Relationship Rage

0:14Speaker 1:Welcome to the Rage Pod. I'm here with the Tara ericson, I'm here with e Bar and of course we are joined by Wendy, our incredible producer who loves helicopters.

0:25Speaker 2:Yeah she does. She's a little obsessed. We're trying to get her to move off into another signal, but it hasn't worked.

0:30Speaker 1:No. No, I'm into trains. Everyone knows that, which just basically means what am I on the spectrum?

0:38Speaker 2:You really are.

0:43Speaker 1:Like you like me because I love trains.

0:46Speaker 2:But Ebar, you have convinced me, and like, let's just talk about we got to talk about what we're raging this week. I'm not trying to get a copter again. But I'm telling you right now that you have asked me several times to go to the train on at in Los FiOS and it is fun as hell, but you are dedicated to it.

1:05Speaker 1:Yeah. So also though that trained to be fair, there's like miniature sets.

1:12Speaker 2:I know I love decently.

1:14Speaker 1:That's what I'm saying. How are you not like over the moon for it?

1:17Speaker 2:I do? I do love it, just I don't know. You're a train gal. I am a train girl, and like, just in case nobody knew it like she's a train gal.

1:26Speaker 1:I'm gonna tell you right now. Flight lost power on landing this past week. It's just another another town to go to the train and the train on the train side.

1:36Speaker 2:Just so you know, she looked up how much it would be to buy a caboost from a train and hook it on to a train, like legitimately, she looked up how much it would be. So when I am saying she is a trained girl, I am not joking. Yeah, she spent her real time on that.

1:52Speaker 1:Well, I told Bend to do it, but I did. I looked up the general ideas of it, and then I was like, oh you can do that. Can you figure out how much it costs?

2:02Speaker 2:All right? So what do you think about?

2:04Speaker 1:That's a good uh theme connector anyway, So yeah, let's talk let's jump into relationship rage.

2:12Speaker 2:Yeah, we want to talk about three stages of love because e Bar is in an eleven year relationship with speaking of tortoises and a long long She's been together with her partner for a long time. Wendy's in a long distance one, but it's only been about a year and a half and I'm a year and a.

2:28Speaker 1:Half No, we're coming up on a year because it was a year. Yeah, because July fourth, they met July fourth. Yeah, I will never forget.

2:36Speaker 2:That's right, that's my bad.

2:37Speaker 1:I never forget for some. Never forget for some is nine to eleven. For me, it's her, it's her relationship.

2:46Speaker 2:And I am in a very newly dating someone, so I don't I don't have as much juice as you guys, But we wanted to talk about, like what makes relationship work? So what do you think actually makes that work? Years? Like, in my head, I'm gonna be honest with you, bar.

3:03Speaker 1:You didn't think we'd make it. I get it, and that's fine. I totally support that, not that hypothy.

3:08Speaker 2:I think anyone who tells me they've been in a relationship for eleven years or more or even like eight, I'm.

3:16Speaker 1:Like, how well, okay, first starters. And I would love to hear too Wendy's thoughts on her relationship because she's, you know, nearing a year and I think this applies to that as well.

3:29Speaker 2:Yeah.

3:30Speaker 1:I tell all my friends when we get on the topic of like matching with people, I think you really have to know what you can live with and what you can live without, like really know what are your priorities and not just like the resume of like what's their job? You know, what's there? You know, just straight up what's their like DNA creds. Obviously, attraction is something that you have to have, but beyond that, I knew that I needed to feel seen in a real way.

4:07Speaker 2:Yep.

4:09Speaker 1:I needed to be with someone that I could communicate with in a lot of different ways, and unfortunately for me, those trumped financial security and abundance. Ben totally gets me on so many like he gets me as a person, but he also gets me as an artist.

4:34Speaker 2:For that to work, and you're to say that you felt safe, you felt seen all of that, what did he do specifically, what does he still do that makes that work? Because eleven years I'm thinking, like I'll just be honest, and I think this about a lot of people were married, Like I haven't lived with someone since my early twenties, right, I was in a five and a half year relationship. It was great, No, that was like terrible, but like there was a lack there, uh, like you kind of get over it. And again, I was in my twenties, so I was a different person, but I think like there's probably like a lack of like sex or intimacy, Like you get tired of them.

5:09Speaker 2:They're in your face every day. You got to live with them, and then you got to raise kids. Like, I just think it's got to be hard to find the romance, right, Sure, Sure, I.

5:21Speaker 1:Mean I think just straight up by like logistics alone. Yeah, being pulled in that many directions, like sort of the emotional and mental real estate of having to do so many things, there's no way that you're going to be able to maintain like the freedom of intimacy that you have when you're in your twenties and you have zero responsibilities, right, that you do when you've both got jobs and kids and taxes, a mortgage and a mortgage and now like filling up your car with gas, huge responsibility and obstacle to overcome. So well, I can be the ugliest version of myself around Ben, and Ben can be the ugliest version of himself around me, and I have a complete trust that he still loves me and is an attract and is attracted to me. That's great even in those moments, or maybe not in that moment, but afterwards. Sure, And that was a big like signifier for me because in previous dating situations or relationships, if somebody had done something that was really ugly and cringey to me, it was hard to rebound, Like it was hard to come back to like, oh, I ever want to see you without your shirt on again? You know right?

6:39Speaker 2:Like you mean you got the ick and you couldn't come back, couldn't come Yeah? Yeah, and you feel like you have you ever gotten the ick with them? I've come back with it, but yeah, you have come back with it because like what would be the number one thing? And then I'm gonna come to you, Wendy that bade you go? I saw the yick, but there's it. I brush you away. But it's it's something that he's doing right, because it once we get to itck, that's hard to get it out.

7:05Speaker 1:It's not an ongoing dick. If it was an ongoing dick, that would be really really hard. There was just some like moments. But I remember there was a wedding that we went to and he got like really really drunk, and like I just was like, I won't do it. I won't do it again. I will not do that. Like and I know for some people they'd be able to. I just was like, I'm so turned off by you on this night. You're too much. You've drank too much, and you're too fucking much.

7:36Speaker 2:Yep.

7:37Speaker 1:And I literally told him that the next day in the most psychopathically calm way and tone, like, Hey, so just you know, like I'm not going to do this again.

7:47Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, you have to just had a boundary, because it's like I have friends like that. I've been in those where you see that other side of that person. You're like, I am not attracted to that person at all. I don't even really want to be like half your friend right now. Yeah, this is too much.

8:00Speaker 1:Not like I was hurt by you. I'm grossed out by you.

8:03Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, it's like major dick, I don't know who you are.

8:07Speaker 1:Yeah yeah. And then he I mean, and this is probably the other side of like how do you keep things going? He is such a communicator and I am such a communicator that we can have those conversations and we can actually implement changes.

8:24Speaker 2:Right.

8:25Speaker 1:It doesn't mean that we don't fall and we don't like set ourselves back. Yeah, we're very flawed, but just the fact that he can course correct and wants to right, that's the work, right, Like we always hear relationships or work what does that mean? And it's like, that's an example of the like do you want to prioritize this, which means you might have to make changes in your day to day patterns that feel uncomfortable? Yeah, because it's real easy to just stick in those patterns totally.

8:57Speaker 2:I mean I feel like for you when since you've only been in a in a year one, like have you gotten the ick? And or has he have you got an issue where he has course corrected where you've been like thumbs up, buddy.

9:08Speaker 3:Yeah, them making noise when he eats.

9:11Speaker 1:Oh, that's a big one for Wendy n she's got miss Aphonyon case you guys didn't know enough.

9:16Speaker 3:We're early enough in where it's not that. But I think for us it's making it work because there is a distance. You know, he's five hours away by car, So prioritizing between work, between the podcast, between my life and then also carving out that time to make sure that we get to see each other because we don't want to let too many weeks go by before we get together. Like for instance, on Thursday night, he was really tired, but he was like, I, if I don't get down there this weekend, I'm not gonna be able to see you for another two weeks. So he jumped in the car and drove down. And I do think there is that level of being committed to trying to make it work. But at the same time, if I was to say what gives me rage in my relationship right now, it is the distance. I kind of love and hate the distance. I love it because I'm so busy and I can have my own independence and do my own stuff. But I also hate it because when it's a Saturday afternoon and you're kicking it by yourself and you wish somebody was there and he's not.

10:15Speaker 2:It's not a hymn thing though. That's a distance, that's a circumstance. It's a big, a little I asked you with him, what has gone on there? Because we got to get to the juice, like, has there been anything? And it's fine if you say sides the chewing exactly, Okay.

10:32Speaker 3:Being really honest, there were some times where his drinking I would be like, you got to slow your role, bud, And he's aware, and we've kind of had those conversations. I've had that very calm like I'm not this is not how it's going to be. I did date somebody years ago who was an alcoholic, and I was never going to get into that situation. Again.

10:53Speaker 2:Does it change when he drinks?

10:55Speaker 3:He hasn't drank in two weeks?

10:56Speaker 1:Oh?

10:56Speaker 3:No, does he change?

10:57Speaker 1:No?

10:58Speaker 2:I mean like, what, yeah, what is it? Does he does he get a little too?

11:01Speaker 3:No? No, no, he's totally fine, like his fine, fun, jolly self. But I was just like, you don't need to come home and drink every day after work.

11:10Speaker 2:That's not healthy, totally that that's that's tough if you're if you're seeing that because you're like, I'd like you to last a little longer.

11:17Speaker 1:Exactly, exactly, yes.

11:20Speaker 2:But I think Erica laughed because I said last a little longer, and I think she was thinking of the ding dong, which I I feel like, because if you if you drink, you laugh, you could last longer. But then you're you're not coming.

11:32Speaker 1:No, I was what were you thinking?

11:35Speaker 2:Because I saw a laugh and I looked at your eyes. I was like, we're not thinking the same thing.

11:38Speaker 1:I was thinking about death because I can Oh yeah, I was and then I was literally I was like, and like, maybe a little bit of it is is actually a preservational tool, right, like you can you can store things alcohol and it lasts a little bit longer. Yeah, but not the body with too much of it. Yeah, not the human body over the course of ninety years or whatever. Right right, that's literally I just let you in on exactly what I was thinking about.

12:04Speaker 2:Like, it's kind of like cherries, the stuff and cherries that they put the little cherries in. That's what it is. It's that you could preserve a body in.

12:12Speaker 1:That, right exactly. Like it's sort of like formaldehyde, except it also has negative consequences and could lead to your death as well. But totally, but the fact that you both are making the effort to overcome the distance to see each other and prioritize and then also that like he's you know again course correcting not like that just shows that's sort of the work when people say, right, like you're doing the like you're you are consciously choosing to make this a priority and then doing the things to support that relationship, versus like, I don't know, some people probably just get into Okay, I'm in the relationship I don't have to do anything else besides like whatever I want to do in my life, and like the basics of showing up.

12:54Speaker 2:That's the way to make it fail, because I'm like, if you're not continuing to like like he's not going sober for two weeks, right or is he? Are you? You haven't asked him to go fully sober or did you?

13:04Speaker 3:I didn't ask him to do anything. I just asked him to watch it and it's something he's wanted to do. Watch it and and he was like, you know what, I'm not going to drink tonight. And he was like and then in the next day he was like, I don't think I'm gonna drink today too, And I was like, good, you know, and he's just kind of like I want to. He's like, I don't know how long this is going to be for, but I just want to reset. And I was like great, and I supported one hundred percent.

13:26Speaker 2:Okay, I love that. I mean we have written in here like the things we pretend that don't that they don't matter, but they actually do. And I'm like, I don't know, what do you guys feel.

13:38Speaker 1:Me before we move on? Is there anything that's come up or is it too new for for you guys.

13:44Speaker 2:I think it's it's really probably too new. I also think I am an only child. I I think I lost people early in my thirties change me fundamentally as a person, where I felt very singular and alone, and I got really used to that. I think I'm really good at compartmentalizing and I got really good at just being alone, living alone, stuff like that, and I don't mind it. There is something very freeing about it. So I think that sometimes the codependency with people makes a relationship work. And I have never had that with not even sometimes with friendships. But I've then had to train myself to go like pull yourself back, and that's my problem.

14:32Speaker 2:That's something i'd talk about in therapy. I'm not saying that's the right move. I'm just saying that I like living alone and I like being independent. But I think the who I am dating right now has been a perfect addition to my life because of the way that he has come in and brought like laughs and joy and I feel understood and seen and like listen to and all of that stuff. But I think I would be probably the biggest red flag versus him, like I think that I'd be the walking red flag and like I would never and I've told you guys this where am I. I would never. I don't first see myself live with anyone. You could live next door, that'd be great.

15:13Speaker 2:I would love it if you live closer, but I want my own space. I've never had the urge to like sit cohabitate.

15:22Speaker 1:Yeah.

15:22Speaker 2:Yeah, since I was in my twenties, I did really want that, and now I'm sort of done with that. So there's still this I think independent side that I'm like, uh, I don't know if it's great for relationships because I'm so used to being alone.

15:39Speaker 1:Yeah, and being self sufficient and getting to control your environment and your day to day I think that that's actually not I don't think that people in relationships have to cohabitate. You see, there's a lot of people who have spoken to the benefit of having their own place or having separate rooms at the very left. Yeah, because even codependent couples will get to a point where they're like, oh, yeah, I love you, but this is too like this is too much, and they see the benefit of getting away like I think Wendy and talking about like, oh, there's part of the distance that she likes. That's probably wrapped up into that situation, right, But she doesn't even realize because she's you're also in This is so funny to like talk to her like this way. I know, I see you, like, I know you're tagging her, but it's like I'm gonna bounce it off the wall to her. Yeah, it's interesting that it's like also in year one that you two have this distance, but I don't know that you wanting to maintain some level of like it's necessarily a red flag. I think it's also intimacy isn't just tied to geographical proximpity, right.

16:53Speaker 3:And I think your point about you know, pretending you know that it doesn't matter, but it actually does. And I think a big important thing of making a really work is that you have to both be independent people. You have to have your own life, your own friends, your own interest, your own hobbies. And I think what works so well with me and Steve, and one of the things that I was so attracted with him was that he did have all of that.

17:15Speaker 1:He has his.

17:16Speaker 3:Own social circle, he has his own life. I think when couples just have each other as their own social outlets and everything is involved around just each other. You're gonna suffocate and you're gonna smother it. So I think it's healthy to have some level of independence.

17:33Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree. That's why I was like, I still don't understand how you living together. I know, and it seems insane to me, but I say this to all my friends. I'm like, but how do you guys live together? Day in and day out? You see each other every day, you go to sleep in a bed, they're right there, you wake up, they're right there. I realize that I'm watching all these realities shows and they're like, I can't wait to tweak up to you, and I'm like, great, but we're not eleven years in.

18:06Speaker 1:No, no, And also that's a highly produced show, like we can't. We can only take that at so much value.

18:12Speaker 2:Okay, right, well, I feel like these people they're being honest, but it's because we're not seeing them eleven years in. You've seeing him in the beginning, and they do mean that and they're probably very much in love. But I feel like I just had to, like, I don't know, grow up to be sixty and not care or something at my age, Like there's something fundamentally different in the way that I look at that that I go, that's not gonna last. And that may just make me a pessimist.

18:36Speaker 1:No, No, I mean I think that the stats support what you are saying. I don't think it is easy to find a relationship that everybody is stoked about every single day, every single week of every single month of every single year.

18:51Speaker 2:Right.

18:52Speaker 1:You know you brought up sleep. We don't always sleep in the same bed because that was another thing God say, right here, Ben, he's got some sign of stuff. But also he struggles with his weight, and this is nothing that he wouldn't talk about. He's very much an open book. He snores, And I'll tell you right now, Like there have been times where like I here, I'm storing, and I'm like, I think you're the worst person in the entire world. Like I think I think this is where the like demons, spons you're induced.

19:22Speaker 2:With rage when you're snore, right, you want to kill age?

19:25Speaker 1:Yeah, I talk about miss aphony like I hated so much. Yeah, And there was a guy that I like, very briefly dated, who I went to a wedding with, who snored so loudly after he had like gotten so drunk, and I hated him, but I had the ick that like I was like, oh, I never want to like I never want to see you again, but because of the snoring, because the snoring, and also too he got over again drunk, overly drunk at a wedding. But see the difference. Yep, right, I could come back with ben yep, but.

19:53Speaker 2:The over corrected. He understood, he understood the assignment.

19:56Speaker 1:And I can understand with snoring. Okay, well just go we sleep in different rooms until you figure this out, which he is like working on it, right, And recently I said to seapap it, I've been asking for for anever, but it's like it's tied to his like weight issues, so I have to be sensitive to that. But I finally said to him recently, like it just came out. We were like having some sort of like little argument or whatever, and I was like, I just don't understand why you haven't done anything about it, right, because like he went to the doctor and the doctor was like, Okay, I'm gonna give you a referral, and then he said someone's gonna call you in a week and nobody did.

20:32Speaker 2:Oh, and he didn't follow up.

20:33Speaker 1:And I was like, I don't understand why you like and it just came out and that's what he needed.

20:40Speaker 2:Oh so he needed angry, he needed that. And then he responded, yeah interests. Yeah, that's how you're gonna be, like he got mad. Okay. So I mean is that when we're talking about things that you pretend don't matter in a relationship but they actually do. What would that be for you guys? Because I mean I guess people could say, like, oh, if they store, it's like it's not a big deal, but.

21:03Speaker 1:Then you're like, no, it's a huge fucking deal. It's horrendous.

21:06Speaker 2:Yeah, it's terrible.

21:07Speaker 1:It's literally like, if you put that in a movie with nothing else, that's a horror film that should win awards. Just the white screen was snoring.

21:17Speaker 2:We'll just call it the star.

21:18Speaker 1:Yeah, skip to it. Just call it Snorre Fest. I love that. And then it becomes like a film festival.

21:23Speaker 2:I don't know what do you think when like, are what are your things? What people pretend is fine in relationship but it's actually not.

21:30Speaker 3:Well, there's one story I wanted to bring up. It was friends of mine, this couple that he was adamant that the pets couldn't sleep in the bed with them, okay, And she had a cat that she had a cat that was ill, and so he still wouldn't let the cat in the bed. She would sleep in the guest room with the dying cat. And I was out of my mind about this. I was out of my mind about this. I was like, how did you agree to that?

21:59Speaker 1:I straight up asked her.

21:59Speaker 3:I was like, why would you even agree to that?

22:02Speaker 2:Right?

22:02Speaker 3:And I saw the story online last week where Jesse Buckley, the actress, when she first met her now husband, I guess his cats hated her and they would shit all over the pillows and just like her side of the bed. And she looked at him and she was like, I've had it. It's either me or the cats.

22:24Speaker 1:Which she looked at him. Yes, I mean I kind of get it, but I'm also like, as a cat person, that's really But he got rid of the.

22:31Speaker 2:Cats, he got rid of the cat.

22:34Speaker 1:Well, I don't think he killed them.

22:36Speaker 2:But here his there his freaking cats. They're his cats.

22:42Speaker 1:I know I need more.

22:43Speaker 2:I'm gonna give away the cats to keep her, get an extra litter box and put it in the bedroom.

22:49Speaker 1:But they might it might have been her, Like we have my cats started, we got a new roommate, and she fucking marked that roommate's room, like did not like that person. So it didn't matter if there was another litter box. It was about the person.

23:02Speaker 3:Is that a red flag? If your cats hate your partner that much?

23:07Speaker 1:We'll see TBD, We'll see if I want to get like did he get them, like because maybe he got them a home of somebody that he could go visit them daily.

23:16Speaker 2:She didn't know. She doesn't know, which means no, probably not.

23:20Speaker 1:We got to do a follow up. We'll do a follow we will get all up. But yeah, no, I know what you're saying, Like that's like really aggressive though, like a cat pooping on your pillow.

23:29Speaker 2:Like okay, I get it, Like if you okay, fine, if you walk in, there's poop all over my pillow every you're talking every single night, it's very frustrating. But I'd be like, those are your babies.

23:40Speaker 1:I know, I know. I think that there's a difference between like because I hadn't definitely had an accident in like cats, and I was like, oh, I knew it wasn't gonna last. I was young. So I was like, it's like, this isn't gonna last. Like just I'm like, just doesn't like your cat, Like that's different. And between that and oh, this cat is actively waging a fecal war against you.

24:05Speaker 2:Fecal war is fucking great. I mean, okay too. I have looked at it well, I've been watching you guys know, I'm on the reality and one big one it married at first sight was that they teamed up this couple because their sex drive was the most matched up. Okay, and I'm wondering if like a sex drive mismatch. That's a good question when you think about it so much, so to go, I don't think this is I don't think this is gonna work. Yeah.

24:35Speaker 3:I actually had that exact situation with my ex husband, who he's gay.

24:42Speaker 1:Because he's gay, so I would imagine, but it was, and it was.

24:48Speaker 3:It was so awful because when I didn't realize what the issue was, I remember having a conversation with my mom and just saying, I don't know what to do because everything about him is wonderful. He's a wonderful he's a wonderful partner. I enjoy his company, but it's so bad that it makes us not even want to attempt it anymore. And she said, you know, Whendy, you're too young to be in a sexless marriage. Because I was like, do I leave? Do we break up?

25:15Speaker 2:What do we do?

25:16Speaker 3:How am I supposed to live like this? And she kind of gave me this reassurance that that is incompatibility, like that is something that would break up a relationship, and then cut to surprise, he's gay. And I was like, oh my god, everything makes sense.

25:28Speaker 1:Nice.

25:29Speaker 3:I wasn't even that mad. I was more relieved. I was like, no, shit, that explains everything.

25:34Speaker 2:It's a lot.

25:34Speaker 1:It's pretty clear, pretty black and white.

25:36Speaker 2:Yeah, totally.

25:38Speaker 1:But yeah, I think with sex drive, what's interesting because you are saying the word drive. There's a lot of layers here, right, because there's like sexual compatibility, and then there's like appetite hormone, like how often, and then just like sort of desires and wants and so I mean, I can definitely tell you that the frequency in our relationship has gone down, I'm sure, but I don't feel like I don't know if drive is the right word, but I don't feel like the drive has gone away.

26:13Speaker 2:And like, do you feel like the frequency is tied to paramenopause, kids, business, it's just.

26:20Speaker 1:Everything, and it's like and then it's like, oh, I'm tired. And then as you're getting older, you're turning more tortoise. And then you're like, oh, if we're going to have that kind of sex, cause I gotta drink seven gallons of water and like and I've only got twenty minutes. Can we make this happen?

26:34Speaker 2:You know?

26:34Speaker 1:It's like there's so much need more.

26:37Speaker 2:Help just to even freaking do the job.

26:39Speaker 1:I'm then lagging an IV that I walk around with, and then yeah, and then I'm always but I feel like it.

26:46Speaker 2:Goes straight to your blood. It but I don't know if it lubricates down there, If it lubricates downstairs.

26:53Speaker 1:Yeah, it doesn't translate.

26:55Speaker 2:I don't think it'll hurt. You don't think it'll hurt. Ye'll hurt to see me walking? Really does IV hook her up to the sailing Honey's see what what juice? And gets started there?

27:05Speaker 1:Oh my god, she wants me to go full cocoon.

27:08Speaker 2:She does because she can hear you. Your y'all are neighbors. Y'all keep the windows open because I remember one time I was at your house and we heard Wendy juice in it. No just a little bit. Yeah yeah, I was like, great, juice juice away man. But poinping is you can't kind of hear it, which I just think is funny.

27:30Speaker 3:I thought that water fountain really masks to that.

27:33Speaker 2:I guess no, it doesn't.

27:35Speaker 1:Mass I oh my god, all right, let's go like you did not hear me, because I'm at least three of those. I don't do a single. But I also like the idea of wearing a hospital gown to commit because it's been convenient too, because then there's no clothes to take it. Like it's right there.

27:56Speaker 2:Oh yeah, you're already ready, you're naked. I mean, might as well go in the nude. I meet it with the ivy.

28:01Speaker 1:Just talking around nude with an ivy.

28:03Speaker 2:How hot is that?

28:04Speaker 1:All right, let's do it, let's get it, let's get it going.

28:08Speaker 2:I feel like, I mean a couple of couple of other things that we wrote down here is like cleanliness, like living habits, employment, money difference, which I'm like, yeah, that's always gonna happen in a relationship. I think, especially for me, I need the space to be clean, and if it's dirty, I need to know that I made it and not someone else. Otherwise it's gonna be I don't know how people do it where they're like they pick up stuff and like that would really get to me.

28:31Speaker 2:The money difference is always gonna be me. I'm probably always gonna be on the lower end and outmind it because I'm like, follow your heart, all your dreams. I don't want to be. I'm already depressed and there's already a struggle. So imagine if I get, you know, sixty hour a week job and I'm making all the money, I would be a shell of a person, I think.

28:50Speaker 1:And you and it might not be as much money as it needs to be as it needs to.

28:55Speaker 2:Be to be that shell of a person to make up for it where I'm like, I'm a shell of a person. But I can fly us to Mexico for the weekend, but I'm like, I don't know, you don't.

29:04Speaker 1:Want to go. It might be a little dicey with cartels, so don't worry, You're not missing out.

29:09Speaker 2:Yeah, I want to keep my head.

29:10Speaker 3:But I think there's also something where whatever somebody contributes to the relationship it doesn't have to be money, but if they're there for you emotionally, if they can support you in other ways, I think there can be equity in relationships where it doesn't have to be that. I think the problem becomes when someone doesn't have a job, they're not motivated to find a job, and then you're the one paying for everything. I think that's where resentment grows, and that's really rageful. But I think people can contribute in other ways if they're not necessarily a breadwinner. It's the unemployment and not doing anything about it that I think is problematic.

29:45Speaker 1:And then also not like not cleaning the house, yeah, not cooking dinner, not instigating, not thinking about the things that can make the person who is doing all of the work, not thinking about how to make their life easier.

29:58Speaker 2:Exactly I would. I like, sometimes I've thought about it because I love cleaning and organizing that I'm like, I would make such a good trad wife. Like I don't want it, but like if I if someone was like just loaded and they're like, you don't really have to work, I'd be like, I'm I'm cleaning, everything will be organized.

30:14Speaker 1:I'm making my own butter. That's we're done. It's hell to me.

30:17Speaker 2:I would love that. I'd be like, I have time to make our bread. Well, I've made the bread. I would either.

30:23Speaker 1:Probably I bet you there fifteen kids running around. If you're going to be this person, kill me fifteen kids. But some of that that you can, like, I don't know if that makes you a trad wife.

30:36Speaker 2:You're right, you're right.

30:37Speaker 1:Just now, I know there's gonna be like, that's not what a trad wife is. But can we like get a sense of numbers. You're right, you're right, Like single trad wives are out there that are like leaving the charge on the movement, like like like I'm sorry, childless.

30:51Speaker 2:There's wives, there's not so I guess mine would just be find somebody rich and just I don't work. But I tell you what I'll do is everything be clean. I'll cook meals, It'll be organized. But I feel like I love doing that. Like I come alive and I'm like, I gotta fix my garden and I've got to make fine this person? Do we think?

31:11Speaker 3:But we really like I really like we like we like Mike.

31:16Speaker 2:I'm already I'm already in there with that. I just like maybe one day, I'll get loaded, like I'm working hard on it. It's I don't think that it's like out of out of grasp for me. So we're we're we're getting there. We'll just we'll see it's YouTube is a weird game.

31:30Speaker 1:Never, it's gonna be a weird This is gonna sound so crazy, But really what this all comes down to is communication. It's true though, but it's so true. It's so like you know, you were saying, like, oh, I can't imagine like clean I even like more recently, like I'd say, in the last couple of years, like I do a lot more of the like house stuff, Like he just is allergic to laundry. Interesting too, but he will recognize, say, but he's also staying up until like two in the morning to work to work, so it's like tough and I will recognize that.

32:08Speaker 2:So it's like you got to find the balance.

32:10Speaker 1:But like, if I think what happens is when and this is obviously traditionally in historically it's been women. It's like they're doing all of this work. There's not really a lot of recognition, right, there's not really any kind of awareness. It's not it's not looked at as anything of value. It's just looked at as like, oh, that's just that's just what you do. That's where the rage really begins to fester.

32:37Speaker 2:I'm with you because if somebody Mike came into my apartment and went, Wow, I love how clean it is chit ching, I just felt like really proud about it, because sometimes like guys will come in and I'll be like, don't you see how clean it is in here? Doesn't it smell nice? Can't you just think like this is a nice place? But anyway, so I get it, like feeling seen in those ways does matter, you know, Well, let's just get into the rage hotline. See it's gonna piss us off this week.

33:04Speaker 3:You've reached the rage hotline. Please leave us a message. Hi, ladies, I need a sanity check. My boyfriend of two years is a nice guy, but he refuses to make a single decision where to eat. I don't care what to do up to you cool, except now I'm the CEO of our entire relationship and the kicker. When I do pick something, he'll go, eh, I'm not in the mood for that. You don't get veto power after opting out. I've asked him to plan one date night. We ended up on the couch while he scrolled for forty five minutes trying to pick something to do, and then we ate leftovers. I snapped and said, I feel like I'm dating a ghost who occasionally eats meals I choose. He says, I'm being intense? Am I crazy? Or is this rage valid?

33:51Speaker 1:Very valid? It's very valid, Like just have some fucking idea once in a while, because decision making is tiring. It's really fucking tiring. Yeah, you know, and I get the like the whole like being the CEO and sometimes, you know, Ben and I've definitely had like, you know, fucking arguments over that and he'll be like, but then I pick, and you don't like it. I'm like, I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just fucking pick and then let me complain.

34:20Speaker 2:But no.

34:20Speaker 1:But I think it's it also comes down to again, like are you are there other things that he does to compensate. But if it's just like whatever, whatever, whatever, that feels like uh, communication issue.

34:35Speaker 2:I feel, yeah, that's terrible because I have seen Ben. I've been at your house, you know, where we've ordered pizza and Ben's like, no, no, Eric is not gonna like that. And now, and now that I've known you for so long, if somebody goes, we're gonna order champagne or wine, and I'm looking at the phone. I think it was with Wendy and I went, Nope, she's not gonna drink dialogue.

34:52Speaker 1:Get next.

34:53Speaker 2:Nope, she's not gonna that's not gonna be in her alley. Here's what the alley might be. And I feel like he does a good job of that. So I'm like, if you're not if this person is not getting that out of their relationship where number one, you're choosing all the time, he's not recognizing it, but then when you choose, he always has an issue with it. I'm already exhausted and like being like, I think I gotta go now, because like I'm not what the fuck is this is?

35:18Speaker 2:Honestly how I.

35:18Speaker 1:Well, And here's something that like he could be doing. Obviously he's like, I don't fucking care, Like I don't know, I'm an amba whatever. So but he can ask her is it a is it a hetero? Yes, he can ask her like, hey, he could say something like I really don't care, so let's let's maybe figure out what you want, right, you know, at least like be part of the process totally. Don't just like say like, oh I'm out. Yeah, you know.

35:49Speaker 2:You know what I would do. Here's my suggestion. I would turn it into a game. I'd be like, here's three things that I feel like I'm gonna eat tonight. Is Italian? Is this and this thing? Put him in a fucking hat, and whatever you choose is what we're I can get in. If you fucking complain about it, I'm fucking out because Okay, if it's literally been like it feels like, because she says like she feels like she's dating a ghost who eats meals that she chooses that, I'm like, oh she's now. Now what we have to do is to kind of trade it with like childlock cans, where it's like, let's play.

36:19Speaker 1:A game, and I think instead of just her having to adapt to what he wants, or he can participate in other ways if he doesn't have an opinion, which clearly then he does have an opinion, yeah, because then he's like, man, at least then say, let's work on this together. I don't really care, but like let's maybe figure out Oh, Okay, we had you know, pizza the last you know, we've had it three times a week. Like, let's not do Italian right, Like just participate, you thank you participate in the process in any way, even if you don't have a strong opinion, that's fine. But then like help her figure it out together, because now she's constantly feeling like, I don't know, it's stressful to try to figure this out, and then you have time you don't like my decision, but then you have no like criticism without any offering of a potential solution. The worst is horrible.

37:08Speaker 2:Do not come to me with a problem without a solution, yeah, because I don't want to hear it. And like if this is their biggest problem, I would literally I'd be like, I'm getting a whiteboard. Here are fifty door dash things places that we can go pick one. But you know what's not my job anymore.

37:26Speaker 3:I bet that this You know how you always say, is it really about the ordering of the food or what is the bigger problem? Because if he's doing it about this, is he participating in any decision making in their relationships? And all the burden is on her.

37:39Speaker 2:I was trying to get it. It give him like I get away out of jail free card.

37:43Speaker 1:But she's right, No, it's it's not it's complacency. It's not wanting to like take because it it takes efforts. We think people get you know, it's like, oh, you're doing that. It's not like being part of a system, part of a group, which is like what being a family and a relationship is. Like, it's it's not just literally physically being there, and it's not just like you know, hammering nails into.

38:08Speaker 2:The wall or using a drill desion.

38:09Speaker 1:It's also like the mental energy they might and that's so often like the emotional burdens and families so often come down on women. And that was definitely something for me. I was like, I'm not I'm not carrying that alone. Yeah, like that's a priority for me.

38:24Speaker 2:You shouldn't. I just want to say to that guy that relationships take work. Yeah, like, bro, like that's what this whole thing is. And I'm not yelling at her because she wrote in she gets it.

38:36Speaker 1:You're yelling at him. Come on, dude, you're yelling at the ghost.

38:40Speaker 2:Step it up or like she's out of there, and I hope she is.

38:45Speaker 1:If you don't. I don't know. I don't know who.

38:47Speaker 2:Whose people are me neither I I don't know either. I'm just gonna assume that maybe she's like me or.

38:53Speaker 1:Is like bye, because what Okay, So to wrap this up, yeah, we're talking about relationships. I want to know what your all love languages are. Between words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, or physical touch.

39:11Speaker 2:Yeah, it's it's for me. It's definitely words of affirmation and probably like acts of service. But there was I will tell you here's one thing.

39:19Speaker 1:I know.

39:19Speaker 2:We're not allowed to have a ton of them, but I did go to dat a guy who he was like French, and he would always like sort of like he would sit close and he would always like sort of like massage my hand or my leg, and I was like, this is so nice. And then it kind of made me think like maybe I'm a physical touch person because I liked it so much, But I'm like, you really have to be built that way, so.

39:44Speaker 1:I don't like if the physical touch is right, like obviously this guy you your sensory Yeah it was.

39:53Speaker 2:Yeah, he would just sort of just it would just be sitting at a bor it wouldn't be anything weird, but he would just like massage my hand or my leg or something like. I just like this is so nice. Like it literally made me addicted to spending being around him because it just felt so nice.

40:10Speaker 1:Oh, if someone gave me a scout massage, I might be possible. I could cheat on my totally.

40:14Speaker 2:Absolutely. So what's your love flag?

40:17Speaker 1:I honestly not to not to be like me too, but it's like acts of service because that to me says so much like you're thinking about me. You're thinking about how to make my life easier. So it's beyond just the thing, but also depending on where my self esteem and emotional like self worth is. Obviously, validation is up there to you.

40:42Speaker 2:Gotta have it. We gotta have it. I mean we're both actors. We gotta have it obviously.

40:45Speaker 1:Yeah, our self seems in the toilet.

40:47Speaker 2:And yeah, what about you?

40:49Speaker 3:Am I a red flag? If I say all of them.

40:53Speaker 1:A lot a lot, dude? Yeah, like or not and you're not doing the exercise.

40:59Speaker 2:Yeah, that's called red flag. This takes work.

41:02Speaker 1:Yeah, hell, I talk about not fucking choose it.

41:07Speaker 2:That's what I'm saying.

41:08Speaker 1:Okay, Wow, red flag, Like she's like, I don't care. I want all.

41:12Speaker 2:I want all of it.

41:13Speaker 1:You want Italian, you want the American, you want fucking tie, I want it all.

41:18Speaker 3:If I really had to choose, I would probably say acts of service to echo what e Bar said, because our lives are so busy, so when someone comes into it and helps alleviate some of that stress and see something that needs to be done, I'm just like, oh, thank you.

41:34Speaker 1:Knowing you, I would pick acts of service for you.

41:37Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, because e Bar knows like it and going to the bar a lot or whatever going out that she knows that if if you got if she can't get me a drink. When I like arrive and it's there, it's like my most favorite thing. And it's not like I'm making you guys like pay for like I'll venmo for you know, it's just that it's there. I'm like, literally, that's like such a treat for me that could maker that like makes my day. And that's such a simple thing when you think of acts of service that if you can recognize that about somebody, and it's it's not large things, it's about the fucking small, little fucking things.

42:11Speaker 2:Well that's a relationship.

42:13Speaker 1:It's also about being selfless, right, Like if someone's giving you an octicar, they are thinking about you. Yeah, you know. Obviously some of it is like like Ben loves to make people feel happy, so there's also a self serving component of it. Ultimately it nets out that it's posit, it's giving to somebody else totally, you know.

42:33Speaker 2:Yeah, So to wrap up this this episode, you know and talking about relationships, I guess I'm still the walking red flag. We learned a lot about you.

42:42Speaker 1:You're in eleven years, We've got a lot of your relationship. We are flying the flags together.

42:47Speaker 2:Yeah, but you know what, it's a huge win to hear somebody say we're in it eleven years and we have toddlers and you own a business together and we are still happy together. I'm I I know it sounds in insane for me to say this sentence. I think that is a huge win and it is surprising to me and that that's what makes me probably need more therapy. But that's just me being honest.

43:10Speaker 1:Well, it's not like we definitely have really bad moments like one hundred percent where you're like, oh, I feel really bad about myself and I think he feels really bad and we all feel bad, like why are we doing this?

43:20Speaker 2:Right? But it's far you come back from it, though it has.

43:23Speaker 1:The positive has to far outweigh the negative and past that does.

43:29Speaker 2:So. Just a reminder, guys on YouTube if you can like, comment, subscribe when you do, click that belce your note five of all the videos that we were dropping. You can also dm us on Instagram also rage at thereagepod dot com. Send us an email, send us your thoughts, send us voice memos. We'd love to have you on the rage hotline. Send us any of your thoughts. We love you. Uh loveagepod dot com. We have gear up there that we haven't we haven't shown you guys, but it's cool, so buy some gear if you want it and uh, I think that's it or the hell out of here houm.

44:02Speaker 1:That's right, alright.

44:03Speaker 2:Bye