Podcast · Comedy

Simon Mayo's Confessions

by Bauer Media · English · Comedy

Hilarious revelations from a new generation of sinners, willing to share their secrets in search of forgiveness with Father Simon and the Confessional Collective. Expect tales of greed, debauchery, deception, and honest mistakes including those confessions we could never broadcast on Greatest Hits R

New episodes: Weekly
Typical length: 42 min
Latest: 9 Oct 2026
Language: English

Latest episode

9 Oct 2026 · 40 min

Size of a cow & other tales

Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective. Mike takes us back to 1971, where a cow’s eye from biology class ends up hiding under a canteen lettuce leaf… with Big Cath, Carol-with-an-E. Then Babs squeezes into her teenage daughter’s favourite dress, enjoys 30 seconds of catwalk glory but it all end terribly. Plus: there's a bus-shelter “coolant” taste test, and Steve’s Frankenstein-inspired plan to rejuvenate Gran with copper wire and a lightning storm. Got a confession? [email protected]

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Earlier episodes 29 most recent

S8 · E7 · 2 Oct 2026 · 42 min
There's no one quite like grandma & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo, Sister Holly, Sister Suzi and Brother Matthew for Episode 7 of Season 8… and yes, the numbering is definitely, probably, completely accurate. Thomas confesses to an 80s campaign of fake-spider terror against his devout granny. Doris’s mum admits to tackling the messiest teenage bedroom on earth. Plus: a 1973 sponsored walk sabotaged with reversed arrows, and a Scottish council depot prank that has grown men shouting “PAPER TOWELS NOW!” at a metal box. Got a confession? [email protected]
S8 · E6 · 25 Sep 2026 · 39 min
Welcome to the lion’s den & other tales
It’s a distinctly international trip into the confessional this week with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective. Craig kicks things off from behind the pharmacy counter in 1989, when an eager attempt to help a customer find “green ones” turns into a mortifying party‑poppers misunderstanding… Then ex‑RAF Police Corporal Binky Blythe teaches an Italian driver a “romantic” phrase that ends up being delivered to the Admiral’s wife. Plus: Nev’s compost‑heap ashes swap, and William’s French chemist translation help that accidentally escalates into Bon Saint‑Bernard deep‑heat justice. Got a…
S8 · E5 · 18 Sep 2026 · 43 min
Bad to the bone & other tales
Episode five of Season Eight drops Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective back into the confessional for more chaos, dodgy logic, and the kind of stories that definitely shouldn’t be told… but are. Joe buys his daughter a life-size skeleton, commits fully by building it a coffin (complete with nameplate: “Mr Bone, RIP”), then watches it reappear in the worst possible place after a house fire — terrifying an insurance loss adjuster and some very shocked onlookers. Plus: Nigel’s 1979 school trip to Amsterdam that ends with the Dutch police being called, Dave’s “perfect peach” decorating…
S8 · E4 · 11 Sep 2026 · 41 min
Welcome to the house of fun & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for another fresh batch of chaos, questionable life choices, and very loud studio drinks. Karen takes us back to late-70s school rule rebellion with a changing-room ear‑piercing “side hustle” run by Penny the Piercer… using mum’s sewing pins as the “earrings”. Then Steve relives a painfully awkward trip to Boots in Newquay, where asking for “party poppers” becomes a full-blown Small, Medium or Large misunderstanding. Plus: Joanne’s revenge corned beef hash with a feline twist, and Marina’s spectacular swimming pool…
S8 · E3 · 4 Sep 2026 · 47 min
Toads in your bed and pepper in your tea & other tales
Episode three of Season Eight sees Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective back in the studio for more chaos, coat chat, and questionable decision-making. First: a “guilty and apologetic teacher” (aka Mr Schneebly) reveals how one forgotten gold-plated anniversary pen — and a suit-jacket mix-up mid-interview — may have cost another candidate their dream job… and accidentally won him his. Then Paula takes us to early-90s LA with the “naughty nannies” and a drunken trouser swap that leaves one poor bloke stranded in a loo, later raging for his “pants”. Plus: Sid’s rubber cobra prank on Nan,…
S8 · E2 · 28 Aug 2026 · 42 min
This is the time for action & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for another fresh batch of confessions. Alf takes us to South Africa’s “Valley of a Thousand Hills” for a bit of teenage snake-hunting that ends with a biology master going absolutely white. Boomslang, anyone? Rose fights back against a scamp wrecking the ladies’ loo… with a “grown-ups” magazine placed at eye level, and one very memorable yelp. Plus: a Swiss bake sale accidentally becomes an open bar, and Bob the double bass player recounts 1976 Romania — jeans, Pink Floyd, broken windows, and an international pillow…
S8 · E1 · 21 Aug 2026 · 39 min
Right on baby & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Holy Collective as Season Eight kicks off — minus Brother Matt, who’s apparently busy in his orangery. First up, a “medical emergency” on a quiet Oxfordshire B-road turns into yet another in-progress game of Cluedo… complete with a horn, a thumbs up, and a very hasty getaway. Then Rob hides in the back of the “wrong” VW Beetle outside a chippy and nearly causes a bus-worthy disaster. Plus: an RAF Hercules engine test blows a captain off his bike, and a Costa Rican orange-knee tarantula prank sparks police panic and a South Wales Echo…
S7 · E49 · 31 Jul 2026 · 48 min
Every grain of sand & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for cassette-tape sabotage, 80s vanity, and a honeymoon story you can’t un-hear. “Timothy” takes revenge on late-night Madonna singalongs by planting a whispered haunting on a Like a Virgin cassette… with consequences that end in a smashed stereo and a house move. Felicity discovers her mulleted boyfriend is “playing Cluedo” and delivers a tiny contact-lens payback before dumping him for good. Plus: Donald’s RAF “orange goo” disaster melts a visitor’s jacket, and Hilary’s Rome honeymoon scallops lead to an unfortunate…
S7 · E48 · 24 Jul 2026 · 45 min
Beach baby & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Holy collective. We start with a World Cup watch party that turns into the most awkward buffet raid imaginable.. Storm Doris exposes “mum and dad time” evidence. Sarah “borrows” her brother’s badly behaved dog on Brancaster beach and denies everything. And we finish with Herb's show off moment, that causes chaos in a local village. Got a confession? [email protected]
S7 · E47 · 17 Jul 2026 · 27 min
Confessions from the Crypt Special
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for another “Confessions from the Crypt” special — lock the doors and grab your torch. Maria Callas (from Middlesbrough, obviously) reveals how a snowbound dash for the only train to London ended with her welded to Eric Cantona’s chest… Then one anonymous parent admits to a decade-long lie involving their daughter and a microchip. Plus: a birdwatcher’s woodland wee gets captured by a badger camera, and “Brian” accidentally soundtracks a neighbour’s paperwork with some very loud Cluedo. Want your confession on the next…
S7 · E46 · 10 Jul 2026 · 43 min
There she goes & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for 80s burger-van feuds, a keyboard prank that goes wildly “professional”, and a revenge plot involving five pounds of fish and three pints of maggots. Ellie relives a small-town grudge match, a school-disco “sex god”, and the moment her arch enemy gets sacked while she keeps very quiet about the free burgers. Plus: Wifey swaps her husband’s keyboard dongles and accidentally broadcasts his online obsession to a colleague. Tony tackles his wife during a rugby lesson (then hits McDonald’s). Then Johnny in the Rockies…
S7 · E45 · 3 Jul 2026 · 41 min
He’ll have to go & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for RAF police “Batmobile” patrols that terrorise midnight Cluedo players… and accidentally spotlight the boss. Max relives a 1989 traffic jam, a suspiciously wide-necked Apple-Aid bottle, and a lay-by moment that ends with an unfortunate “gift” for a grateful hitchhiker. Then Jani’s missing neon tetra is found in the worst possible place. Plus: Colin the Carpet Criminal blames silverfish after a DIY electrics plan tears up a brand-new carpet. Got a confession? [email protected]
S7 · E44 · 26 Jun 2026 · 38 min
You’ve been, you’ve been thunderstruck & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for sibling “rugby practice” that ends in A&E, a holiday comeback that goes painfully wrong, a Dolly Parton impression and a truly grim Vaseline mix-up. Nick relives 1984: a beanbag tackle bag, a perfectly executed “chop tackle”, and a sister’s head meeting a handmade doll’s house — followed by a bunk-bed cover story… and stolen cola cubes. Plus: Stephanie tries to thunderstrike her prankster husband, Mr Lloyd double-dips, and Dave’s Dolly Parton watermelon routine has terrible consequences. Got a confession?…
S7 · E43 · 19 Jun 2026 · 43 min
In through the out door & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Collective for exam cheating in a lucky jumper, a welding lesson that goes catastrophically… south, and a nursing “snapshot” you may not want to hear while eating. First, Homer admits to a very 70s kind of malpractice: smuggling fully-loaded notes into a final exam on official paper and somehow ending up a headteacher. Then apprentice welder Steve hands a gas torch to a hoity-toity naval officer who won’t do her jacket up — cue molten metal, bedlam, and a breakdancing stripper moment. Plus: Emma’s 80s Saturday job prank with “party poppers”,…
S7 · E42 · 12 Jun 2026 · 40 min
Oh! This is the greatest show & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for naked ramblers, dodgy “shampoo”, and a circus moment nobody in grey trousers will ever forget. Jamie and Sara take a sat-nav shortcut straight into a countryside encounter with a group of naturist ramblers — and a hedge full of nettles. Don’t look… but you will. Then Tim rewinds to bath night, 1968: a seven-year-old, an Action Man mission, and a shampoo bottle that leaves Dad and big brother wondering why the “herbs” smell so weird. Plus: Mick nicks go-kart tickets at the school fête and pays for it in broken…
S7 · E41 · 5 Jun 2026 · 43 min
Hello clouds, hello sky & other tales
Step into the confessional with Father Simon and the Collective for a police mishap, a fishing adventure, a boarding school caper and a teacher prank. First Joe DiMaggio has an eventful break with his fellow police colleagues involving a broken pool cue. Then Steven’s going on a fishing adventure, but watch out for the fish hooks. Plus: Julie is asking for forgiveness for a prank on a fellow teacher Tristram and Dave has a boarding school adventure involving pirate radio, radioactive interference and the World Cup. Got a confession? [email protected]
S7 · E40 · 29 May 2026 · 40 min
The wind beneath my wings & other tales
Step into the confessional with Father Simon and the Collective for soup-based horror, airborne football crimes, and one truly catastrophic “wind” in an operating theatre. First, a classic from the crypt: Lorraine’s 80s tin-code mix-up leaves a brother eating chicken soup… plus a black, gelatinous blob of mould, followed by two days in hospital that nobody even notices. Then Alf’s military hangover meets bright surgical lights — and a “silent but prolonged” moment that has a surgeon hauling out intestines in search of a hole that isn’t there. Plus: Alistair secretly watches England v Tunisia…
S7 · E39 · 22 May 2026 · 46 min
Don’t go chasing waterfalls & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for a vintage school-days reckoning, a Wembley fishbone emergency, lockdown jigsaw vengeance, and a fairground waterslide disaster. Nigel relives the wild early-80s logic of collective punishment after a playground scuffle leaves a classmate dangling from a fence — and an innocent kid caught in the mix for reporting stolen trainers. Then Helen’s 1987 FA Cup final is overshadowed by a bone stuck in her throat, a dad who won’t miss the match, and a lifesaving carton of Ribena. Plus: Flora steals one crucial jigsaw piece…
S7 · E38 · 15 May 2026 · 43 min
All day long, all day long on the chaise lounge & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for an episode full of sibling sabotage, supermarket shame, and the perils of damp underpants. Tim admits to a targeted reign of terror on his little brother. John’s 1999 CFAX football obsession ends in disaster, Richard loses control of some “loose grapes” at Sutton Safeway, and Mike’s sixth-form skinny-dipping leaves a very suspicious puddle in maths. Got a confession? [email protected]
S7 · E37 · 8 May 2026 · 46 min
Put the kettle on and make some tea & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Collective for another batch of confessions. In a classic from the crypt, a lonely trucker accepts one Guinness too many… then points a hopeful Beryl to entirely the wrong big red lorry. Then it’s Jan’s rabbit escape that ends in an axe, a fingertip flap, and a grandad who chooses bunny retrieval over first aid. Plus: a prison officer’s catastrophic coat-sniffing moment, and a first job interview ruined by dog poo, a blocked loo, and Captain Red Braces. Got a confession? [email protected]
S7 · E36 · 1 May 2026 · 42 min
Hit me with your rhythm stick & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the collective for a week of blocked sinks, fake hospital letters, and staff training-day chaos. First, Susie’s raspberry-peach smoothie turns into a fermented crime scene that takes out the call-centre kitchenette. Then Jeanette commits peak springtime mischief by forging a hospital letter recommending “Morris dancing therapy” for her grumpy husband’s dodgy knee. Plus, Maurice’s 1966 snow-sculpture disaster, and Stan’s drama-teacher mate who sleepwalks into an unwanted performance. Got a confession? [email protected]
S7 · E35 · 24 Apr 2026 · 46 min
It’s all too beautiful & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for an episode featuring village newsletters, VHS carnage and a cigarette-based science experiment that absolutely shouldn’t be repeated. First, nine-year-old James “helps” his vicar dad with a community email… Then Rebecca admits she turned a brand-new VHS player into a Hot Wheels garage, and let her little brother take the blame. Plus: Andy’s weapon-grade party-popper cigarettes, and a micro-school teacher with the strangest problem of all. Got a confession? [email protected]
S7 · E34 · 17 Apr 2026 · 29 min
Confessions from the Crypt Special
Step into the confessional for a special delve into the crypt for this week's episode of Simon Mayo's Confessions! First: a Devon carnival prank goes full folk‑horror when a lovingly crafted coffin is launched into a river… and drifts 20 miles into the local paper. Then a “helpful” son‑in‑law turns “bingo” into “strip club” on his mother‑in‑law’s phone — with an email to a politician as the punchline. Plus: a dad accidentally cosplays as a hotshot surgeon (socks included), and a twin‑buggy wisecrack that haunts a marriage. Got a confession? [email protected]
S7 · E33 · 10 Apr 2026 · 41 min
Beep beep, beep beep, yeah! & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Collective for a week of stains, spirits and seriously questionable decisions First up, a gem from the crypt: Soviet-era Ukraine, super-strength homemade vodka, and a flock of geese who get so hammered they’re mistaken for dead… until they reappear very much alive, very naked, and very honky. Then Richard admits to provoking the Tokoloshi in 1970s South Africa. Mr P's confession involves 15 litres of carpet glue and one blamed child, and Mark & Elaine’s enjoy a drive‑thru… in an imaginary car. Got a confession?…
S7 · E32 · 3 Apr 2026 · 48 min
Missionary Impossible & other tales
Landing in your inbox on Good Friday (or whenever you’re brave enough to press play), Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective are back with Parish Notice Board gossip, five-star reviews, and a Not For Broadcast pile that should probably come with protective gloves. First: a wholesome family holiday in Cornwall goes slightly… medicinal when a sleep-deprived dad reaches for teething gel in the dark and finds something very much meant for the other end of the baby. Then we head to Venezuela for Missionary Impossible: cockroaches, bug spray, matches, a fireball, and the discovery that “safety…
S7 · E31 · 27 Mar 2026 · 43 min
The green green grass of home & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo, Sister Suzi, Sister Holly and Brother Matthew for another round of sins, five-star reviews, parish noticeboard gossip… and the dreaded Not For Broadcast pile. First, Tony’s half-term Lanzarote breakfast goes nuclear when a Tabasco bottle takes a Tom Daley-style dive into the Rice Krispies. Then Helen, armed with a hospital litre of water and perimenopausal panic, misreads a sign and accidentally storms the gents… with a bold new accent. Plus: We also get an accidental repeat of Jeff's confession, where he get mistaken for a blind man (Father Simon…
S7 · E30 · 20 Mar 2026 · 42 min
Can you dig it? Yes, you can & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confessions Collective for another week of packed confessions. First up Adam relives the three-channel era and, in a strop over Corrie, does the unthinkable… and plunges an entire village into a total blackout. Louise’s Brighton hen-do goes from bubbles to life drawing to accidentally gifting a homeless man cake… and a bag full of very questionable sketches. Guaca-mole wages fertiliser-based war on mum’s “sacred oval”, and Jay learns why you never, ever feed seagulls near a car park. If you have a confession send it to…
S7 · E29 · 13 Mar 2026 · 31 min
Libra and my name is charles & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo, Sister Holly and Brother Matthew for a slightly shorter episode that still delivers three absolute belters — plus Parish Notice Board gossip, five-star reviews, and a heated debate about how on earth you say 'guacamole'. We first walk down the cold marble steps for a confession from the crypt involving ashes, an urn and a vacuum cleaner. Then Mr C, a trainee engineer on a deep-water trawler off Greenland, quietly “sorts” a toilet problem and accidentally creates a floating arctic legend. Plus: Jonathan, aged nine, proudly parades a “lady-shaped”…
S7 · E28 · 6 Mar 2026 · 41 min
Vanilla ice ice baby & other tales
Step into the confessional with Simon Mayo and the Confession Collective for another week of chaos, questionable logic, and tape-speed chat that nobody fully understands (7 and a half IPS, apparently). First: Clara’s lunchtime ice creams take a horrifying turn when a “respectful” window manoeuvre collides with a cathedral town funeral. Then Sally relives childhood vengeance as a Cindy-doll disaster ends with an “ever so slight” push into a lily pond… and a decades-later Facebook block. Plus: Alison reports a mystery powder to the police (taste test included), only to discover it’s not what…

About Simon Mayo's Confessions

Simon Mayo's Confessions is a English comedy podcast from Bauer Media. Melo plays each episode straight from the publisher's own feed — no ads added, no account needed — and remembers where you stopped, in this browser only.

Publisher: Bauer Media
Language: English
Category: Comedy
New episodes: Weekly
Typical length: 42 min
Latest episode: 9 Oct 2026
Feed: RSS — paste into any podcast app
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/podcast/id1579100744
Rights: Simon Mayo's Confessions

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