What your child needs most (it's not what you think) with Gen Muir

0:00Speaker 1:Hey, it's laws quick one before we get into it.

0:02Speaker 2:Like many of you, we are in the depths of school holidays, so we're rerunning a couple of our absolute favorites for you. If you miss these the first time around, you're in for a treat. And if you didn't trust me, they more than hold up for a second. Listen, enjoy. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the boon Warong people of the Kulin Nation, the land on which we're lucky enough to raise our sons and daughters, always was, and always will be Aboriginal Land. Today on Ask Greddy or Not, I am joined by Jen from Connected Parenting, an obstetric social worker, parent educator, and connection expert who has helped countless families navigate the hardest parts of parenting without.

0:37Speaker 1:Losing their call.

0:39Speaker 2:Jen is all about practical, real world strategies that strengthen your bond with your kids while still holding boundaries. So if you have ever thought, I know I shouldn't yell, but nothing else works, or you have wondered how to actually get through to your child in those tricky moments, this chat is going to be a game changer.

0:55Speaker 1:Hey, Jen, how are you hi?

0:58Speaker 3:I'm really good. Thank you for having me.

1:00Speaker 2:I'm so excited. We have a bunch of questions that I want a rapid fire. Let's get into it. So, what is, in your opinion, the most common challenge that busy mums have when it comes to navigating the young child's emotions.

1:14Speaker 4:I think the biggest challenge is thinking that you have to do it one hundred percent of the time. I think that we're parenting in this kind of new world where we've got more information than anyone's ever had in the history of parenting, and the bit that we misunderstand is that we're meant to be always on, always welcoming feelings, always connecting and sitting with our kids and setting boundaries in a way that's firm and kind and all of the stuff that I teach what you're shooting for is around thirty percent. Thirty to forty percent is amazing, and it's what both kids need and it's what parents need.

1:47Speaker 3:It's what kids need because we're actually not meant to stop and drop for every feeling. Yes, you're allowed to be really authentic.

1:52Speaker 4:There's meant to be kind of authenticity and kind of movement.

1:56Speaker 3:It's a dance it's just.

1:58Speaker 4:Not meant to be this perfect thing. That's just not how relationships work. And they're meant to have ruptures and repair.

2:05Speaker 3:That's the whole cycle.

2:06Speaker 4:Connection, rupture, repair, that's how it should work. So we're not looking to do things perfectly. We're all so going to sometimes get it completely wrong and stuff up, and that's completely.

2:14Speaker 2:Okay, okay, So what happens when you do get it wrong? How are you meant to stay calm when, for example, your child is having an absolute meltdown in public?

2:23Speaker 1:What do you do?

2:24Speaker 4:First of all, you're not going to stay calm. None of us stay calm. So let's take that off the to do list.

2:31Speaker 3:Forget that. You're trying to survive. That's it. Your kid is melting down in public.

2:36Speaker 4:Not only are you dealing with the fact that those emotions feel extremely unsafe for your system, because chances are when you melted down as a kid, you were corrected or shamed or sent to your room or smacked, and you learnt really young that emotion is not safe.

2:49Speaker 3:Now you're trying to do it for your.

2:50Speaker 1:Child in public. Yeah, that is like an impossible ask.

2:54Speaker 3:So you're not going to stay calm you're going to feel awful, and that's okay. What you're trying to.

2:58Speaker 4:Do is survive, and the best way to survive is, if possible, either build a dome around you and your child, like as if the rest of the world doesn't exist.

3:06Speaker 3:We're just in here and.

3:07Speaker 4:I'm just focusing on my child and nothing else matters. Or get out of there, pick them up, puff them to the car, get somewhere that you can be yourself. And you're not going to feel calm, and that's okay. You're trying to just not lose it as much as your child's losing it.

3:21Speaker 3:Yes, the goal.

3:22Speaker 1:Okay, good.

3:22Speaker 2:I love this kind of stuff. Is actually feels relatable and real. As opposed to you say, get down to their level. It's like sometimes you just can't actually do that. You're like, get up and stop screaming.

3:33Speaker 3:Just get out of there.

3:34Speaker 1:Okay, good.

3:35Speaker 2:What is the difference between setting boundaries, so we're talking about, you know, your generic boundaries as opposed to being too strect.

3:44Speaker 1:You kind of touched on it before.

3:45Speaker 2:When you said our parents parented us very differently. It was definitely far more strict, and now we're kind of leaning more into this like gentle parenting, which unfortunately for me, is just absolutely not working. How do we find that balance of setting boundaries and sticking to them but also being a little bit flexible when they have to be broken.

4:03Speaker 3:Yeah, it is one of the hardest things to do.

4:05Speaker 4:And if you're finding it hard, that's because it was not modeled for you. So we're telling parents what they can't do, but we haven't said what they can do. But let me cut straight through to it. How do we know the difference between too much.

4:17Speaker 3:And not enough? And kind of that in a boundary moment?

4:20Speaker 4:My favorite quote, Yes, set boundaries and limits for your child, just don't be an asshole about it.

4:26Speaker 3:So it's that simple.

4:28Speaker 4:You're allowed to say no, You're allowed to say that doesn't work for me. You're allowed to that boundaries about what you will and won't do for your child. It's not about controlling your child. It's like, I will no longer tolerate this behavior.

4:40Speaker 3:That has to stop.

4:41Speaker 4:I am saying no to the cookie or more TV. And you're allowed to be upset about it. But when we're doing it in a way that feels mean or punitive or cruel or shamey, we're probably off track. So if you look back and go, I was a bit of an asshole, then that is a sure sign your boundaries are flipped too far. We're trying to go for a balance of firm and kind and this is where gentle parenting has led us a little bit astray. So gentle parenting is it's not even a parenting style. It's a term coined by an educator in the UK called Sarah Oqwellsmith to describe the parenting style authoritative parenting.

5:17Speaker 3:That's what we're actually shooting for. That's what the research backs.

5:20Speaker 4:The problem with gentle parenting is the name implies you're always gentle. In a boundary moment, you're going to feel not gentle. Sometimes if you're getting a screaming kit off a table or like into a car seat, it's not going to feel gentle.

5:32Speaker 3:But it should feel firm, but it should also feel kind. That's what we're shooting for.

5:36Speaker 2:What happens when you do feel a little bit overly firm and you do have to apologize to your child because you've lost your call.

5:44Speaker 1:All the time, exactly how do you go about it?

5:47Speaker 2:Like do you just own it and be like I said, the wrong thing, and I want to say sorry, what should parents be saying?

5:52Speaker 4:Look, if you're capable of that, yeah, own it. But the reality is most of us, if we're flipped, we've gone into fight flight or freeze. That's not our fault, but we're not going to be in a place to own it or apologize well until we're regulated. And in order to regulate, two things need to happen. One, I need to be kind to myself. I didn't lose it because I'm a terrible parent who likes to yell. I'm doing the best that I can and I'm losing it because parenting is hard and I'm human and I'm not meant.

6:17Speaker 3:To always be regulated. So I got that wrong.

6:18Speaker 4:But I'm going to be kind to myself and I'm going to give myself a pause, and that pause might be a breath in a quick moment where I've snapped at my kid and I'm instantly able to breathe.

6:27Speaker 3:I got that wrong. It can happen right then and there.

6:30Speaker 4:But if it's a big loser, probably going to need to take yourself for a time out, like a parental timeout, and not into time out for kids. I'm into timeout for months Yeah, so it might be sometimes.

6:41Speaker 3:Amongst busy children, Oh, I care about this, I care about us. I'm coming back.

6:45Speaker 4:I'm just going to go hang the washing even is a timeout, Or it might be I'm going to go to my room and take a break.

6:50Speaker 3:It might be I'm going to go for a walk with a friend.

6:53Speaker 4:So we're taking enough time that we need to be back online to then come.

6:57Speaker 3:Back and be with our child needs.

6:59Speaker 4:In terms of what to do and say in the repair, we're essentially just trying to imagine it. The relationship is a train on the tracks. We're just trying to get the train back on the tracks. So we're not trying to fix what happened. We're not trying to go, Okay, just have what you want. We're not trying to teach our child or go. But only if you had listened, I wouldn't have yelled. Yeah, it's never their responsibility to repair wherein there going. I care about getting this train back on the tracks. I care about this relationship. I'm sorry for how I made you feel, And it's always us that has to apologize, never then, because we're the.

7:26Speaker 2:Pen Yeah, correct on that whole notion of parenting. What happens if your parenting style clashes with your partners. And I've noticed it's been a huge thing for me since having children.

7:37Speaker 1:It's not something that.

7:38Speaker 2:We ever discussed before we had kids, which seems so weird. It's like, how are you going to be as a parent, and then how do you discipline or how do you set boundaries for your children? Myself and my husband are like very different. How do you have that conversation with your partner.

7:51Speaker 4:Well, first of all, you've got to know that ninety six percent of couples are sitting on an opposite parenting style. So it's really more much more common that we're going to sit like that because of course we all come with our own unique history and story and we've made sense of that in our own way, so we're always going to find.

8:06Speaker 3:This is like this, and in fact, that's really good for kids.

8:10Speaker 4:That's a positive thing because when you're both bringing different strengths and different weaknesses, usually what that means is your kid is getting more of the broader needs met. It's actually harder when you sit on an identical parenting style.

8:24Speaker 3:It's actually harder. So if you're both, for example, in that kind and firm continuum.

8:28Speaker 4:If you're both kind, nobody's able to say no, that's disastrous. If you're both firm and nobody can be kind, that's disastrous. So ninety six percent of us are a little bit mismatched, and that's kind of a cool thing.

8:42Speaker 3:How to get on the same page.

8:43Speaker 4:Just become aware of it, you know, start to talk about which are the moments that I find more challenging. Which are the moments that you find more challenging. I can give you a generalization. Most dads are really triggered by defiance. Most mums are really triggered by winging. Now let's look back to our childhoods.

8:58Speaker 3:Right, let's go.

9:01Speaker 4:What were mums told not to do? Don't winch, don't mind turn that far and upside down? Good girl, smile? What were dads punished for mucking up the fiants? You got a smack, They got punished really hard. So when our kid does the thing that we weren't safe to express that we got taught as a young kid, that's not safe.

9:21Speaker 3:That will get you punished or dismissed or ignored, we feel unsafe.

9:25Speaker 4:So now we know, oh, we're both just struggling with emotions just different ones, and now we've got a chance to kind of come in with compassion and then gently try to walk through it together.

9:36Speaker 3:But no, we don't have to become the same parenting style. That's not the goal. But understanding each other is definitely the first step.

9:42Speaker 2:Okay, So what happens at the end of the day, if both you and your partner are feeling just completely drained, how do you connect with your child?

9:53Speaker 3:Okay?

9:53Speaker 4:Number one thing would be mini moments of connection? Okay, Now, a mini moment of connection is this is showing delight in your child for no reason. It is essentially lighting up as they enter a room. It is the most significant intervention you can do, no matter what age, what stage.

10:14Speaker 3:What's happening in your house, and it takes a split second.

10:17Speaker 4:I have a fourteen year old at the moment, and sometimes he just comes in the back door and he's just like he's just and I actively say to myself.

10:25Speaker 1:Light up.

10:26Speaker 4:I know he's not bringing that energy at fourteen, and he did in at two or three either.

10:31Speaker 3:I know that's not what he's bringing to the room.

10:33Speaker 4:But if I can actively light up, like I just love you so much and it's all in my face and I'm just so happy you're here.

10:38Speaker 3:Changes the tone, changes the game.

10:40Speaker 2:So it's actually a little body language than it is about what you're physically doing. It's that like recognition to feel like excited when they're in the room.

10:49Speaker 4:Yeah, imagine a golden retriever and like you leave the house for one minute and then you come back and they're like so gladly back be the dog. Takes a split second, and it.

11:01Speaker 3:Is the strongest intervention there is. Like it doesn't need to take ten minutes.

11:05Speaker 4:You might just be walking through Harris Farm with one of your kids and you just squeeze their hand and go, oh, love it when it's just your meat, that's just delight. That's just I'm just loving on you in this moment while we're at the shopping and I've got nothing in.

11:19Speaker 3:The tank, I'm just going to squeeze your hand and give you something.

11:22Speaker 4:And not only does it fill our child's cup and kids whose cups get feel go better, but it.

11:26Speaker 3:Feels the connection.

11:27Speaker 4:When you actively start doing it, it changes everything.

11:31Speaker 2:It also just doesn't feel like when you've said that, it doesn't feel like an additional chore at the end of the day, as in I was thinking to myself, Oh, maybe Jen's gonna say get on the floor play with them for ten minutes.

11:40Speaker 1:And honestly, I was like, oh my god, I just even.

11:43Speaker 2:Do that, Like I genuinely don't think mentally I could even do that.

11:47Speaker 1:So this feels realistic.

11:49Speaker 4:You're cooking in the kitchen and you know, your kid appears and just like say that name.

11:56Speaker 3:Hey, God, it's good to see you.

11:58Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that.

12:00Speaker 3:Watch their body, watch their body. They'll be like she loves me. Like it's so powerful, so powerful.

12:07Speaker 2:You're so right in terms of those connection rituals, Are there any quick daily connection rituals that actually work for busy working mums aside from that? Like light up, Like, do you have something that working mums could do easily?

12:21Speaker 3:I've got something that I do and I love it so much.

12:24Speaker 4:We play a game called high Low Buffalo at the dinner table, and everybody shares their high of their day, their low of their day, and something they want everybody to know.

12:33Speaker 3:We started doing it.

12:34Speaker 4:A few years ago and it's my youngest child, who's our most full on and volcanic.

12:40Speaker 3:That would be the one every night that.

12:41Speaker 4:Would go, hey, guys, everybody do their hardaut buffalo and I'm going last because mine's the best.

12:45Speaker 3:And some days, like I've got one kid that's quite slow to warm up.

12:48Speaker 4:Some days he'll go skip, skip skip, you know, he's got nothing to say. But often he'll share one a high or a low or a buffalo, and that is incredible because there's a lot of things packaged into that one is sharing one. You're giving that opportunity to talk about the hard stuff. So that's resilience building, and it's eq The highs is gratitude.

13:06Speaker 3:You're fostering gratitude. Amazing.

13:08Speaker 4:The buffalos is just connection and it's often funny or it's just updates, whatever it is, but it's the ritual. It's the ritual that kids love. It's like at night at dinner, we do this thing. And I love to imagine that maybe one day they'll come back for dinner as grown ups and we'll still do it. Like I love to imagine that maybe this will stick for my family. But it's kind of just as simple as that. And that was an idea my husband got from a corporate business meeting. The highlow buffalo was a game they played in the corporation to get to know each other, and he goes, we should try this at home, and I was like, yeah, so it can start as simple as that.

13:42Speaker 3:Any idea is a good idea.

13:43Speaker 2:When you said before, sometimes your son doesn't really give you much. I'm at a stage now where i have a four and a half year old and I'm finding it really difficult to get her to open up. So I'll say how is kinda She'll be like yeah, I'm like what did you do?

13:56Speaker 1:Nothing? I'm like nothing, me, you did nothing?

14:00Speaker 3:Who'd you play with?

14:01Speaker 1:No one? Exactly? So how do you get kids to open up about their day?

14:05Speaker 2:Like, obviously I'm not asking the right questions like is there a tactic to get them to open up to you? And when is the ultimate? When is the ideal time for you to ask these questions?

14:17Speaker 4:Yeah, so there's so many answers in that, but put simply, first of all, our timing is off. We're often asking as we pick them up or as they come in there exactly what I'm doing first, and they need to decompress. So number one timing is off. Let them just recalibrate. Imagine they're a system that just has to download they've got to play first, they've got to eat first, they've got to do whatever they've got to do, maybe have a meltdown first or a poof whatever it is that's got to happen. They cannot share until they've done that thing right. Number two, My biggest tip is to start with something that they love talking about. If you have one of those, like I've got one kid, I pick him up at the gate and he's like, so this I can't relate, Like I get shocked because I've had three older boys that I couldn't get. It was like blood out of a stone, So I can't believe this kid that shares everything. But for those older kids, like A, you've got to wait. B you've got to ask them about something they care about first. And this is for teenagers right down to four year olds or two year old Like we start with like if your child's into Pokemon,

15:24Speaker 4:you go, what's your favorite Pokemon? I've just been thinking about Pokemon. Get them talking on their topic. Then who'd you play with it lunch today?

15:34Speaker 2:I love this? How have I never thought of something like this?

15:37Speaker 1:Never?

15:38Speaker 4:So for my teenager, like if I come in with what I want to know, which is like doeb a girlfriend, Like, I only get stonewalled. But if I go trials are coming up and I've seen you training, how's your training going? Like do you want to update me on the ins and outs of your leg weights? He tells me that, and then I go what's happening?

16:01Speaker 3:You know? And then I go in for the details the deets.

16:04Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, love that. So don't ask straight away.

16:07Speaker 2:Ask some something that's going to be of interest to them or what they're interested in.

16:11Speaker 3:So let the system settle first.

16:12Speaker 4:Go in with something of interest and with your questions if we can make them all open ended, like how was your day?

16:19Speaker 3:You know? Do you have a good day?

16:20Speaker 4:Is kind of a yes or no answer, well yeah, yeah, No, We're trying to go what's something someone did today that made you smile? What was it's the high low buffalo like you can apply that high low buffalo theme. What's one thing that wasn't great today? Was there anything that was a bit of a down of your day? What's one thing that wasn't up? What's one thing I don't know if I was not with you the whole day? Is there anything that I wouldn't know about? It can be as simple as you know, your teacher or a pink top.

16:45Speaker 1:Yeah, love that take the pressure off. Yeah.

16:48Speaker 2:With the end of day for us, we normally come home, I normally put the tally on. I kind of find that like a way for her to decompress. However, what's happening is it the minute I turn that off, It's like my daughter loses it. What is your whole idea around managing screen time? So many mums are in the same boat where they're like, you have to use screen time because it's realistic. Sometimes you just need to get shit done. Sometimes your kids sick, and sometimes, to be honest, they need the screen time. They need it just to sit there and veg like you would. How do we manage it without having a constant battle of removing it?

17:23Speaker 4:Yeah, Look, this is why I've literally created, of course called screen Sanity in seven days because I have struggled so.

17:30Speaker 3:Much with this. All the parents I'm working with struggle so much with this. So first of all, no, you're not alone.

17:34Speaker 4:Second of all, no, if your kid is losing it when you can turn off the TV, that makes sense.

17:38Speaker 3:Yeah, So let's look at what's actually going on.

17:41Speaker 4:Like kids have emotions and screens are part of our world, and any solution people are presenting, we're like, oh, just don't have it because it's bad for it is ridiculous that meltdown is sort of coming, and it's yeah, look and there's so much in it. Like a lot of kids are using that screen to regulate after a big day in the same way as we might like watch Netflix to kind of just tune out, and that can be That can be healthy and fine, particularly for neurodiversent kids, particularly for kids that are adjusting to things, particularly for set sensitive kids or sensory kids.

18:12Speaker 3:This is part of what they do.

18:13Speaker 4:So yeah, they're going to melt down, so we expect that, and once we expect it, we can do some things to help them out with it. Number one, make your rules really clear and concrete and like write them on the fridge.

18:24Speaker 3:I like to have a screen contract. Doesn't mean kids can't.

18:27Speaker 4:Cry, but they know we only do screens between four and five, or we don't do screens midweek, or we like, whatever your rule is, make it really concrete so everyone can do it. For me, my boys dock their phones at night, so there's rules and they're on the fridge.

18:42Speaker 3:Everyone knows about them.

18:43Speaker 4:But then number two, we're not expecting that when we come in and tell our kids screen times over. Even if you give warnings, you know, and this is a good idea, give warnings, get hurt a set of timer.

18:53Speaker 3:You can have an hour of screens. We're going to set the Google.

18:55Speaker 4:Timer or the Alexa timer, and can you set that for me and just set it for an hour. Then when the time it goes off, your kid has had that prep of light. And I know it might be hard to turn off screens. I know it's always hard, but I will still be helping you turn them off.

19:08Speaker 3:You're allowed to be upset about it. I will still be turning it off.

19:10Speaker 4:Then when the time it goes off, you're not expecting you try to go all the time it's gone off.

19:13Speaker 3:I'll just turn off the TV and be happy about it.

19:15Speaker 1:They're not going to do that.

19:16Speaker 3:They're going to totally still struggle.

19:17Speaker 4:And then you go, I can see you having a hard time, but our time has gone off.

19:21Speaker 3:Remember that was our rule.

19:22Speaker 4:It's on the fridge, and I told you it would be happening, and I'm going to help you by turning off the TV.

19:25Speaker 3:And I'm going to put the right up.

19:26Speaker 4:There, and then you just expect and accept. Yeah, you're going to have big feelings about it, because it's really fun watching TV, and it's really hard when it gets turned off and you are only four or five or eight or fourteen. Yeah, and it is hard when that happens.

19:41Speaker 1:And that's okay, okay.

19:43Speaker 2:So we've talked about navigating big feelings. What happens when we're talking about navigating big transitions. So maybe your child is starting school, maybe they've got a new sibling, maybe you're moving house. Often there's like a range of emotions that come with that, but they're kind of hidden. How do you navigate that?

20:00Speaker 4:Talking about what might be hard in advance is really helpful. Preparing for emotions is really helpful. So it's really hard with the two year old and a new baby. There's not much we can do in advance, but we can certainly say there's a baby coming, and there might.

20:14Speaker 3:Be moments where it's noisy or it cries.

20:17Speaker 4:Rather than telling our kids before they start school or before they become a sibling, you're going to start school, it's going to be amazing. You have the best time. You big brother, it's going to be the best it's going to be a best friend. Anything we do where there's a change is going to be a little bit hard. There's going to be a mix of emotions, and some will be positive and some won't be so positive, but they're all part of that experience. So if we can set the tone that there is a sink coming up that will be different, and it might be hard, and it might also be good and exciting, there'll be this mix of emotions. And then as much as we can walk a kid through, particularly like the transition to school is a little bit different, we can actively walk them through as much of that as possible. So lots of tours, lots of social stories, giving them the visual expectations of it, and Mum will drop you off at the gate and it might be hard to say good buy in that first day and you might feel a bit nervous, but you might also feel excited. All of that's okay, and I will come back to pick you up. So the

21:09Speaker 4:more we can talk them through that the better. Then we want to do physical prep again for school, so practicing opening, closing a lunch, fox, getting our uniform on, all of that stuff. Can't do that so much for a baby, but we can practice like that there'll be a baby and give them a baby, and then it's really just again expecting and allowing that there will be a transition process for me. The two biggest transitions in a young child's life, without fail are number one, becoming a big brother or sister.

21:37Speaker 3:Number two, start in kindergarten.

21:38Speaker 4:And the first one is obvious, right, they have to learn to share you with a whole other person, and that's the transition that takes out of you. And then the second one, I think is starting kindergarten because the demands and expectations these days of kindergarten are so much greater than they were in the eighties, and we are just expecting so much academically socially, they're right into team spots, everything's on, and we're expecting them to be like, you know, writing in cursive within two weeks kind of thing. It just doesn't happen, and their little systems get really really overloaded, and we will see meltdowns that last about a year in line with the sibling transition, because they're learning like how to sort of adjust their whole systems. I wish it was easier on them. But yeah, they're two big transitions.

22:23Speaker 2:With the whole sibling thing, I'm constantly saying, don't do that, don't touch that, stop hitting him, don't pinch him, don't pull her hair. How can we handle sibling fights without always playing referee?

22:36Speaker 4:Yeah, so the first thing we want to do is accept them as completely normal and healthy and actually, sibling fighting is how kids learn about negotiation and power and relationships, and there's heapes of positives in it. Once we view it as a positive, we can actually step out of the.

22:51Speaker 3:Middle a little bit.

22:53Speaker 4:So we actually want to stop being that, stop this, stop that, step out of the middle, and instead we start to narrate. I can see two kids struggling over how you're going to share this toy, and I can't wait to see how you work this out. Right, you're actually sort of stepping back from it being your responsibility to adjudicate.

23:12Speaker 3:You're just narrating like you're calling a horse race. WHOA, things are getting really heated.

23:17Speaker 4:The only time you are stepping in, right, The only time you are stepping in is if a core rule is being broken. So my care rules no hitting or hurting each other, h or the dog or whatever. Number two no name calling, yeap, even benign names. And number three when someone is crying or saying stop, we stop and we check on them.

23:40Speaker 1:Yeah.

23:40Speaker 3:The third one is really important because it's consent.

23:42Speaker 4:It's actually teaching kids how to read social cues and actually respond right. And the other ones are just my care rules because that's unsafe if we're not stepping in when they're physically hurting each other or emotionally hurting each other. Yeah, so you can be frustrated and you can yell and scream at each other, and I'll go, whoa, yeah you go.

23:59Speaker 3:I just you know, I narrate if I can feel they need me.

24:02Speaker 4:But a lot of the time, like yeah, I'm hearing it, I'm not stepping in until they're really needing that support, and with practice, your kids get better at it. So a really quick example, two kids are rumbling on the trampoline. One is not having a good time, the other one is having a ball, and the one not having a good time might have shown this but hasn't clearly articulated it even but you can see it's about to end in tears, or you can hear it in the tone or the build as parents, and you come close and go, I'm.

24:31Speaker 3:Hearing two kids.

24:33Speaker 4:One's having a really good time, like you're narrating a horse race, and the other one like, Tommy.

24:37Speaker 3:You're not looking good, Charlie. Should we check on Tommy? It just does not look like he's enjoying this game. Do you want to check our name? You're not able to I'm in a checker name. Are you okay? Yeah?

24:46Speaker 4:He's not okay. We're gonna have to redirect this game, guys. I wonder what you can come up with. But you're pulling yourself more and more out of that role, and eventually they learn to say, like when one of them is not happy, the other one will go, oh, are you okay? They're still going to fight. They're meant to fight. They're gonna pick and pick and pick at each other because that's what siblings do. But as long as they know that you will consistently and always step in with the same response when they're hurting or name calling, that's a safe way to kind of be out of the middle of a lot of it.

25:15Speaker 3:But stepping in when they need it.

25:18Speaker 4:Which absolutely I'm still stepping in all the time, and like, well, Okay, it looks like you guys need my help. I cannot let you hit. I'm coming between you guys. I am going to go with you to your room. I'm going to come back and check on you.

25:30Speaker 3:Guys. We can work this out.

25:32Speaker 4:Stay neutral, try to help them both to learn when kids are fighting and it's ending in name calling or physical violence, we're looking at high emotion, low skill.

25:43Speaker 3:So we're going to build a skill.

25:44Speaker 1:Yeah. Okay.

25:45Speaker 2:Lastly, Jen, if I only had time to learn one connection strategy, what should it be?

25:52Speaker 3:Oh? God, last question.

25:55Speaker 2:Don't say three because everyone's always like, oh but I've got threat.

25:58Speaker 3:No, No, just one, okay, just a tuning being with your child where they're at.

26:05Speaker 4:So sometimes we want connection to be like happy, like I meet you at the school gate and I'm like, hey, mom's got the afternoon. If we're going to like have the best time, like let's connect, and your kids like.

26:17Speaker 3:Nah, not vibing it. I am hungry. You can get stuffed.

26:23Speaker 4:Yeah, and we push on with this agenda, but we're no, but we're meant to be having this really nice time, and so I'm going to try and make it better because then we're gonna have this nice connection and connection is actually it's just a tuning. It's like the kid in front of me, you're not feeling the vibe of like really fun, looks like you've had a really hard day.

26:39Speaker 3:That's it.

26:40Speaker 4:Like just being there that feels amazing, Like if we can learn to do that. And it's every kind of scenario like your kid goes you like my sibling more than me, and instead of just jumping to fix that, we go, wow, that sounds tough, feels like something feels a bit unjust here.

26:58Speaker 3:I'd love to know more. Yeah, slow down. That is the most amazing, so freaking hard.

27:05Speaker 1:Yeah.

27:05Speaker 4:So really, what I'm saying is, try to grab a pause. The pause allows you to tune into where your kid is instead of what your gender is and what your autopilot's trying to.

27:14Speaker 3:Do in any of these scenarios. Pause, what's actually happening here? Thanks?

27:19Speaker 1:The biggest difference these tips.

27:22Speaker 2:I'm almost gobsmacked at how incredible they are and how quickly you've been able to give them.

27:28Speaker 1:Often like there's a lot of talk like oh maybe.

27:30Speaker 2:This maybe that nut You've been so direct, what is it for today's episode of Ask or Not? Huge? Thank you to gen from Connected Parenting for giving us such grounded, practical tools for handling the tough moments, but also while building trust in connection with our kids, which is obviously the most important part. I love that you said parenting really isn't about perfection, Like you haven't through this entire chat, you haven't been like, oh, yeah, we should really be doing that. You're like, no, no one can stay calm.

27:55Speaker 2:It's freaking hard and sometimes.

27:57Speaker 1:It does feel like a bit of a circus.

28:00Speaker 2:If people want to ask you more questions, where can they find you Connected Parenting?

28:03Speaker 3:Are you on insta websites, Connectedparenting.

28:06Speaker 4:Dot com dot au or get my book Little People, Big Feelings available everywhere.

28:11Speaker 1:Thank you so much.

28:13Speaker 2:If you have found this episode helpful, share it with a friend who's in the thick of parenting right now and see you next week.

28:18Speaker 3:Thanks Chan, Bye, Thank you.