“How do you survive your first day back from mat leave?”

0:00Speaker 1:You're returning to work on what society has now told you is the earlier side of things. So you're allowed to acknowledge that I wish I had more time at home with your baby. Like, that's absolutely fine that you feel that way. It's also absolutely fine that you're returning to work and doing what your family needs, yeah, to put food on the table.

0:15Speaker 2:So both things can be true at once.

0:17Speaker 1:But you're allowed to feel sad because it's a massive change.

0:22Speaker 3:This podcast was recorded on the lands of the boon Warong people of the Kulan Nation, the land on which we're lucky enough to raise our sons and daughters, always was, and always will be Aboriginal land.

0:34Speaker 2:Hello, and welcome to do you ready or not?

0:36Speaker 3:The show where we answer three of your questions on making work work alongside motherhood.

0:40Speaker 2:I'm loan, I am.

0:41Speaker 3:Was, And today you are asking us all about surviving that first day back at work, particularly when it coincides with your child's first day of daycare.

0:48Speaker 2:That's hard, how.

0:49Speaker 3:To push back on after hours meetings, and the real deal on making a remote job work with little kids at home.

0:55Speaker 1:Oh, great questions, Let's get straight into it. First question comes from Katia, I'm getting ready to go back to work after being on four months maternity leave. Like other load to middle income households, we can't afford any longer than what the government provides. Any tips to make the first day back at work with my little ones, first day of daycare easier and less likely to bare my eyes out at my desk. I'd much rather be a stay at home mum, but in this economy, we can't make it work. Oh Cartier, I want to give you a hug, firstly, because that's really hard that you don't want to be going back and that you feel like it's a decision that you didn't make.

1:30Speaker 2:So many people are in this box.

1:31Speaker 3:Yeah, so many people sometimes feel like I am partially in this boat, because there are days when I genuinely don't want to go to work and I want to spend the day with my kids. And it is really, really fucking hard when you're dropping off their kids and they're upset. Yeah, it can derail your whole morning, it derails your whole day. And just know that within the fifteen minutes of you leaving, they're going to be happy.

1:51Speaker 2:They will have found their person.

1:53Speaker 3:I found what helps me and what really helped me when I first started back at work was to call the daycare center. It can feel like you're like, I'm over the top. No, if it makes you feel at ease, go for it. After you drop them off, give them a big cuddle, say that you'll pick them up. Make sure that you feel really confident with your educators. So I think having confident in the childcare place or daycare place that you choose is really important.

2:18Speaker 1:Relationships with the educators to be a really important one for us.

2:21Speaker 3:Yeah, and then if you need to call the daycare, do it and be like, hey, I'm feeling really stressed. I just dropped off Johnny. They were beside themselves. How are they now? Guarantee they'll be like they're fine, he's having a great time.

2:36Speaker 2:Exploring the Yeah.

2:38Speaker 3:And if you need a couple of extra photos that day, or if you need a couple of extra updates, do not hesitate to ask. It can make a lot of difference for your experience of routain to work. And it's also just it's an easy ask. If you need it, what would you say?

2:53Speaker 1:I would say in terms of sort of practically making that day a bit easier, I would focus less on not crying. I know you don't want to be a bumbling mess at your desk, but you're returning to work, and I don't say this with any judgment. You're returning to work on what society has now told you is the earlier side of things. So you're allowed to acknowledge that I wish I had more time at home with your baby. Like, that's absolutely fine that you feel that way.

3:17Speaker 1:It's also absolutely fine that you're returning to work and doing what your family needs it would to put food on the table. So both things can be true at once. But you're allowed to feel sad because it's a massive change. So firstly, I try hard not to be too brave about the whole thing because it's a massive change for you. Secondly, I would allow for I really hope that you have someone at work that you love. I'd allow for ten fifteen minute coffee with them, bring some joy into your day.

3:41Speaker 1:I'd allow for little pockets of time to go for a walk around the block, get some fresh air and all that sort of stuff. Do the sorts of things that are harder to do when you've got a baby strap to you that might be crying, So try and bring in little bits of time in those returning days that bring some joy.

3:58Speaker 2:What else would I do? Oh, I'd just say to go easier on yourself, on your emotions. You're allowed to feel that way. Yeah, And it's normal.

4:04Speaker 3:The fact that your child cries when you drop them off is also I know what's horrible to hear, but it is normal. Like they're attached to you, they love you, they're sad to see you leave, like you're feeling that too. Don't make yourself doubt that you're doing the right thing, because you are doing the right thing for your family. And I'm telling you now from my own experience, there have been times when I have dropped sen day care at eight months and she cried, but then at ten months she was fine, and then at three and a half.

4:32Speaker 2:She was like, Mom, don't leave.

4:33Speaker 3:Like there's always little periods of whatever it might be going on in their minds where it fluctuates. So it's not you, it's whole environmental issue. To be honest, don't take it personally, is what I'm trying to add.

4:46Speaker 1:And don't actually you've failed or done anything wrong way having to do this path that you're taking because it's just the reality of life. The other thing I would say is if you're sort of feeling like, oh, my baby's going to be one of the littlest babies in the room, I guarantee you be other babies, yes, a similar age, maybe not at that exact first drop off, maybe not at the next one, but there will be other babies in that room on those days.

5:07Speaker 2:And what was my last one going to be? I actually can't remember. Fuck.

5:11Speaker 3:I would also connect if you can, with your manager and just give them a heads up. This is the first day of starting daycare. I'm feeling really nervous. I'm really worried about how drop off's going to go. Hopefully they're a parent. If they're not, still say it anyway, so then at least they know what to expect when you come into work, because there's nothing worse than coming into work and trying to hold you together and be like, I'm going to fucking lose my mind here.

5:30Speaker 1:And if you're partnered and they're able to do some of the drop offs that greatly helped me in the early days.

5:34Speaker 2:I actually know what I was going to say now.

5:36Speaker 1:So outside of if you've partnered and you can avoid some of those drop offs and do the pickups.

5:41Speaker 2:Yeah, they're much better. They are yourself.

5:43Speaker 1:I'd also say that our experience with our childcare has been nothing but good. We have had the best experience. I love our educators, and looking back, we have not had one of those horror stories that you hear of. We haven't even had anything mildly bad. It's been a positive, great thing for us, and hopefully that gives you some comfort that yours might be too.

6:03Speaker 3:Question two a non studying I love it when it's anonymous. She said, Hi, there, love your work. I just included that.

6:11Speaker 2:I was like, is she going to.

6:14Speaker 3:I have two children, one and three, and have just returned from twelve months of parentally but working temporarily at three days a week in my people lead a role. I am still breastfeeding my youngest to sleep every night. It's the only thing that works in our family and I don't want to stop yet. However, my role often has after our meetings with externals ie maybe once a week. My question is how can I push back on attending these meetings at least until I finish breastfeeding. It is so inflexible for me, But I also understand that a senior representative needs to be at these meetings. It is not in my PD that I must attend these types of meetings, and time in lou is offered, But the reality is you can't really ever take time in lou when you work part time.

6:50Speaker 2:Amen.

6:51Speaker 3:I know I would be breastfeeding forever or have very little kids forever, But it feels like my manager is silently pressuring me to work like I don't have children and pretend that my three days a week of work aren't still bookended by full time at parenting.

7:02Speaker 2:That is so hard.

7:03Speaker 1:I would to be honest, I would just be pretty straight down the line.

7:07Speaker 2:It's not working for me.

7:09Speaker 1:I have two children, as you know, they need be outside of my work hours for the next three months. I'm not going to be able to do this, and then I'll revisit if it will fit into my schedule after that. Like, there's nothing like kids to be like, oh no, that's something I actually can't do.

7:23Speaker 2:Yeah, because you.

7:24Speaker 1:Know, before I had kids, I feel like the idea of saying no almost doesn't exist because it's like time don't have any monkeys when you have a child and you're like oh no, I have to pick Ray up from Kinder at three pm on Thursday. Yep, so I simply cannot be there. I would just apply the same logic. Just because you can log onto a team's meeting from home at six thirty at night doesn't mean you should if it's not your PD.

7:46Speaker 2:Yeah, what would you say?

7:48Speaker 3:I would say if you can't say no, I would look at who you can delegate it to as a learning or development opportunity. Love, That's what I would do from Yeah, So if there's somebody in your team that you think is or wants to be stretched or wants an opportunity to engage with senior leaders. Often people that are a bit green ut love getting exec or getting some form of I don't know it.

8:10Speaker 2:Just like a look into the lot to the high people up there.

8:13Speaker 3:Yeah, as you get older, you're like, I get turn you down and exactly, But you might be able to offer that instead. It's not essential that you tend every one of these meetings because, to be honest, half of meetings are bogus and you can get a transcript and work it out from there. They can record the meeting, or to be honest, if you're finding these meetings after hours are a waste of time. I would ask for an agenda in advance and say do I need to make any decisions within this meetings? Do you get a yes or no on something? And then I would make a real blanket rule. If a decision isn't required in any of these meetings from me, and it's more of a nice to have me there, I would be happy to spend that time listening to the transcript afterwards, answering any questions off the back of that within my work hours, and sending a representative from my team to list in.

9:00Speaker 3:Unless I'm required to make a decision, I won't be attending.

9:04Speaker 1:I'm also like, who are these leaders that are putting these out of ours meetings in?

9:07Speaker 3:Everybody doesn't so many people? Yeah, and it depends on your time zones, like I remember with my zones, it must be time. Yeah. With my old work we had our director was in the UK, there's a lot of meetings for eight pm upwards, and some of these meetings, to be honest, we'll like to touch base.

9:22Speaker 2:I don't want touch base. No, I'm not interested. Here's to a good week.

9:26Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, great to see Yeah, correct, I think getting clear on the agenda is a great idea.

9:31Speaker 2:Yeah.

9:31Speaker 3:And also just remember the time and LOO thing. I almost feel like you have to point out I appreciate your offering me time in lou but realistically I have no opportunity to take it.

9:41Speaker 2:When am I allowed to take it?

9:42Speaker 1:Like you're already putting meetings outside of the three days that I'm contracted to work.

9:46Speaker 2:Yeah, how am I going to fit in my time in loop? Yeah?

9:49Speaker 3:And you're right, your kids are little. You aren't going to be breastfeeding forever. So if you want to continue breastfeeding and that's what works for your family, you're going to have to draw a line the sand and be staunch about.

9:59Speaker 1:Yeah, and just be about And you don't have to be aggressive. You don't have to be like negative. It doesn't have to be this big thing.

10:05Speaker 2:Just be clear.

10:05Speaker 1:This isn't something that I can actually do at the moment. It doesn't work for my family.

10:08Speaker 2:Yeap.

10:08Speaker 3:And if it's with a male I guarantee you they're going to feel more uncomfortable than you. Yeah, that conversation, Yeah, bressed to feeding all right.

10:18Speaker 1:Number three this comes from pip Art. Would love if you could cover working in a mostly remote job, like how this works with having kids at home, potentially drop offs, pickups, logging back in at night, staying focused during the day, and not being disrupted by laundry, et cetera.

10:33Speaker 2:Sister, I feel you because this is me.

10:35Speaker 1:I'm in the very lucky position though, where if I'm working down the coast, which is basically if I'm not recording with you, I have full time work down the coast or for my three days a week. I am really lucky that my friends have like a coworking space that's affordable that's where I go to work, because I actually can't work from home at the moment. It's not serving me. I find like all I do in that morning is have a really rushed morning with the kids, stressed about getting everywhere on time, and then just going home to a house that's messy, where there's laundry to do, there's probably a few dishes still.

11:06Speaker 2:In the sink. It was just driving me mad so I couldn't do it.

11:09Speaker 1:So if it's accessible too, I know this isn't going to work for everyone. Could you work from even the library, like, get yourself out there, I promise you. If you're finding it hard to work from home. It's an absolute game changer.

11:21Speaker 2:What else will we add? Do you work from home? Sometimes you piggyback off me, babes.

11:25Speaker 3:Yeah, I treat working from home like working in an office. I don't treat them any differently. I think the conversation that you have with your partner around pickup drop offs is exactly the same. If you are in a situation where you want to have your kids at home during the day, Firstly, you're going to have to be bloody stringer on your calendar and really time block and you most likely will have to log back in at night to finish stuff because kids are unpredictable. They don't respect boundaries, closed doors, quiet time. If they're under the age of I don't know ten, yeah, they're probably.

11:55Speaker 1:Like yeah, they're like, I don't care, I don't care to litis on a whip on your whatever, a whip man.

12:00Speaker 3:You might actually feel more guilty with them in your space than you would at a library.

12:05Speaker 2:Yeah.

12:05Speaker 1:You and I often have to have whips together online during our kids' days, and sometimes it works and it's fine, But the other day, like, just to make this person feel better, I was like, I'm so sorry. Guys, I'm about to have an anxiety attack and I literally just shut my laptop. Yeah, it's never happened, but sometimes it does happen like that. I think if you're talking about how to use your time if your kids are home, I feel like meetings only really work in the middle of the day with kids because you can give them either their nap if they're still napping, or you can give them some quiet time with a movie.

12:33Speaker 2:Yeah.

12:34Speaker 1:I tend to only if I have to work on a day that my kids are there at school, holidays, like it's been this week, I've had a few freelance meetings. I only do it at midday basically because otherwise I'm like, I just know that, like mid morning, they're two nuts and I need to be out with them.

12:47Speaker 2:Yeap midavo.

12:48Speaker 1:God knows what that time of the day is going to bring, but it normally doesn't bring anything to go.

12:53Speaker 2:Yeah, they're distracted by laundry. Part.

12:54Speaker 3:I find it interesting when I work from home, I block out time where I get.

13:00Speaker 1:Stuff done, like use your lunch, how to do what you need to around the house, which is also so annoying for myself.

13:06Speaker 3:It's annoying that I do that, but then part of me is like, well, I don't want to be doing it at nine o'clock at night. I've got the time now, I may as well do it. So it depends on how you think about it. But I would also lean into what Lou said before. It is not your job just because you are working from home. Yes, to do all the domestic household tasks that your partner isn't doing because they're in the office, that is not on you. That is still a split responsibility. How you manage that is a conversation. But you're still doing a full time or part time whatever it looks like load in the hours that you have just because you're at home. Don't allocate all your time to unpacking and stacking and you know, drying all your clothes.

13:46Speaker 2:That's not what you're being paid to do.

13:47Speaker 1:Just do it in a heightened state, like it's funny you're doing the work. If your house literally feels like a pig sty and you're finding it hard to work within it, you're in a heightened state there. But you're also in a heightened state if you start doing all the housework knowing that this is your precious work time. If your kids are in care or whatever, and so you just feel shit across the board. I would highly recommend giving yourself like you could even be like, this is my focus day, and that's your library day. You go to the library that day, and then your other two days a week. Let's say you're working three or four days, maybe two library days a week, two days where I work from home and can give myself a bit more flexibility to do things that I genuinely need to do. Again though, reminding yourself that, like the tasks at the home, don't just fall on you because you're within it. Yeah, if you're working, you're working.

14:27Speaker 2:Yeah, And block your calendar like a pro.

14:30Speaker 3:Like if you need five minute brain breaks or whatever they do at school for kids, do it for yourself. Put it in your calendar as like a fifteen minute walk around the block and do a thing of laundry. Do whatever you are going to feel to feel calm and refresh and feel like you're ticking stuff off your to do list, whatever that looks like for you. But I would block your work calendar like absolute pro.

14:49Speaker 1:And I would also say look at your day more holistically of when you'd rather get things done, like For me, it pays to get my paid work done in the time that my kids cared for. And if I really have to do housework that night or hates and I have to do it together whatever, I'd actually rather do that quietly around the kids, because you can't work and do most housework at the same same time. Yeah, it's hard, but you can parent and do a bit of a housework at the same time. And my kids are going to bed pretty late these days, so like trying to factor in work after they've gone to sleep, Oh, you'll be working night, which I know we have for reasons we can't tell. My God, it's exhausting and it's unpredictable.

15:27Speaker 1:Like the stress of it is unpredictable. If I could say that my kids go to bed at six thirty seven every night, it wouldn't bother me as much, start work at seven thirty, work till ten.

15:34Speaker 3:But when they're not going to bed tole eight thirty nine, you're like fruity, yeah, yeah, yeah it is I can.

15:39Speaker 2:That helped. Hopefully that helped.

15:41Speaker 3:If you love today's episode, please send us some more of your questions. They are great. Follow us I'm Ready or Not dot pod and send us last review.

15:51Speaker 2:See you next week. I'll see you next week. Bye.