Part 3: Bucolic

0:00JACK: [Music] Death is our greatest teacher. It’s the shadow at our back, the whisper in the quiet, the ticking of a clock we pretend not to hear. No lesson in life is more profound than the realization that all this will end. Death teaches us nothing is permanent. It forces us to ask, was any of this worth it? The grudges, the fear, the boredom, the unhealthy addictions, the dumb stuff you wasted too much time and attention on doesn't matter to death.

0:49It doesn't wait for you to have a fulfilled, examined life. If you choose to fill it with anger and fear and boredom, it’ll come for you just the same. Death doesn't wait for you to be ready. Every second you spend in regret, in hesitation, in anything less than what sets your soul on fire is a second stolen, a second closer to the end. The wisest way to live is with urgency. Live like it’s your last chance. Speak like your words will echo forever.

1:24Furiously chase after that life that you want the most, because while death is certain, life is a choice. ZACHARIAH: I rode that bike so far. First I rode it all the way until the street ended, then I kept going. I rode it until the town ended, and I still kept going. I was riding it through the countryside, and I just kept riding right on through that. I wanted to keep riding until the noise stopped. Things were starting to get quieter the further I went.

2:03Eventually I found a sign that said, ‘Worker needed on farm. Will provide room and board.’ I was like, fuck, that sounds like a really great deal. I got off my bike and walked up the dusty road leading up to the house. There was a small house there and an old truck and a big barn. I went up to the door of the house and an old man came out. I told him I saw the sign. I was thirteen by this time. The old man who owned this farm, he was like, really old; I don't know, seventy or something.

2:33The first thing he asked me was whether or not I was afraid of touching blood or shit. I said no, and asked him if there’s a lot of that here. He said, yes. He needed help feeding the animals and taking care of the vegetables. I looked around where I was, and there wasn't any better option than this, so I took the job. He showed me where I can sleep for the night and told me we’ll get started in the morning. He said I had to sleep in the barn, and gave me a couple blankets.

3:05There was an old, shitty mattress on the ground there, which I thought was fine, because I don't trust old men anyway, you know? So, sleeping with the animals wasn't that bad. I remember the first night; I took the last bit of coke I had and just fucked around in the barn all night. JACK: What’d you do all night? ZACHARIAH: For the longest time I just sat and stared at the door, sitting quietly, listening to everything. I remember looking around at the animals wondering what they thought of me.

3:34I tried to look into their eyes to see what they've seen in the past. I saw there was a rope tied around one of the gates, and I thought, oh shit, I should probably learn how to tie knots. I found some rope and started tying knots just over and over and over. I had no idea what I was doing, and I was just tying random knots. It was almost like I was obsessively doing it. Hours must have passed of me tying knots, because eventually I looked up and I saw the old man in the yard, and it was daylight already.

4:11When I saw him out there, I went over to help him. He just started showing me what the morning routine is. Sure enough, he handed me a shovel and told me to clean the shit out of the animal pens, [music] and then feed the animals, and we milked the cows. There was a lot to learn, but I liked it, though. It felt nice. It felt good. It felt pure. JACK: Life is ambiguous. We exist in a constant tension between what we want and what is, between freedom and limitation, meaning and absurdity.

5:05We're born into a world we didn't choose, shaped by forces we don't control, and yet we're told to make something of it, make sense of it. But life doesn't always make sense. It’s full of paradoxes. We crave freedom, but once we get it, we squander it. We ache for accomplishment, but we don't want the responsibility required to get there. We want to be younger but also want the wisdom of age. We crave intimacy, yet we are fearful to open ourselves up to someone.

5:36We want meaning but feel disappointed when we find it. We're always reaching, always resisting, always caught between wanting and fearing the very same things. This is the heart of existence, not clarity, not certainty, but ambiguity, to go on even when it doesn't make sense. To exist in the in-between, it’s not something to fix; it’s something to embrace. Life isn't about finding a perfect answer or resolving every contradiction. It’s about learning how to hold them all at once, to want freedom and belonging, to feel hope and despair in the same breath, to create and destroy, to build and let go, to love and still fear loss.

6:25None of these cancel each other out. They coexist, because life is a contradiction. The goal isn't to escape ambiguity but to make peace with it, to stand in the center of the messy world and say this, too, is living. But don't be deceived; just because life is ambiguous doesn't give you an excuse to drift aimlessly as if there’s no point, no reason to try. If anything, it demands more of us. We must act, not because we have certainty, but because we don't.

7:02You should fall in love even though you know it won't last. The ground is shifting below us. We don't know what the next step is, but happiness is always within reach. It’s always an option, because it’s something that lives only inside you, and that’s the fun of it all. Nothing is fixed. Nothing is certain, but we go on anyway, taking step after step into the darkness of the grand adventure. Life is ambiguous, yes, but that’s what gives it its depth and beauty.

7:39That’s what makes it limitless. This is Low, Part 3, Bucolic. [To Zachariah] What did he have you do on this farm? ZACHARIAH: Water the crops, plant some seeds, milk the cows, fuck around with the chickens. JACK: Did he pay you? ZACHARIAH: Yeah, a little bit, but really, I was just happy to have a place to stay. He’d feed me, too, so I would just come in and sit at the dinner table. Oh, he had a daughter. She was seventeen. I’m not gonna lie; she was really hot and real smart.

8:27In fact, I would get so fucking annoyed at her for talking about how she gets good grades all the time, since I’m a dropout that smells like animals and shit. She’s like this perfect student and so pretty. JACK: Did she do farmwork, too? ZACHARIAH: No, no. She was studying to go to college. She wanted to work in a law firm and was focused on that all the time. She knew how to do all the farmwork, though. Like, at first I had a hard time moving cows.

8:52I tried to pull them or push them, leaning my whole body into them, but they just weren't moving. Then she came out and easily guided them to where she wanted them to go. At first I thought they just liked her better, but she taught me the techniques for how to move cows. JACK: What was the farmer like? ZACHARIAH: The old man? He didn't talk much. I saw a picture of him and another lady, and I asked, is that your wife? But he sort of just grunted and walked away.

9:18But actually, sometimes he would try to say something. Once I asked him, how long has he been working on this farm? He opened up. JACK: What did he say? ZACHARIAH: Well, first he seemed to get mad at the question. Like, what do you mean working on this farm? I’m not a worker here. But then he asked me, you've been on this farm a few months. Can you explain what you do here? I told him, I plant seeds and tend crops and feed the animals. He said, well, I do all that, too, but I don't think that’s what I’m doing here.

9:52So, I asked him, well, what do you think you're doing here? He said he’s here in order to support the community. Dinners are on tables all over towns because of food he grows, and that makes him feel useful. He said he doesn't wake up to be free and do whatever he wants. He wakes up and then gets busy being useful, because being useful makes you feel important, and it feels like you matter and you can make a difference. He told me his father farmed here before him his whole life and that his father would have answered that question differently.

10:27His father would have said that he was keeping things from coming apart. He believed hard work made people resilient, and good food made people strong, and a town that could feed itself didn't panic when things got hard. When people knew that the food was handled, they stopped living scared and started building real lives. They could think bigger, risk more, and become more than just surviving, because freedom only comes after foundations have been built and maintained.

10:59So, his father felt an enormous purpose for what he was doing, and that he was keeping the world from going into chaos. JACK: Dang, I like that. Freedom comes after foundations. ZACHARIAH: Yeah, but the old man told me that even though he understood his father’s purpose, he never felt it in the same way. He saw how much the farm mattered to his father, and he became a farmer because of that, and only later did he realize how many people depended on his work.

11:24He knew he was useful, but feeling useful isn't the same as feeling certain, because sometimes he wondered if any of his work was wasted or if he was meant to be doing something else somewhere else. [Music] But his father never had that doubt. His father always felt like he was exactly where he belonged. He wasn't searching and he wasn't hoping or wishing for something else. He felt complete in himself by doing the farmwork. I remember the old man telling me, I’m still searching for that feeling and I hope I find it before I’m finished.

12:00JACK: This guy’s wise. What was some of the other stuff that he would tell you? ZACHARIAH: He would talk about the past a lot and how old the hills were and the rivers, and they were here long before us and they're gonna be here long after us. He’d say things like, people think they're the first chapter, but the truth is they're somewhere in the middle. He would say things like, it took thousands of hands for us to get here. We're only here because of all the things people built or did before we were even born.

12:32Even though we’ll never meet them, he said we should live in a way that won't disappoint them. He said he tries to live his life so that old men would nod and be proud of his work. JACK: What did you think of all this stuff that he would say to you? ZACHARIAH: Well, it made me realize how important of a job this is and how lucky I am to have it. So, after a while I got really into farmwork. Like, I wanted to be really good at it and know all the stuff there is to know.

12:59Like, I was becoming interested in tractor repair and pest control and the best times to plant and harvest. I saw the farm as something bigger than just myself, and it felt good contributing to something bigger than just me. It made me feel useful, and I wanted to feel even more useful by being great at it. So, I was learning a lot and wanting to get really good at it. It’s funny to say that I really wanted to win prizes for some of the food I was growing and be the best at it.

13:28Anyway, after a while they trusted me and let me stay in a spare room in the house, and it felt like I was becoming a part of their family. It was really nice. I was working twelve hours a day, I had food, a place to live, and was getting paid a little, too. JACK: Did you like farm life? ZACHARIAH: I don't know. A lot of times it was boring as fuck. I remember watching cows eat and thinking, fuck, these cows take forever to finish chewing. It’s like they chew all fucking day.

13:59So, once I decided to time how long it takes for them to finish chewing. I used my watch to see how long it took them. I gave up watching them after like two hours of waiting for them to finish. Those fuckers never stopped chewing. Yeah, you had to do things out there to stay entertained. Like, I would follow chickens around sometimes and just see if they would ever get mad at me for walking towards them all the time. Another time I found a beetle in the yard and I just followed it for like an hour, watching where this beetle was walking to.

14:34Like, where is it going? Is it going to get water? Is it going to get food? Is it trying to find a place to sleep, or is it moving to a new home today? I remember watching that beetle and wondering, does it know where it’s going or is it just putting one foot in front of the other out of habit? It made me wonder about my own habits, if I was aware of them. JACK: Did the boredom ever feel like a waste of time? Like, did you ever feel like you could be doing something more?

15:10ZACHARIAH: Well, no, because I would remember why I came here. If I stayed in the city, I knew I’d end up dead. So, every day out here, no matter how boring, felt like I got to live another day. I could be good if I want. I can act like a good kid, you know, and be polite and helpful, and that’s how I was acting out there. JACK: It’s sort of strange that you say that you can act like a good kid. Like, it sort of indicates that you aren't a good kid.

15:42ZACHARIAH: Well, I had done some bad shit, you know? Like getting kicked out of school and fucking with drunk guys and stuff, though I wasn't exactly a good kid. JACK: But maybe you were? Maybe you were a good kid but sometimes act bad instead of a bad kid acting good. ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I don't know. JACK: But was the change of pace hard to adapt to? I’m just trying to picture you as this gangster kid from the city out on the farm, and it’s just hard for me to place you there.

16:15ZACHARIAH: Yeah, there was a sense of something missing; you're right. I felt like there was a lot going for me in the city. I had a computer, I was making money, I had some Bitcoin that I was saving up to make a drug order. I knew all the routes through the city, I knew all the kids who sold drugs, and a lot of people who I could sell drugs to. I felt connected and involved there. Yeah, all that was gone, but I’d sometimes have this feeling that it was all still there.

16:42Like, I would get this feeling that somebody would be right behind me or something, and I’d turn around and there’s just nobody there. There would just be nothing. I had to figure out what to do. I didn't want to turn around every time and there always be nothing there. I wanted there to be something, but I didn't know what. But on top of that, in the city I was always waiting for the next hit, too, something to bump me back up, and out there I didn't have any more of that, so I had to find a way to be happy without another hit.

17:15JACK: What were ways that you made yourself happy? ZACHARIAH: Well, at first I didn't know how to be happy. I just kept thinking how badly I wanted another hit. But after a while I really wanted to be great at growing food, so I took pride in how well the farm was managed, and that made me happy to think that this is something I’m good at. JACK: Did you still have the Bitcoin then? ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I guess. I didn't know enough about it back then to really understand how it all worked.

17:42But I didn't have a way to trade it for money, so it just — it felt like it was out of my hands. JACK: What kind of animals did he have on this farm? ZACHARIAH: Oh, he had a horse, chickens, three cows, and he was growing tomatoes and cucumbers and strawberries and eggplants. I used to give names to the animals and talk to them. JACK: What were some of the names you gave them? ZACHARIAH: Oh, god. I remember the names of the three cows; Etya, Sascha, and Benal.

18:19Those are the names I gave the three cows, and I gave them those names because they were the names of the three plugs I had when I was selling drugs. I used to fuck around with those cows. I’d milk them and drink their milk all day. JACK: Like straight from the cow? ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I loved it. I’d put my head under there and just squeeze it right into my mouth. It was the fucking weirdest shit I’ve ever done. JACK: Is it hard to learn how to milk a cow?

18:41ZACHARIAH: No, my mom actually taught me how to milk a cow because her mom had cows, and we’d sometimes go visit them. She showed me how to do that. I was like, six then. JACK: Oh, I didn't know you had a grandma. ZACHARIAH: Yeah, my grandma had a little farm, and I loved it out there when we would visit in the summers. I’d fuck around with the animals and got this weird sense of connection with them as if they understood my thoughts and knew I was their friend and stuff.

19:08JACK: What happened to your grandma? ZACHARIAH: I have no idea. I don't know where that farm was or anything. Once I ran away I didn't ever hear anything about my family anymore. JACK: How long did you stay at this old man’s farm? ZACHARIAH: About two years. JACK: Did you like sleeping in the barn better or the house better? ZACHARIAH: The house. It was chill and I liked it. [Music] I remember the first night staying in that house. I heard a noise in the night and it freaked me out.

19:39I thought someone was trying to fucking rob us. I could hear weird shit happening in the barn, which — it’s usually really quiet in the barn at night. So, I went out there, grabbed a fucking rake and looked in, and there was just a chicken that got in with the horses, and the horse was all pissed off about it, and the chicken didn't know where to fucking go. So, the two of them were making a fuss. But going out there with the rake gave me this adrenaline rush.

20:04I remember having that when I was in the city, where I would get adrenaline all the time when I’d hear bad noises or get in fights. JACK: Did you have any weapons at this farm? ZACHARIAH: I had my knife still, my dad’s knife. The old man had a big fucking shotgun, and he would get it out sometimes and show his daughter how to use it. I guess he was ex-military. He was in the army for four years. So, it felt safe knowing that none of the neighbors are gonna fuck with us.

20:32Yeah, it just felt safe. JACK: Did you ever shoot his shotgun? ZACHARIAH: Yeah, he taught me how to use it. JACK: What was that like? A thirteen-year-old boy trying to shoot a shotgun — I imagine it had quite a kick. ZACHARIAH: Yeah. The first time I shot it I bruised my shoulder and couldn't hear for a few days from my right ear. I had a headache for nine hours. After a few weeks I learned how to aim it better and how to handle it better without it being a problem.

21:01JACK: Did you have your computer still? ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I did have it, and he let me charge it on his solar panels. JACK: Were you able to get online? ZACHARIAH: No, no. There was no Wi-Fi or internet out there, so I just did stupid shit like used PowerPoint and Excel and tried to learn things on there. I did have that bike still, though, and I would ride it around looking for a place that might have Wi-Fi. I eventually did find a coffee shop that had Wi-Fi, but it was an hour ride on my bike to get there, so I would only go there on weekends to get online.

21:40JACK: Yeah, that bike — I was — I wanted to ask you about that. So, you're adamant about not stealing things from others, but you stole that bike. ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I’ve thought about that a lot, too. You're right, I don't like stealing, but I think something changed in me then. Living there, I had this sense that I had no choice about things. I kept saying to myself, there’s nothing else I can do, and it felt like I was just letting fate win. It was kinda like giving fate the middle finger, you know?

22:12I felt like I have to show fate I do have a fucking choice. If fate has a plan for me, I wanted it to work its ass off to make me do its shit. So, when I looked at that bike, I thought, yeah, I’m a person who doesn't steal, so I can't take this bike. But then I thought, that’s what fucking fate is telling me, that I can't steal this bike. So, I was like, no, I can fucking steal this bike. Let me show you, and I did. I stole it and I rode away. So, it was more to prove a point and less about stealing it.

22:45Yeah, it did feel like I was breaking some personal code, but at the same time it felt like I was breaking out of some shell that was holding me back, too. JACK: Shit, man. Okay, so you ride your bike to this coffee shop; when you get online there, what are some of the things you do online? ZACHARIAH: Oh, I just played video games. I played Counter-Strike and World of Tanks, and I’d get some music, too. I learned how to download songs off YouTube so I could play them back at home.

23:20[Music] So, I’d sit in the coffee shop killing people in Counter-Strike, listening to rap music. It was fun, just stupid teenage shit. But after going to the coffee shop enough times, I saw a guy come in. He was talking loudly on his cell phone in a language I didn't understand. I was like, what the fuck? Why isn't this guy speaking Russian? I watched him and I was trying to listen for what language it was, and I heard him say ‘fuck’. I think that was the only English word I knew at the time, and I realized he was speaking English.

23:58I had never heard anyone speak English in my entire life, so I was surprised by this. He looked great; he had nice clothes and a good-looking style to him. I liked him. He seemed smart and had things figured out. I wanted to talk with him and learn about him, but I didn't know how to approach him. He got his coffee and left. But it made me want to learn English. So, I went back home and I asked the old man how I can learn English. He knew a little bit, so he started teaching me a couple words, but then he found an old book on how to speak English.

24:28So, I became obsessed with learning English. There was a chapter in the book that had all kinds of farm words in it; cow, chicken, shovel. I’d say the English word every time I’d see it around the farm. I would study this book every night. I had nothing else to do, so I just really focused on this. JACK: Did the daughter know any English? ZACHARIAH: Yeah, she knew more than the old man, but she was gone more and more. She was preparing for college and spent days at a time away from home, studying.

24:58So, most days it was just me and the old man. JACK: So, that’s where you learned English. ZACHARIAH: Yeah, and every weekend I’d ride an hour to the coffee shop to see if that guy was there again, but he was never there. Months go by like this until finally I see him come in again. [Music] I was so excited to see him again. I wanted to impress him with my English, so I came up to him and I said, how are you? He laughed and he asked, how do I know English?

25:25I told him, I’m learning it. So, he sat down with me and we talked in English for a long time. He taught me lots of words, and I learned about him. His name is Nick, and he’s an American businessman, and he travels back and forth on his plane to do business with Russia. He speaks only medium Russian. I think his business was something to do with oil, and would come to this area because there was some drilling locations near here. I think that’s what he said.

25:52I wasn't entirely sure since I was just learning English. It was really cool to talk with someone in English, though, and this was the first time. I sucked at it but I liked learning it. He gave me his Russian-to-English dictionary. I asked him when he would be back, and he told me next month. I was so excited about this new book. I was reading it all the time. In fact, I fucked up pretty bad on the farm because of it. JACK: What happened? ZACHARIAH: Well, now that I had a new book, I wanted to hurry up with my daily farm duties so I could go and read it, you know?

26:29So, I was rushing through things. When I put the cows in the barn for the night, I forgot to lock the gate so they couldn't get out. JACK: Oh, no. ZACHARIAH: Yeah. One got out and started wandering around in the dark, and got lost and scared and couldn't find a way back in. It was trying to get in, but the gate swung back shut, and so, it didn't know what to do. It tried shoving its head through the gate, and it got stuck like that. It got its head stuck in the gate and couldn't free itself.

27:03There was some wire on the gate that trapped its head there. A storm came through that night and it was raining hard, so we didn't hear anything in the house. The cow struggled all night to get free, but it was just caught too much. At some point its hoof got caught in the fence, too, which made it fall over and it couldn't get up. With its neck caught like that, it strangled itself and died. JACK: Oh, no. ZACHARIAH: Yeah. The old man was fucking furious with me for not putting up the animals properly.

27:37He couldn't understand how it got out, and I knew I must have not latched the gate properly. I felt really bad about it. I loved that cow. I felt like we became friends. I would eat my lunch with it and sometimes hug it. Have you ever hugged a cow? JACK: No, I don't think I have. I have hugged a goat and a pig and a horse. With the goat and the pig I didn't get anything at all out of it. The experience was nothing, but hugging a horse is something I actually enjoy.

28:11It is very nice. ZACHARIAH: Yeah, man. You know, then. It’s soothing and nice and warm. It’s a big-ass beast of a creature. But that made me think, even though it was ten times bigger than me, its life is just as fragile as mine. What fucking sucks is I worked my ass off to keep that animal alive. So, even though I tried to take good care of it, it still died. I don't get it. Like, why fucking struggle to keep something alive so much when its outcome is inevitable?

28:44But at the same time, I wish I did more to keep that fucking cow alive. The look on that dead cow’s face was something I’ll never forget. Its face was frozen in fear, a primal fear, where it knew its life was on the line, but it wasn't ready for death. It looked as if it finally recognized how serious life is, and it didn't want to lose it. I saw the animals differently after that, and I think they looked at me differently, too. They all seemed on edge after that night.

29:19JACK: What do you mean you looked at them differently after that? ZACHARIAH: It made me realize my job is part of something bigger. I had a lot more responsibility than I thought to keep these animals alive. They were so reliant on me, and were all connected through nature and the web of life. So, I took my job more seriously after that. JACK: Did the daughter say anything to you about the cow? ZACHARIAH: No, I don't think she ever did. At this point she was gone.

29:49I think she moved away at that point and was off to college. She was studying law. JACK: Did you keep studying English after that? ZACHARIAH: Yeah, I did. I studied it every day. I knew that guy Nick was coming back to the coffee shop at the end of the month, so I wanted to show him how much better I got. Sure enough, he was at the coffee shop just like he said he’d be, and every time I saw him I tried to be super nice. I wanted him to think I was a good kid.

30:14He was cool. We’d talk about video games and farm stuff. [Music] I would see him at the end of every month. One day I went out and was working on the farm, and I was out there for a while before I realized that it’s weird that the old man isn't out here, too. Usually he comes out every morning, but he wasn't outside anywhere. So, I looked around for him, and eventually I looked in his bedroom, and he had died in the night. I don't know, I guess he had a heart attack.

30:46JACK: Oh, crap, dude. ZACHARIAH: I went to the neighbor’s house and told them, and they called his daughter. She called the police. Eventually an ambulance came and took him away. I felt bad about it. The farm was so important to me by this point. It was my whole life. So, I felt like it was my duty to keep it running. That’s all I’ve been doing for two years; I can't just stop. So, I just kept feeding the animals and taking care of the gardens. It was the only thing I knew to do.

31:24JACK: Why couldn't you stop? ZACHARIAH: It felt like my purpose. It felt like this was what I was supposed to be doing. I mean, when you think about it, it was me who planted those seeds on the ground and made those vegetables. It was me who fed the animals and kept them alive. So, from the perspective of the vegetables and the animals, I’m put there just to keep them alive. The point of my existence felt like I was there to care for them, and I just couldn't see it any other way.

31:52So, even though I was there alone now, I just kept working on the farm. JACK: What did the daughter do? ZACHARIAH: Yeah, she came by, but just to take old photos from his room and some other stuff from the house. She was just gone almost all the time. JACK: Were you getting paid at all? ZACHARIAH: Not really, no. I would drink the milk and eat the eggs and live in the house, so that’s something. Sometimes a truck would come by to see if there’s anything it could buy from me, and I’d sell a few things, but it wasn't much.

32:28The daughter eventually came around and said she was gonna sell the house and was gonna take all his money and just go to college. So, I knew I couldn't stay there for much longer. I needed to figure out where to go. I asked her for a final payment since I was taking care of the place, and she did give me some money. Then I thought, Nick is gonna be at the coffee shop this weekend. I’ll go see him. So, that Saturday I fed all the animals and I rode to the coffee shop.

33:00I waited for Nick for a long time. [Music] When he finally showed up, I told him what happened and that I didn't have a place to go. He looked at me and asked in English, do you want to go on an adventure? I said, hell yes. He said, okay, you're coming to work for me in America. I had absolutely nothing else going for me, so I was like, okay. He told me we're leaving today and asked if I had everything. I didn't have much time, and just had my knife, my money, that English-Russian dictionary, and my laptop, and of course I was wearing my wristwatch.

33:39I said, okay, yeah, I’ve got everything. We got in his car and drove to the airport. He had a private jet, and we just walked up to it and got in, and we took off. I watched out the window as the town got smaller and smaller. But this time it didn't feel like I was running away from something. It felt more like I was running towards something new, towards whatever fucking thing Nick had waiting for me in America. [Music]