some of that attention feels disrespectful.

46:21Speaker 1:Yeah, so okay, As somebody who rides motorcycles and has tattooed my entire life, posting a picture of a tattoo to show your work is not the same thing as is showing you tattooing with your tits half out, or being provocatively dressed while in the tattoo shop to show that you're a tattoo artist, or sitting in a bikini on a motorcycle. You can post a picture of the motorcycle. Saw a video of a link in Continental the other day that was done up, done the fuck up. I watched that video like three times because it's one of my dream cars. I know I'll never own it because it's from the sixties and to find one in that shape, you're looking at a quarter of a million dollars easy.

47:00Speaker 1:But that car was so fucking sexy and there was no one in it, no people, not a single person in the entire video. It was just a car. Can't give can't give attention to somebody. If you're giving attention to the vehicle, it's not the same thing. Yep.

47:14Speaker 2:There's a difference between posting creative content and posting yourself right selling the creative content right right posting tattoos. So my husband gave the perspective of being the tattoo artist. Now are you showing off your tattoos? And how does that look?

47:31Speaker 1:I got an ad yesterday for a woman who looked like she was covered in Friday the thirteenth tattoos, and she was obviously trying to sell whatever her product was. But the entire ad was a woman laying and underwear with no braw on like this.

47:44Speaker 2:What the fuck?

47:45Speaker 1:It was on Facebook? Like it was a whole ass ad with her laying like this covered in shitty Friday the thirteenth Tattoos. I have no idea what the ad was about because I saw it and I was like next, Like, I don't need to see this shit.

47:59Speaker 2:What a world creating for our children?

48:01Speaker 1:Yeah, we know that that sex marketing sells products. You look at like all of the Budweiser girls and the beer girls from the eighties and nineties, like there was a level of sex that got people's attention to make them watch to sell the product. Now the interactions have become much shorter. Commercials used to be thirty to forty five seconds. Now you got six seconds to keptch someone's attention. And if you're if you are a go to is sex, people have to figure out what the fuck it is that you're selling. For people like me, You're never gonna land an ad because I'm scrolling past that shit. I think it's super inappropriate. If the tattoos were good tattoos, that might have caught my eye, because good tattoos are rare.

48:41Speaker 1:But like even that, like seeing somebody half naked like that is inappropriate as fuck. If I saw a dude standing in his boxer shorts, same thing covered in shitty tattoos. I'm scrolling now. If I saw somebody covered in Jesse Levitt's tattoos, I would probably stop and look at those tattoos, because he's a phenomenal fucking two artists. But that's the difference of looking at a five year old's crayon drawing and a Dolly painting. You know, I don't know. People don't do that though. They're using the body and the sex to sell the product, and you have no idea what the fucking product is continuing.

49:14Speaker 2:Yeah, from his perspective, some of that attention feels disrespectful. From mine, it feels like every time I adjust something, another concern replaces it. I don't think either of us is trying to control the other. I think we're trying to protect the relationship in completely different ways. I think you are not adding enough context of this, because I do think that is a controlling thing. If you change the way you are posting and he still finds something the bitch about, that's manipulation.

49:42Speaker 1:Okay, what if she changed something but the behavior that he wanted changed continued. So what if there's the post, are men in the comments talking about how fucking hot you are or how great, your ass looks, and you change the type of content, but the comments in the section the and the comment section continues. Would that change your thought process on that?

50:06Speaker 2:Men say that to me now, and I don't post things like that, right, So that's an insecurity in him. It depends on what's continuing to be posted. Can't control what other people are saying, and you can't get mad at her about that.

50:18Speaker 1:Yeah, people do say a whole lot of inappropriate shit to you.

50:22Speaker 2:Yeah.

50:23Speaker 1:They didn't answer my question, though, what was the question He has a problem, assuming that he has a problem with the behavior of the comment section, Maybe he is insecure. Maybe he doesn't like that she's getting attention from fifty thousand fucking dudes and he is feeling inadequate because I can't compete with the internet either. I could tell you're beautiful all day long, and I can crush you and rub your feet and do all of those things, but I cannot compete with the internet. If that attention is somehow filling something in you, and if I noticed that you were, this was not my question. This is the elaboration of my question. If I noticed that you were allowing those comments to inflate your sense of self worth or deflate your sense of self worth, and it started creating tension between us, and I was trying to get that behavior to stop, and we had conversations about what you were posting, and you changed what you were posting, but the behavior continued, and I still had a problem with the behavior. The issue wasn't the content that was being posted. It was the attention that you were getting.

51:25Speaker 1:So if the attention that you're getting is the problem and that doesn't change, is he insecure or wrong for asking that bar to be moved because what he was originally asking for was never fixed.

51:37Speaker 2:I don't understand what you're asking me. If what do you mean her behavior? If she's posting things that's a problem for him, and she's, for example, is not posting herself anymore, and she's just posting pictures of painting. What behavior has not.

51:50Speaker 1:Changed the behavior of the internet.

51:53Speaker 2:I don't understand what you're asking.

51:55Speaker 1:Okay, don't worry about it. I don't want to continue to rephrase the question. It's not about her, It's about the way that people conduct themselves on our page, because it's it's been Okay, if for the last six years of her life. People have been super fucking inappropriate in the comments, and she's never addressed that she's in a relationship, now married, or whatever the case may be. And he's got a problem with the way that people are treating her, and she's changed the way that she's posting, but has not addressed the fact that people are being fucking creeps and that behavior continues. Is he insecure or wrong for asking the bar to continue to be moved because what his issue is is not the things she's posting, it's the behavior being conducted in the comment section.

52:34Speaker 2:Like her interactions, or the lack of her giving, or the lack of her saying, like, guys, I'm in a relationship, back the fuck off.

52:39Speaker 1:I mean, that's definitely part of it. It's all hypothetical though we have no idea what's going on. Okay, I was just trying to understand on a different level, because if you were, the comments that you get in the comment section doesn't bother me. Everyone fucking knows that we're together and you don't engage with that shit. But if your heart reacting people saying you got a fat ass, or you're giggling, and you're responding to these things, and you are encouraging that behavior.

53:03Speaker 2:That's a problem.

53:03Speaker 1:It is a fucking problem. And if I was like, you need to stop posting things like that, and you stop posting things like that, but then you post TikTok dance videos and you're getting the same fucking attention. Doesn't matter that you changed what you were posting, You're still getting the attention. Yeah, that's what I'm getting at.

53:18Speaker 2:Nope, that's the same thing, just in a different font. Right, continuing, Yep, we've both been through some incredibly dark things in life. Without going into detail, we both experienced traumatic childhoods and relationships before finding each other. I think we both genuinely want peace now. The problem is that our survival mechanisms are completely different. Mine says, figure it out, fix it, talk about it. His says, back away, calm down, handle it later.

53:45Speaker 1:I'm nothing wrong with that approaching thing from a calmological mind state.

53:49Speaker 2:Right that first one. I'm sorry, I mean to interrupt you. Do you have anything to add to that?

53:53Speaker 1:You're gonna know that was my statement.

53:55Speaker 2:Uh, the figure it out, fix it, talk about it sounds like anxiety. Yeah, the back away, calm down and handle it later sounds like a regulated nervous system.

54:04Speaker 1:Yeah, someone in the chat said his insecurities are not her problem. I strongly disagree with that. If you are married, or you were in a committed relationship and you were talking about getting married, your partner's insecurities are absolutely your problem because the way you conduct yourself is going to feed those insecurities or it's going to feed security, and your behavior matters just as much as the Internet or anything else that goes on in that situation. You saying that your insecurities are not my problem, that's basically being like, I don't care that you don't like this, get over it.

54:39Speaker 1:Instead of going I understand that this bothers you. Let me try to find ways to make our life an even keel. If my wife was doing something that I viewed as disrespectful or it made me feel insecure about our relationship and we talked about it and she's like, that's not my problem. Right on, I know where I sit in our relationship. Now, I appreciate this conversation. I will address I will I will move forward accordingly. This is going to destroy the is absolutely destroy your relationship.

55:09Speaker 1:You You absolutely are responsible for your partners in securities, especially if you were doing things that makes them men secure.

55:16Speaker 2:Continuing, Yep, neither of us is trying to hurt the other. We're trying to survive in the only ways we've learned. The hardest part is that when we're good, we're really good. He's affectionate. He reaches from my hand while we're driving, he tells me I'm beautiful. He makes me laugh. He works incredibly hard. I seen him reflect after arguments instead of pretending nothing happened. I know he loves me, and I know he would probably say that I love deeply too.

55:39Speaker 2:I support him. I fight for us sometimes maybe too hard. That's what makes us so painful. Okay, hang on, what you fight for us? What? What are you fighting for? Something means it can be taken away. My mind just went to the House of Dragons. They're fighting and having a war because they're trying to take land away from each other. They're trying to take power away from each other. There is conflict in fighting. My husband and I don't have to fight for each other. It is daily choosing, and we are very assured in each other that this there's no other option.

56:15Speaker 1:Right.

56:15Speaker 2:Divorce is off the table. That is not a word within our vocabulary. Bitch, we're gonna figure this out. You can be mad at me, will You're gonna be mad at me, and we're gonna watch our TV show together.

56:26Speaker 1:It's I like what you just said. There is no other option that that's so much stronger than divorce is off the table. There is no other option. This is it. This is the end of eternity, not this life, but all the ones that follow. Like, there's that that is when you really think about that, that is way more powerful than then. We don't talk about divorce. Yeah, I want to let you know that my hamstring hurts really bad and it's making my back hurt.

56:56Speaker 2:I'm so sorry. Thank you for yourself sacrifices.

57:00Speaker 1:It's so stupid.

57:07Speaker 2:You know what a fun injury? Oh fuck continuing yep, that's what makes us so painful. We're not questioning, we're questioning.

57:23Speaker 1:It's a questioning.

57:25Speaker 2:No, my mind actually went to equestrians, like people who like horses. What the fuck?

57:31Speaker 1:It's funny.

57:33Speaker 2:We're not questioning whether love exists. We're questioning why love doesn't seem to protect us from hurting each other. It's because love doesn't protect you from hurting each other. It's a choice. Love is not this this mystical force that all of the sudden everything is right and marry In life, you are you are the force.

57:54Speaker 1:I am only forced the forces with me.

57:55Speaker 2:Yeah, you you, You are making choices to hurt each other. That is what's happening continuing. This is the biggest realization I've had in this recently. I think my deepest fear is not feeling chosen. I think his deepest fear is feeling like he'll never be enough. So I want to pause. My deepest fear is not feeling chosen. You already said you don't feel chosen. So your fear is real. You're living the reality of what your fear is. His deepest fear is feeling like he'll never be enough. That's not a fear he has told you. I feel like I'm not enough. You guys, are living the reality of your deepest fears. You've manifested it. You are living the life that you were scared of. That's crazy. So when I say I need more partnership, he hears I'm failing, which he is by choosing other people over you continuously. If that's what's happening, right when he says I need space, I hear you're losing me, which you are because you are not honoring the fact that he needs to calm down for a minute, right, Like, this is the self imposed self destructive cycle that needs to be disrupted, and it's going to make you, guys feel uncomfortable. The way

59:00Speaker 2:that we solve this this is my husband and I to a t. My husband will give me a forty five second hug and a forehead kiss, and then I will leave him alone for forty five minutes so he can get a nervous system to regulate. This is a give and take in having grace and understanding. You guys are kind of being selfish right now in your own ways.

59:17Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah, there's definitely a lack of understanding of nervous systems and what it takes to regulate these things. It's also important to recognize that coregulation is a thing like your nervous system. Your emotions are regulated by the people around you. And if you're in a committed relationship and your person's off, you're off.

59:34Speaker 2:You guys are feeding off of each other, right. Neither one of those is actually what the other person is trying to communicate. So my questions are, Okay, so that tells me you guys aren't listening. You are just listening to have your feelings hurt. You need to hear what the person's actually saying and not what you're scared of. How fucked up is that?

59:54Speaker 1:Selfish?

59:54Speaker 2:Right? I'm not hearing what you're saying. All I'm hearing is my abandonment. All I'm hearing is the suffocation of you. Y'all need to take a step back and recognize even when you are in conflict, this isn't doctor Jackyll and mister Hyde. This is still the person you woke up next to this morning saying I love you, I'm so grateful you're in my life, and all those kinds of things. All right, So my questions are, how do two people with opposite coping styles stop triggering each other's deepest wounds?

1:00:20Speaker 1:Those aren't coping styles, their nervous system attachment styles. It's not the same thing. Yes, that's not the same thing. I hang on. Okay, So to answer the question that was just asked, this book The Power of Attachment by Diane pool Heller, PhD. Gets into the attachment styles really really well. And this is the only attachment style book that I have read that has caught my attention enough for me to actually understand the attachment styles. And it's really good read. It gives you examples on how to repair with your attachments attachment style. So if you're somebody who is anxious and you're afraid of abandonment, there are tips and tricks inside of this book that you can use to implement in your life when you start to feel that, so that you can work through it. I didn't write this book. I'm still reading this book. I'm only about three quarters away through it, so I'm not going to tell you how to do that shit she already has. You can get an audible Amazon whatever. It will be on a recommended reading list eventually. That's my answer to that first question.

1:01:20Speaker 2:Next question, how does he create emotional security without feeling like he has to constantly prove himself? So this isn't just a hem thing. Nobody will ever be able to soothe you the way that you soothe yourself. And that was a very very very hard lesson for me to learn, and it took my second miscarriage for me to recognize that if you are not capable of calming yourself down and recognizing what you need in the moment, you will never feel satiated by your partner. And that's a very unrealistic expectation to put on somebody. How does he create emotional security without feeling like he has to constantly prove himself.

1:02:00Speaker 2:I don't know. I don't know what you need emotionally.

1:02:02Speaker 1:He doesn't create the emotional security in the relationship. If he needs to feel emotional secure, you are the one that creates the emotional security in the relationship. If you are anxious attachment and he's avoidant, and every time something goes wrong, you become crazy, needy, stocky, following around up his ass and he needs space, and he's now on his heel, swinging for the fences, trying to stay on his feet because of your reaction to what's happening. There's no way for the nervous system to calm down. In this Secure attachment looks like knowing you're okay. It's being able to have the hard conversations and it not becoming a fight. It's knowing that if you guys have a have I said halfed, if you guys have a disagreement, that disagreement is going to be resolved without massive amounts of conflict or ugly, that it's just an honest conversation, and that we are not going to be reactive or punish each other. Secure relationships take two people. You can have security in your self and have somebody come into your life and fuck your entire life up. It happens.

1:03:05Speaker 1:It happens all the time. There's a difference between not tolerating somebody else's bullshit and having that level of security. But when you are working from other attachment styles to a secure attachment style, it takes both partners continuing.

1:03:20Speaker 2:Yep, how do we divide the mental load more fairly without either of us feeling criticize or taking granted? Taken for granted?

1:03:27Speaker 1:Create a chore list, the distribution of chores, distribution of labor. Yeah, because that's easy. These are all the things that I deal with every day. Which ones can you take off my plate? This is super easy conversation. You write that shit down a stick it on the refrigerator.

1:03:44Speaker 2:Most importantly, how do you know the difference between two people who are compatible and two people who simply haven't learned how to love each other in the way the other person actually needs for me. That would look like the person being willing to change their actions the same way that I'm willing to change mine in order to find the homeostasis of comfortability and conflict. When I recognize that me being around you and trying to be physical or talk to you when you are trying to regulate your nervous system was too much for you, I backed off right And when you recognized that I wouldn't fucking leave you alone until I got a hug or a forehead kiss, you adapted that first hug of you holding me and like me suppressing my sobbing. Me suppressing my sobbing was very hard to do. But I know that women crying makes you uncomfortable, right, So there was a level of I could feel that you didn't want to do that, right, like it was fighting every survival instinct in your body to hold me in that minute. But you did it, and now it's second nature. Don't even have to think about it. It is. We just had

1:04:45Speaker 2:a little tiff. I'm going to get held for a minute. My husband needs forty five minutes, and then our day carries on.

1:04:50Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah, So understanding what your partner needs and being willing to serve them over yourself. Yeah, someone in the chat said, what about what she needs though it's been a lot if she is doing everything wrong and should be accountable for everything with him just being a response in the room, he affected things too, I don't I don't understand. I don't think that that's been the case at all. In this we have somebody that's writing in and asking questions. If he was on the other side of this, we would be addressing a whole lot of the shit that he's doing. The problem is is somebody wrote in has given their perception of what's actually happening, and we have no idea if that's actually what's happening.

1:05:27Speaker 2:I also feel like we commented a lot on how he could have definitely been fucking this up to.

1:05:32Speaker 1:We actually have quite a bit. You talked to you, You gave a whole lot of examples about how he could be, you know, abandoning her for other people and all of that. This this is one of those things. To the person that said that it's time to get your journal out and start journaling to figure out why you feel the way you feel right now.

1:05:47Speaker 2:I really don't understand what that was asking you, guys are are.

1:05:53Speaker 1:When you write in and you are trying to get our opinion on things. We have your verbiage, We have your person of the situation, and at the end of the day, the only person that you are responsible for and the only person that you can change is you. Anything beyond that is hopium. Yes, if somebody wanted change, they would have wrote in with you, right, there's a whole lot of accountability to be had across both sides of this. But we don't know his perception of things, and if he was writing in, we'd be telling him he was wrong. Same way that when when you guys write in, if we think that you're doing something wrong, we tell you. If we think that you're doing something right, we tell you.

1:06:32Speaker 2:Can you scroll up in the chat a little bit? I saw someone ask me a question, Uh, pig's do you believe this answer? You just gave us something that takes practice slash trying different things until it works, Like can't always get it right on the first try. No one is perfect. Do you mean the example that I just gave of, like the real life example of my husband and I because I said it was difficult, I said it was difficult, right.

1:06:52Speaker 1:We were.

1:06:53Speaker 2:Yeah, it took a lot to adapt to that, and yeah, there's a lot.

1:06:57Speaker 1:So the question is is if it takes you were going to get it wrong. Yeah, we got it wrong first time. You were like the first time after we had conflict, you were like, I was in here crying and you didn't hug me. And I was like, yeah, and I'm not gonna like we're at odds right now. The last thing I want is to be touched. You're like, well, I need that compression to make it feel like you're not abandoning me and that we're together and this is going to work. And we had to have an entire conversation about that, because without that conversation, you would have walked up to try to hug me and I'd have been like, don't touch me. That would have actually happened, Like had we not had that discussion in me to be able to understand that our universe is vastly different and the way that we need repair, that could have been really bad. Like when you think about it, it could have been because.

1:07:41Speaker 2:I probably would have never come to you with anything again after that, right.

1:07:44Speaker 1:Right, that would have been a massive fuck you to your nervous system. It would have strained the relationship, Like there has to be conversations about what you need. If you expect your person to serve you, you have to be able to deliver it in a way that is not an attack on them. That situation, specifically, when you said that, I did feel like it was an attack on me, Like, because we're at odds right now, what fuck do you mean? Why didn't I hug you? Like? And I got defensive, but it took some talking through, but it changed the perspective on things. I understand now obviously looking back on it, especially while we're not in conflict, I understand that that had nothing to do with you being mad at me.

1:08:20Speaker 1:You were trying to understand why I didn't want the same thing that you did. Same reason that I didn't hug you in the moment was because I thought you wanted the same thing I did. We believe that everyone perceives the world around us the same way we do, especially when we're angry, right, because we get done.

1:08:35Speaker 2:When you get angry, right, our IQ drop is our energy goes elsewhere like adrenaline, yeah, and preparing our body for fight or flight yep. Our level of intelligence that we have as human beings has come from the fact that we no longer have to primally survive like other animals do. We have created e Stop that shame. Don't touch me. You just looked, asshole. Don't do it. I love you, but don't touch me.

1:09:05Speaker 1:Poor little girl.

1:09:06Speaker 2:Oh, I know she's so abandoned. Let her look at you.

1:09:09Speaker 1:She was I'm not worried about that. And she eats her shit. She looks you afterwards. You have no idea.

1:09:13Speaker 2:I no, I do know. I can smell it.

1:09:15Speaker 1:Yep.

1:09:17Speaker 2:Fuck what was I saying? She distracted me with that nasty sound. Fuck, babe, help me.

1:09:21Speaker 1:What was I saying? Uh? We are intelligent?

1:09:26Speaker 2:Yes, thank you. We are intelligent beings because we have been able to facilitate our life where we can expend our energy elsewhere, like learning and adapting and gaining new skills. We have mainstreamed our life so much. Like you said, it used to take a day to do laundry. We'd have to beat that shit on a rock and then hang it up to clothes dry, like we have to sit.

1:09:50Speaker 1:At one point, not only did you have to do that, you had to go collect the lion shit first. Yeah, it was an all day process to clean your clothes. Yep.

1:09:58Speaker 2:Our lives used to be very, very hard, so education was not a priority. Now we live a life where I'm surprised that we don't have more people like Sheldon Cooper and fucking Leonard and all those people like there. We should have big brains at this point. The fact that we are regressing in our intelligence because of phones and TikTok and technology and not the fact that we're running for our lives and having to hunt and gather for our food is insane to me. Squandering it all right, to wrap up the email, I'm not writing in because i want someone to tell me I'm right. I'm writing because I want to become better. I want him to become better. More than anything, I want us to become better.

1:10:39Speaker 2:Thank you both for taking time to read this.

1:10:42Speaker 1:So you both need to read the book I posted. I showed you you need to implement check ins, and when you implement your check ins, you need to have a predetermined thing that you're going to address, and like after the first week, you do another check in the following week, you do a recap of the changes that have been implemented since the last Friday. Right Friday night. We're doing check ins now. So first Friday, you list out all the things that you need to talk about.

1:11:07Speaker 1:You organize it in a way that it is non combative. These are things that we could do to serve each other better. These are things that I would like to see happen moving forward. This is a distribution of labor that I would like to have rewritten. These are the things that I need when I'm feeling anxious, These are the things that I need when I'm feeling abandoned. And then you guys have your check in the next Friday, you go through and you start your check in with a follow up of all of the things that you implemented last week and how you're doing on a scale of one to five, five star Google review, that's the best one. I want five stars. If I get a three, that's something I need to work on. If I get a one, it's one I obviously forgot right. And if a week is not long enough for you to see change, then you do it them every two weeks. But you need to start implementing that, and it needs to be from a place of non combative communication. We are not going to fight, right now we are trying to improve our lives and we're looking for the report card. It's my answer to that distribution of labor should be on

1:12:02Speaker 1:the fridge. If you guys struggle with that, I don't have anything else that. It's almost ten o'clock. Okay, well we can wrap up.

1:12:09Speaker 2:Okay, do you want to get back into the social media thing? Internet conversation.

1:12:16Speaker 1:Kind of fuck it? So if this is her job, she's a content creator. If she's a content creator, that is earning a living making content. I don't mean like a thousand dollars a month. I mean you're able to pay every one of your bills by content creation. And this is what you do to earn an existence. That's a different conversation than you're an Instagram model that's got one hundred followers. Right. This is this is a very niche market. There is a level of understanding that they are going to be inappropriate things said. People are gonna fawn over you, They're going to take things and run with it. There's gonna be a lot of ugly that comes along. Like, there's a lot that comes into being a content creator. And honestly, I had no deal what that was until we started making it big, and there was that year one. The amount of fucking stress that we had to deal with and things that we had to process and learn to overcome and how to conduct ourselves and boundaries, man, and some of those conversations were hard as fuck, but we were able to work through it.

1:13:15Speaker 1:And this is what we do for a living. The tattoo shot makes money. It pays for itself and lets us, you know, buy cars and do cool shit with the tattoo money. But like this is our bread and butter.

1:13:25Speaker 2:Now, God, I'll never forget the bit you texted you good night in the beginning of those That was one of those conversations that we had that about boundaries.

1:13:33Speaker 1:I remember that, but I don't remember who did it. You don't need to say it, but I remember who did it. You'll have to remind me more done. I vaguely even remember that happening. I remember the conversation more than the incident. And had you not brought it up, if you would have waited another six months, I probably wouldn't have remembered that because it's foggy, but we did. We had a whole lot of conversation about that shit, Like there's a level of protect your family and your household above the social media shit. If you are a content creator that needs to show your body to move your content, you're not a content creator. You're selling yourself for the Internet to make money. That's a very different conversation than somebody that gets on here and does the podcast like Acid for Squares or you know, to be Better or real shit. And no hate to dead Eye, I love the dude. Some of the content that he makes is inappropriate. It's very thirsty and like he's a single man so he can do that shit.

1:14:30Speaker 2:Yeah, but he knows what he's doing.

1:14:31Speaker 1:He does he's doing that shit on purpose. But and that's the shirtless things, the cutoff sleeves, the fucking daddy donvoys, right right, all of that is his shtick. His content where he's going foraging and doing things of that nature is very different content than that. Yes, and if he's only doing that other content, that's what he's doing. He is selling himself to make money. When you are selling your knowledge to make money, it's a different conversation audience. Right.

1:15:01Speaker 1:So if this woman is making content where her body is the the contributing factor for the attention, that she's getting because she didn't say that she's making money, right, that's true. So that's also a whole nother conversation. Now there could be a conversation had also about selling your soul, because you're selling your body for content, and I'm not even gonna get into that. Let's just keep it on the you're making a living off of social media if that's what you've always done, switching gears and trying to move into a more PG friendly situation, it's going to take time for the creeps to fall off and new people to find you and all of that shit to happen find you. That's if they want to find you.

1:15:41Speaker 1:It's a whole lot easier to stick your tits on the internet and get some fucking attention.

1:15:45Speaker 2:Why.

1:15:45Speaker 1:That's why women gamers do good. Yeah, I'm sure that there are women gamers out there that are really good gamers. But anytime I've ever turned on Twitch and there's been a woman on there, she's half fucking naked, she's barely playing video games, she's interacting with her chat. It's that fucking oo wu shit, Like, you're not a game mean streamer, you're half naked on the internet and people are fucking paying you for your attention, right, so what's going on in their situation? I have no idea. I know that if that was our content, if we were somebody that was doing only fans, right, and that's who we were, and people were giving you attention on the Internet, I would welcome that because you could then plug your only fans and we would make money off of these fucking creepy dudes that want to see your buttole right, if if we're doing content like we're doing and people are being inappropriate and you ignore it, I'm just they can be inappropriate. You're ignoring it. But if I go through the comment section and you're interacting and you're giggling and your twin and heart reacts. Yeah, the little sweaty tongue

1:16:46Speaker 1:guy that used to send me all the time on the emojis when i'd send you pictures like like, if I saw that shit even now, like I'd lose my fucking mind. That's my emoji. You stop that, right, Like do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, So, like you, I can't control that these people are doing those kind of things. They're interacting. The engagement is making us money. You engaging back is where the line gets crossed. It would be no different if somebody was like, Chris, I like your beard, it looks so good, and I'm like, oh thanks, girl, you'd be like, excuse me, bitch. Like there's a whole lot of don't cross that fucking line. Yeah, yeah, you guys. The attention that comes with being a content creator is never going to be only positive, right, It's never going to be that way. In fact, you're going to get negativity on every single post that you make, even if all of it is mostly positive and you feel good about it. It's gonna take that one negative situation to make you feel bad. And if you're the partner of that and somebody's talking shit to your woman, whether they're trying to be overly sexual or they're actually

1:17:46Speaker 1:being a negative fuck face, you're gonna take that shit real personal. It takes a lot of work to get past that because we are not built to deal with this many interactions every single day. Yep, cosplay TikTokers have this problem. That's because most play TikTokers are thirst trapping. Yep, you can do. I'm not saying that all of them are. There are people that do makeup artists stuff. There are people that do like really creepy things. You can Yeah, you can do a creepy, scary clown without being a slut.

1:18:16Speaker 1:That's not in lingerie. Yeah right, Like, you know what you're doing, you know who your audience is. There's a but Again, this also comes down to the money aspect. If you were doing this as a job, it's a different conversation when these things come up. Now we do this as a job, we are still not allowing that type of behavior because we are not doing that type of content. My makeup is only focused on my makeup, not my body. Well, and you can tell that by the way the pictures are posted. If you are posting a picture of your makeup capabilities and your cleavage in the shot, it's not about your makeup. When you guys do your face scan for your phone to recognize your face and you have to do the head thing, you're tits ain't in there your phone. It recognized in your cleavage.

1:18:56Speaker 1:It don't need all that. So that's all I was gonna say about all that. I'm probably gonna sleep while you're gone. All right, let's wrap up. Are we going live right away? Break?

1:19:08Speaker 2:We can take a break.

1:19:10Speaker 1:Thanks for tuning in guys. Remember you were the author of your own life, so grab a pen and we will see you on the next one.

1:19:14Speaker 2:Bye guys.