Podcast · Comedy

If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

by If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes · English · Comedy

Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes, a podcast about navigating the cruelty chaos, and wonder of our terrifying world. Niki, John, LB— and our producer Jordo— try to find meaning and clarity one or twelve subjects at a time: from the menu at Cheesecake Factory to a human man dressed up as

New episodes: Weekly
Typical length: 56 min
Latest: 12 Oct 2026
Language: English

Latest episode

12 Oct 2026 · 1 hr 1 minNew

How to Mute Your Microwave

With merritt aboard the International Space Station, Niki and John set about their most challenging task yet: Reducing the average price of new cars sold in the United States of America. Also, why didn't we let Elizabeth Holmes keep going? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on…

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Earlier episodes 29 most recent

S2026 · E202 · 5 Oct 2026 · 59 min
What Secrets Does Vatican Hold
Honorary driver Michael Higham returns to help John and merritt plan the first-ever Drivey Airport Lounge, including such innovations as the Person in Residence, honor system sleep pods, the vacuum bed and others, in addition to broader topics such as Big Head Todd and the Monsters, the #4-ranked Runescape player in the world, and if you can believe it, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki…
S2026 · E201 · 28 Sep 2026 · 49 min
Save Money on Hot
merritt bravely weathers her debilitating illness to help John and Niki handle a slew of new problems facing everyday people, including what we're thickening, the Caligulan excess of artificial temperature differences, the Canadian Football League, and much more, including the return of Niki's Picks and Scam Text Theater. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by…
S2026 · E200 · 21 Sep 2026 · 58 min
We Let You Say It
Wow, 200 episodes. It seems like only yesterday that I found John, Niki, merritt and LB in that puddle of green ooze in the sewers underneath New York City, and now look at them. A rough a tumble team of crime fighters, each with their own unique skills and abilities, working together to protect everyday people from the nefarious Foot Clan and its ruthless leader, Shredder. Also featuring the return of Niki's Picks! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six…
S2026 · E199 · 14 Sep 2026 · 53 min
Almond Brothers
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because John, merritt and Niki definitely are!!!!! It's time for the new season to start and that means YOU get a one-way trip to the end zone for a podcast jam-cracked full of insights, predictions and postulations about that dang ol' pigskin. FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced…
S2026 · E198 · 7 Sep 2026 · 49 min
Richard "Dick" Pants
merritt, John and Niki discuss Tom, Jerry, and the importance of family. Also I think Mike Meyers is in there somewhere. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving…
S2026 · E197 · 31 Aug 2026 · 57 min
Bikini Couch and the Upside-down Car
Okay yes, we can't act like it doesn't happen: Niki, merritt and John talk about Grand Theft Auto 6 on this episode. But it's not the only thing they talk about! Please!! You have to understand!! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky:…
S2026 · E196 · 24 Aug 2026 · 57 min
Guest House of Mouse
But really, how much can Frasier Crane Dot Com possibly cost? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
S2026 · E195 · 17 Aug 2026 · 1 hr 1 min
The Full Nightbane
Folks, it's a full Nightbane episode. That's right, if you for some reason aren't aware or haven't listened to the bonuses, Merritt frequently has Niki and John playing legally-distinct-from-Clive-Barker's- Nightbreed tabletop role-playing game Nightbane in bonus episodes. This full episode is just a long version of that, complete with character creation and a short campaign. Do you like how Niki and John played? Do you like Lizard Caplan and Jenna? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling…
S2026 · E194 · 10 Aug 2026 · 55 min
The Great White Off 2026
Could this be the final White Off ever??? Is this the longest Gimmick Month in If You're Driving history?????? To answer these questions and many more, please listen to the episode. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social…
S2026 · E193 · 3 Aug 2026 · 52 min
Driving Week
Gimmick Month continues with all the car-related fun you can pack into one hour. Come travel the highways and byways with us. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon:…
S2026 · E192 · 27 Jul 2026 · 58 min
Normal Week
Gimmick Month continues with Normal Week, the most regular week of the show to date. It's very "business as usual" hours in here this episode, so don't be surprised if things are exactly how you expect them to be. It's normal! Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky:…
S2026 · E191 · 20 Jul 2026 · 50 min
Smooth Week
Gimmick Month continues with the return of Smooth Week, back after a long absence for reasons we're just not gonna get into! How will Smooth by Santana (feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20) match up against Smooth by Santana (feat. Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20) in this year's head-to-head battle? And did you remember to do your homework? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and…
S2026 · E190 · 13 Jul 2026 · 55 min
Teen Week
Gimmick Month continues with Teen Week , where Niki, John and merritt not only embody the teens of today, but also try and reformat the show to be more appealing to the dozens of teens out there listening to podcasts. Is GTA overrated? Are you on Glimber? Where are all of our dads? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan…
S2026 · E189 · 6 Jul 2026 · 54 min
Week Week
It's once again time for Gimmick Month, the five-week experience where this show has some sort of coherent theme or premise, totally unlike how it normally is! This week's theme: What's the best week of the year? Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky:…
S2026 · E188 · 29 Jun 2026 · 51 min
Who Domed Buzz Lightyear?
Fresh from a theater with a very peculiar bathroom, merritt, John and Niki discuss the latest entry in the Toy Story franchise, how "toy" is determined and who decides what gets sentience, kid brain osmosis, Toy of the Year in 2001, Bionicles, Z-Bots, and somehow, additional things that aren't toys. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with…
S2026 · E187 · 22 Jun 2026 · 55 min
Horse of the Year
merritt, John and Niki investigate what little remains of the world of soap operas, before moving on to the roller coaters of Dubai, "British Linus," knife training videos, Brazil Dot Com, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky:…
S2026 · E187 · 22 Jun 2026 · 26 min
Ep. 187 Bonus: Drunken Wolverine Ninja Kung-Fu: The Home Game
Hey!!! We decided to make this week's Patreon-exclusive bonus episode available to everyone, just to give y'all a little taste of what you're missing out on. If you liked this, there's tons more bonus content already waiting for you at https://www.patreon.com/ifyouredriving ! Okay bye! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
S2026 · E186 · 15 Jun 2026 · 56 min
Aaahh!!! Real Judo
With Jordan back on the sticks, Niki, merritt and John attempt to tackle their biggest responsibility of the year: Planning for Gimmick Month. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/ifyouredriving.bsky.social Support us on Patreon:…
S2026 · E185 · 8 Jun 2026 · 56 min
Til Death Do You Straight
Drivey note: this week's episode has been untouched by the loving hands of producer Jordan Mallory. John is much worse at Jordan's job than Jordan is, so please forgive this week for any audio issues or snafus. This week, John bravely asks the question "what if we gave just a few minutes to acknowledge the straights" to Merritt and Niki on this, the first day of Pride (at least when we recorded it). Explore straight history and culture with us, including the idea that fearing planes, like John Madden, makes you a little gay. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a…
S2026 · E184 · 1 Jun 2026 · 57 min
Hails or Teads
This week merritt, John and Niki do an extended Star Wars goof (I don't think any of these spoilers are real, but who can say, really? I sure as shit didn't watch that movie), before moving on to greener, less celestial pastures, including any date between 2000 and 2010, a specific guy running for governor of California, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John…
S2026 · E183 · 25 May 2026 · 56 min
ABC vs NBC: Mark of the Millennium 2001
This week Niki, John and merritt discuss their shower habits, the contents of the Nickelodeon time capsule, skinned Grogu, the premise of 1997 ABC television series Teen Angel , the ending of Full House, and gang? Somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky:…
S2026 · E182 · 18 May 2026 · 52 min
The Scions of the Tool Man
Niki is out this week, but merritt and John still find plenty to talk about in the meantime. Well, by "plenty" I mean mostly Tim Allen, but there's some other stuff in there too! Netbooks, Destiny 2 nightmares, child actors and their fates, reverse engineering the plot of Pixels -- there's more going on here than just Tim Allen. I'll be honest though, lotta Tim Allen in this one. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by…
S2026 · E181 · 11 May 2026 · 55 min
Pastor Princess
John, Niki and merritt assess the 2026 Met Gala in real time, providing up-to-the-minute details and analysis of all the freaks in their weird getups, in addition to discussing related topics such as future Met Gala theme ideas, the surgery that makes you Korean, what constitutes a helmet, Eli Lilly's iron grasp on your grandma, defunct social media networks, and gang? Somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time.…
S2026 · E180 · 4 May 2026 · 54 min
Reconstruction Indicator
merritt, Niki and John talk about Ted Lasso for a really, really long time, after which they discuss shoes, the legend of Achilles, the Will Smith vehicle Hancock , and now that the gang is back together, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by Jordan Mallory , with music by Jordan and art by Max Schwartz . Follow us on Bluesky:…
S2026 · E179 · 27 Apr 2026 · 1 hr 5 min
All Women Are Related
Niki and John wrap up their doubles set by discussing what happens to your soul if/when you die in space, seeing dangerous animals in the wild, hunting Big the Cat, Niki's legally relevant total lack of opinions on The Super Mario Galaxy Movie , the Glossary of terms in our Discord server, movie remakes they haven't done yet, and if you can believe it, somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki…
S2026 · E178 · 20 Apr 2026 · 58 min
Hiding Under Desks Was Better Than This
merritt's back in space for some reason, I dunno I've lost track, but John and Niki are still here holding down the fort and talking about important issues that affect our lives daily, including the Pope, phone calls from Burger King, the sad tale of albert the alligator, the new fockers movie, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and produced by…
S2026 · E177 · 13 Apr 2026 · 57 min
1-900-SMUT-BUSTERS
John, Niki and merritt pause their Smut-Busting activities to refocus on more pressing matters, which include (but are not limited to) Shrek 5, the new "patched' Whopper ® from Burger King (Home of the Whopper ® ), leaving important voicemails for important people, the burgers they got on the space station, HEB(!!!!), dating Shaboozey and, somehow, even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson ,…
S2026 · E176 · 6 Apr 2026 · 51 min
John's Razors
merritt reunites with John and Niki via satellite for an update on the status of the Artemis II mission (which everyone on the show was definitely aware of), a brief discussion about various use cases for pneumatic tubes in the household, the plot to kill the baseball child, merritt's first royalty check from Marvel Comics, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John…
S2026 · E175 · 30 Mar 2026 · 59 min
The Wilt Chamberlain of Elevators
Apparently it's Elevator Week, so John, Michael and Niki discuss a number of topics relevant to the theme, including what everyone's favorite elevator is, whether you press the open/close door buttons, the Guardians of the Galaxy redesign of the Tower of Terror , elevators with various interior finishes, and somehow even more. Welcome to If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes , a listener-supported comedy podcast where three noble explorers chip away at the crumbling foundations of reality, five or six simultaneous topics at a time. Hosted by Niki Grayson , merritt k and John Warren , and…

About If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes

If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes is a English comedy podcast from If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes. Melo plays each episode straight from the publisher's own feed — no ads added, no account needed — and remembers where you stopped, in this browser only.

Publisher: If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes
Language: English
Category: Comedy
New episodes: Weekly
Typical length: 56 min
Latest episode: 12 Oct 2026
Feed: RSS — paste into any podcast app
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/podcast/id1648903956
Rights: If You're Driving, Close Your Eyes 2022

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